parade day bar guide

BEST ON-THE-ROUTE DOWNTOWN PARADE DAY BAR: Technically, there are only about five or six of them on the actual parade route. If you can get to Molly Brannigan’s (Adams and Lackawanna) early enough, do it and grab a table on the sidewalk wall. They open up the doors and windows giving you a great view of the parade on Lackawanna. If you’re not early, don’t bother.

BEST OFF-THE-ROUTE, BUT DOWNTOWN, PARADE DAY BAR: I don’t understand why people ignore Brixx (North Washington between Spruce and Lackawanna). It gets crowded during its 9 to 11 a.m. $1 draft special, but it never gets ridiculously crowded. And it’s pretty easy to slip out to the back of the building and take a whizz in the alley and still get back in without much wait. Plus, if you get there early enough, you have no problem getting a table right in front of the window, where you can laugh at people waiting in line to get in. No seriously, laugh right in their face. It’s fun. Having a table and a place to sit comes in mega-handy for energy conservation purposes when you’re trying to figure out who stole your legs around 7 p.m. Last year I spotted a bunch of Poconos people there.

BEST EARLY-MORNING SPECIAL: I’m crying. There’s literally a tear running down my cheek when I found out yesterday that it looks like Farley’s (Adams and Linden) won’t be having it’s usual 17-cent beer special from 9-11 a.m. When the recession hits, it hits hard. So now everyone will pretty much have the same thing, some kind of $1 beer specials. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need a tissue and a hug.

BEST DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH: Found it last year. I was convinced the Hilton (Adams and Lackawanna) would be a bust, but stopped by because my buddy Pat was the manager — turned out to be the best decision we’d made in a couple Parade Days. Cheap, grilled hamburgers and hot dogs (how come no one thought of that before?), easy access to the parade, good bands in their valet parking area, and most importantly, plenty of elbow room and seating options in the bar. Pat was a Parade Day veteran and designed the bar’s festivities around the stuff we’d always complained about. He doesn’t work there anymore so I don’t know if I can recommend it this year. But I’ll be trying it.

BAR WITH BEST BANDS: I stopped going to Tink’s (Linden between Lackawanna and Adams) a long time ago. After a 45-minute wait to get in, you have no chance at getting into the bathroom, an even less chance at getting a beer and if you’re over 26, you’ll feel ancient. Like, I-need-to-buy-a-walker-this-afternoon ancient. But you gotta hand it to them — they still get the best bands. Saturday’s lineup is Drop Dead Sexy, Go Go Gadget, Maybe Someday, Bliss, NoWhere Slow, REMIXTED, The Silentreatment, Echoe’s Awaken, 1-2-3-GO! and A Pair of Nuts. It should be noted that this is probably Bliss’s 164,763rd reunion show.

MOST OVERRATED: The Banshee (Penn between Mulberry and Linden). I just hate this place. I got in a fight with a bouncer there once, and ever since then, he gives me the stink eye. That was like six years ago! Plus, there’s no TV. They claim that’s because it’s an “authentic Irish pub” but when I was in Ireland in 2004, every bar I went to — and I hit a bunch of them — had TVs. Why would anyone even consider going to a place without a TV on one of the biggest basketball days of the year? Plus the bar area gets too crowded too quickly, they charge too much to get in and have boring Irish bands all day. Avoid it.

MOST DANGEROUS BATHROOM: Whistles (Franklin between Lackawanna and Spruce). If you come out on top in this category, then you have one crazy Parade Day bathroom. I’ve been literally crushed trying to get in there. I’m not kidding when I say I briefly feared for my life. Between like 1 and 4 p.m., if you can get to the bathroom in less than a half-hour, you jumped the line. If they didn’t have the B-Street Band at noon, I wouldn’t even consider going there. It’s too bad, because this used to be my favorite Parade Day bar.

MOST PROFESSIONAL DRINKERS: Parade Day is rife with amateurs. It’s really annoying if you’re one of the people who knows how to drink more than three beers in an hour without bursting into combustible lunacy. The Bog (Adams between Linden and Mulberry) is usually a good cure for this. Yeah, there’s some stragglers who may trip over their own feet and spill beer on you — but for the most part, it’s a pretty controlled atmosphere. Stroudsburg fave Tom Graham will be playing there too.

BIGGEST REBELS: I found one — and only one — bar that’s opening at the correct Parade Day time of 7 a.m. That’s Molly’s Cozy Corner (no link, sorry), a nice, small bar in South Scranton (Cherry and Prospect) that just opened last summer. It’s also two blocks from my house. I now will stick my head in an oven. Speaking of new places . . .

MOST INTRIGUING NEW BARS: A couple guys I know just opened the Backyard Ale House next to Tink’s, and they now own what used to be Tink’s deck. A friend took me out on that deck last week while it was under construction, and the scary flashbacks of my early 20s I was having gave me a headache. I wouldn’t go in the Colosseum (next to the Hilton) if you paid me, but it sounds like it could be a cool Parade Day bar. Off the route, the new Good Fellas (Mulberry Street past the university) looks like it’s having a big day.