Dear Claudia
When you told me you needed a vacation from a vacation after returning from Colombia, I laughed with relief when I realized it didn’t only happen to me. First you go through the anticipation of filling all the orders for gifts from the US. Cosmetics, blue jeans, and sports wear usually lead the list. By the time you get on the plane you are already exhausted from shopping. Once you get there, it becomes a marathon of trying to see everyone and accomplish everything before going back home.
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Is going back to your hometown a vacation? It’s not, at least not for me. And where it was home long ago, it’s not home anymore although it’s still very familiar. I know so many people that I want to see them all so we don´t forget one another. And there are always so many tasks to tend to; from foreign residency filings to bank papers. I´m so busy it doesn´t feel like I ever left. And the time I have there is so limited that I am filled with stress when I come home to Pennsylvania.
Since I moved to the States I’ve been lucky to be able to go back to Spain at least once a year and sometimes more. At the beginning, it was great as it made the transition of moving to my new country smoother. I was so connected (well I still am) to my old life that I would Skype my friend Chuss daily and tell her things like, “Did you know that Rose is having a party tomorrow night?”.
I was the first one delivering news about my friends among my friends. The irony is that they were all in the same city and I was living 6,000 miles away. But this close connection I maintained was stopping me from learning about my new country and making new friends. I was afraid of letting go. Afraid my whole past would be erased. Recently, a very practical American friend, Caren, told me, “You don’t share the same life anymore and you’re not there in their day to day. They’re not in yours either and if you don’t accept that, you won’t be able to live your new life fully.”
I think she’s right. During the first years in New York and later in the Poconos, I was trying to adjust to my new life by concentrating on my old life. Skype, Facebook, email and free text apps have made it easier to keep living a virtual life with old friends. So when I had the chance to go back home to Spain, I would stress myself by making a list on the calendar, filling in every hour, fitting in everyone I wanted to see. I ended up coming back exhausted and needing a vacation from my vacation.
This last year I went back more than once. My mother is elderly and I´m willing to suffer the inconvenience and the jet lag to see her happiness when she sees me. My visits are for my mother, not for all the other things that used to occupy my time. I felt for the first time in eight years that I didn’t have to run a marathon scheduling tasks and seeing friends. I´ve relegated my old friends to non-current status. I see them as time permits.
My new friends in the Poconos have taken the place of those daily Skype gossip sessions and text messages. Now when I am in Spain I can relax and show my husband my city. As to my old friends: our feelings remain intact; when I visit it seems that time has never separated us. But I’ve finally accepted that I am now a visitor. We start up where we left off the last time. But home is where the heart is, and my home now is in the Poconos.
Thanks for reading, more next week, your Latina Poconovian. Have a happy day, Christina!
PD… I will post this letter in Spanish in a few days!