hot town, summer at the movies

What’s got two thumbs and loves that guy who carries a whip and wears a cool hat?

THIS GUY!!!

(I’m pointing to myself.)

Apparently, I’m not alone.

With officially one month until the release of Iron Man – the first tentpole movie of the summer — it’s time to get ready for those summer movies that are about to come at us with all the subtlety of Saving Private Ryan on an IMAX screen.

I’ll be doing a full preview for the May 1 issue of Sharp, but movie listing site Fandango just released its list of its users’ most anticipated movies and actors of the summer. Wanna hear something surprising? Indiana Jones is on top! I know, contain your shock and horror and stop trying to boycott the movie already!

My old man thinks it’s going to be bigger than any of the Star Wars sequels. I beg to differ (greatly) but I just thought that bared mention.

My quick prediction? By mid-August, we’re going to be hearing gloom-and-doom stories about the state of the cinema, because I see some major, major flops this summer, harkening back to the horrific summer of 2005.

Here’s Fandango’s list:

1. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (May 22): Double duh on this one. It really couldn’t have been anything else. Although I feel worse and worse about this movie as the days go by and I re-watch the trailer for the 643rd time. Anyone else feeling that way?

2. THE DARK KNIGHT (July 18): The exact opposite. The more I watch this trailer, the cooler I think it is. I have no idea how Heath Ledger’s performance is going to turn out. But if it’s as creepy and cool in the movie as it is in the trailer, we can seriously start talking posthumous Oscar.

3. IRON MAN (May 2): Worried, worried, worried. Jon Favreau could be the most overrated of the directors with the “up-and-coming” label, I wish he would have just stuck to making Swingers knock-offs like Made. Just from watching the trailer (about 300 times) there doesn’t seem to have been this many liberties taken with a comic book character since the feces-laden, straight-to-video Captain America junkfest in the 80s. Happy-go-lucky? Funny? Light-hearted? Not the Tony Stark I remember. The one I remember was cold, bitter and a self-destructive alcoholic. Close enough, I guess.

4. THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN (May 16): Yeah, I’ve still never seen the first one. And frankly, I don’t really care to and probably never will, despite the fact that it was on Starz and Encore about 1,000 times a week for the past year.

5. THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR (Aug. 1): Still never seen the first two (three if you count the Scorpion King). I just checked his imdb page and confirmed that I’ve never spent a dime on a Brendan Fraser movie, and by golly, I ain’t starting now.

6. GET SMART (June 20): I don’t get it. I just don’t. Why would anyone, 35 years after this show went off the air, want to reboot a critically acclaimed but low-rated five-season TV show? It would be like having an Arrested Development movie in 2040. Steve Carell hasn’t yet shown he can carry a movie and it’s being released on the same weekend as last year’s colossal flop, Evan Almighty. Remember who that starred? What kind of logic is this?

7. THE INCREDIBLE HULK (June 13): I can’t decide if I’m excited for this or not. Really, I can’t. I’m one of the few people who didn’t mind the first one too much — it’s surprisingly much more tolerable on repeat viewings, as long as you skip the whole giant, fighting dogs scene. Plus, as much as I love Ed Norton, it looks like he’s playing the role of control freak yet again and trying to hijack the final cut of the movie. Let’s just hope they learned the biggest lesson from the last one: Comic books are fun, even if your hero/anti-hero is the Hulk. Your movie has to be fun too. Why don’t thye take another stab at Daredevil instead without Ben Who-fleck?

8. X-FILES 2 (July 25): I think this is the perfect time to restart this franchise. It’s long enough after the show has ended to make fanboys drool, but short enough that it’s still in the consciousness of anyone who watched. Any sooner, and people would have thought it was overload. Any later, and people would have been saying, “Who was that chick that was Malder’s partner? Vin Scully?” I’m worried b/c it was one of the very last projects to get a greenlight before the strike. It screams rush-job.

9. SPEED RACER (May 9): Another head scratcher for me. In fact, I think I’m going to start calling this the summer of the head-scratchers. Speed Racer was nothing than anime schlock that never seemed to have a point. It had a resurgence (like everything else 60s) in the mid-90s, but that was it. It seems like they’ve been trying to make a movie ever since. Too bad it took so long.

10. SEX AND THE CITY (May 30): Does it really have that many fans that want to see these idiots on the big screen? I’ve tried to watch it, really. But I find it to be the antithesis of funny and don’t think I’ve ever laughed at one of their jokes. Not even cracked a smile. I completely recognize and appreciate the need for female programming on TV. But it’s a risky proposition in theaters. Women need something they can take their boyfriends too, but I just don’t see any man crossing through the gates for this one.