I hate Twilight, even though I’ve never seen Twilight.
I’ve never read the books. I am, after all, a man in his mid-30s. Reading one word of Twilight holds about the same appeal to me at this point repeating senior year calculus. I think I might have held one of the books once when my wife got one for her goddaughter – was it called Breaking Moon? — and I read the book jacket to see what all the fuss was about. It read something like, “A direct, word-for-word copy off the Buffy and Angel love story, Breaking Moon is the story of antsy, uppity, detached teens hoping to make out with antsy, uppity, detached vampires. The end.”
Am I even close?
Maybe it’s not Twilight I hate, but the phenomenon that somehow has managed to follow the books and the movie. A phenomenon enough to merit the first time a movie has ever been shown as a midnight premiere at all four of Monroe County’s movie houses. This must be how non-Star Wars fans felt before Phantom Menace premiered. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing.
Eh, forget that. Understanding takes time, effort, reading glasses … it’s too much work. It’s much easier just to hate the whole thing.
Wait, I’ve got proof of its magnitude of suck! Even though nary a word of the books or movies have entered my consciousness, it’s still adversely affected my life:
–Because it took over Entertainment Weekly. For years, I spent my weekends dissecting EW. My weekend was ruined if for some reason it didn’t make it to my doorstep by Saturday. Owen Gleiberman is one of the top 3 movie critics in the biz, and same goes for Ken Tucker on TV. I needed to hear what they said before I spent my money/time on something. It was the best $10 I would spend all year, every year. Then it started. EW was trying to be the first on the Twilight bandwagon, and succeeded with a cover story in the summer of 2008 on author Stephanie Meyer and the upcoming movie. Apparently, they might as well have just put Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie on the cover kissing, because this must have been the best-selling EW of all time. Over the next seven months, I caught something Twilight-related on the cover nine more times. NINE!!! Yes, I went back and looked. I wrote letters, I tried e-mailing, but never got any response from EW as to why they had suddenly thought their subscribers all turned into 15-year-old girls. When my subscription lapsed in May, I dropped it and haven’t looked back since. Eff you, EW.
–Adults talk about it.This isn’t like a Pixar movie that’s designed for kids but tries to be humorous for the adults that get stuck taking their kids to see it. This is straight, 110 percent for teenage girls. Some movies are rated R so no one under 17 can see it. Can’t we make this a reverse R so that no one over 18 can see it? If you have a high school diploma, you shouldn’t be allowed in the theater. Wait, since the original book came out in 2005 and high school readers at the time should be allowed to see it, anyone over the age of 25 is hereby banned from seeing “New Moon” in the theaters. Theater owners, feel free to put armed guards in front of the theaters to prevent this from happening. I haven’t looked at my late-30s cousin the same way since she said she had a Twilight party when the movie came out on DVD — even though she and her friends saw it on opening night in the theater — then proceeded to get pass-out drunk. In the mother of all contradictions, this is also the same woman who has Always Sunny on her TiVo season pass. My family, everyone!
–Because it’s a copy off the Buffy and Angel love story. Oh, really, Edward? You’re leaving Bella to save her because you know you can’t have a future together? Hold on a second, I know I’ve heard that somewhere before — oh, that’s right, it’s the SAME EFFING THING Angel said to Buffy before he took off for California in “Graduation Day: Part 2.” EXACTLY THE SAME!!! In the past year, Buffy/Angel creator Joss Whedon has dropped about 10 pegs on the credibility chart. The first drop was for the garbled mess that was Dollhouse. The second is because he hasn’t hired a team of lawyers to sue the pants of this Meyer character. Actually, he doesn’t need a team of lawyers, he can just defend himself, show up in court, play a 10-minute highlight reel of the first three seasons of Buffy and say, “I rest my case.” Bam! The judge wouldn’t even listen to Meyer’s lawyers, he’d just tell her to cut Whedon a big, fat check and make her clean his cabana during opening weekend of the rest of the Twilight movies.
–It’s made people want to be vampires. What, because they have it so good? From everything I’ve seen in the trailers and everything I’ve got stuck reading about this Edward punk, it seems like he leads a pretty tortured life. Never gets the girl (the human girl). Wanders the earth. Has to go to school and do his homework, even though he’s like 110. Doesn’t want to drink human blood, even though it’s what sustains him. None of that sounds like it should be in the turning-vampire brochure. Now the Lost Boys — they were bad ass. If you ever wanted to be like vampires, those are the play-ahs to emulate. The possibilities of Jack Bauer as a vampire are just too intense to even think about.
Like Toby says, “Is that enough? Should I keep going?
No, that will do.