the REAL best tv episodes of all time

It’s impossible for me to let a list like this go without some kind of retort.

The whole thing from TV Guide Magazine, this top 100 TV episodes of all time, is flawed from the start — it’s a list of TV’s best episodes, but the magazine decided to use only one episode per show. So when an episode of Supernatural makes the cut, according to this list, that automatically means it’s better than 400 Simpsons episodes.

If that’s true, the sentence me to a lifetime of covering the Jon and Kate divorce proceedings. Even the worst Simpsons episode is better than the best Supernatural.

So forget about that redunkulous starting point, and don’t worry about the highly subjective rankings. Let’s fight over the episodes that were chosen and say what episode of each show should have been picked. I’ve got full episodes linked where I can, but thanks to Hulu and other sites, a there are tons of copyright issues out there now.

If you think I got something wrong on my analysis, feel free to let me know in the comments, of friend me on Facebook or Twitter and rip me. Go ahead, I can take it.

SIX THEY SCREWED THE POOCH ON

They said: I Will Remember You, Angel, ranked #78

We say: Not Fade Away (video not available)

Why we’re right: You either love the final episode of Angel, or you hate it. I love it and rank it among the best series finales ever. It’s one of the few episodes of TV I can watch over and over, and often do. We may never know how Angel and his crew actually took down the hell unleashed by Wolfram and Hart — and yeah, they took them down — but we can take solace in knowing that it ended with the best episode of its run. I’m involuntarily whistling the Angel theme right now, that’s how much this episode pumps me up.

They said: The Real Thing, Part 2, Family Ties, #76 (no video)

We say: A, My Name is Alex Keaton (no video)

Why we’re right: It’s not just the best episode of Family Ties, but Michael J. Fox gives one of the best acting jobs in sitcom history — he won the Emmy that year — as he talks through his life with a psychiatrist from Grant College, the school that has a class in umbrella opening. Sure, they had to invent a random friend for Alex — the never-seen-before Greg — but Alex’s time in with the psychiatrist should always been remembered for what it was, some of the best TV ever made. Their pick isn’t even the funniest, that belongs to 4 RMS OCN VU, a study in how to make a funny sitcom episode.

They said: Subway, Homicide: Life on the Street, #25

We say: Deception

Why we’re right: Luther Mahoney, the best villain in TV history, finally unravels and ends up getting executed, but it isn’t by one of his crew members, or a rival drug dealer — it’s by cop Mike Kellerman, a fact that haunts the show for the next two years and causes the squad-room shootout a year later in the show’s second-best episode. The fact that Deception originally played on Good Friday (please don’t ask how I remember that) makes it even creepier.

They said: Diversity Day, The Office, #19.

We say: The Injury.

Why we’re right: Diversity Day was probably more monumental, it gave us the first hint that the Americanized Office could possibly be as funny as the British version. But if Diversity Day was the hint, The Injury was the proof. The premise of an entire episode based on Michael Scott burning his foot on a George Foreman grill is the closest thing we’ve seen to Seinfeld since it left the air, and Dwight puking on his car still ranks as one of the funniest TV moments of the last five years.

They said: Trapped in the Closet, South Park, #17.

We say: Passion of the Jew.

Why we’re right: Picking a fave South Park episode is like trying to pick your favorite random Simpsons character — every time you think you have it nailed, you remember another. So you can’t really fight about what one is best, but when it comes to South Park, there hasn’t been a more hysterically offensive moment as the entire Passion episode.

They said: Once More, With Feeling, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, #14 (fan video)

We say: Graduation Day, Part 2

Why we’re right: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Musical. We get it. No one does that. Blah, blah, blah. It’s not like it’s a bad Buffy episode, it’s just ridiculously overrated and doesn’t bother even touching any of the Buffy mythology that made the show a must-watch every week. The second part of Graduation Day — and part 1 is probably choice 1A — is the culmination of everything that made Buffy great. The best fight scene the show ever staged, quick-witted one-liners and the perceived end of the Buffy-Angel love story. Watch both episodes back-to-back and I challenge anyone to say Graduation Day is the inferior episode.

SIX THEY GOT INARGUABLY CORRECT

#87, Fonzie Loves Pinky, Happy Days (no video): If you don’t know what the Mallachi Crunch is, you probably don’t belong at this blog. I’m not kicking you out or anything, but really, I should make it some kind of requirement.

#52, Because I Know Patty, Damages: Let’s not bother quibbling about whether any episode of Damages belongs on this list. Let’s just admit that the first-season ender was the payoff we all needed and deserved after being put through a year of only so-so suspense.

#48, Atomic Shakespeare, Moonlighting. You may not remember this, but TV was just as formulaic and ordinary in the mid-80s as it was in the mid-60s. But every now and then — and it was rare — a show tried to give its fans something different. This Taming of the Shrew re-staging was the perfect example of that.

#21, The One With the Embryos, Friends. It’s the trivia contest for Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Not only the best episode of Friends from its best season, but one of the five or six funniest half-hours that has ever been on TV.

#10, Season 1, 11 pm-12 am, 24. This set the bar so high for 24 — Teri dies at the hands of Nina — that the show has been trying to come up with a twist ending to each season ever since and has only succeeded once, when Jack fakes his death.

#1, The Contest, Seinfeld. I never saw this when it ran on NBC because my two younger brothers — ages 14 and 12 at the time — were in the room and once my parents heard what was going on, they couldn’t turn the channel quick enough. That only made it more attractive to me.

I’m sure I missed something, so feel free to light up the comments or my e-mail to tell me what I screwed up.