the tiger woods myth

You may or may not have noticed I’ve been going out of my way not to mention Tiger Woods this week.

If you’re tired of it, skip down to the end and there’s some links down there. I’ll give you a second. Go ahead, I understand.

There. Not mentioning Woods has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done with PopRox. Not just because it’s so hard to avoid after the story has crash-landed in our laps like Pilot Sully was behind the controls. 

i'm sorry, it's just funny to me

i'm sorry, it's just funny to me

It’s more because I’ve been resisting the urge to say, “Told you so” to a country that willfully adopted the myth that is Tiger Woods, even though there had been extensive previous evidence that he’s not the all-American boy Buick, Nike, American Express and whatever other company of the week was paying him made him out to be.

The guy isn’t nice. He never has been. He isolates himself from his peers. He abuses the media. He wants to be treated like he’s a private figure when he asks us to buy the dozens of products he endorses. If you’ve noticed, there hasn’t been one guy from the PGA Tour — NOT ONE — who’s come out and said, “Hey give him a break, he’s a good guy.” The PGA Tour is famous for being a close-knit group of guys whose families all know each other. Last year, when Phil Mickelson’s wife Amy was diagnosed with breast cancer, within a week or two, everyone was wearing pink in support of her and saying how much the family of the PGA Tour cared about her.

And no one really likes Mickelson. Phil, that is, not Amy.

So it’s been a week since the car crash, and four days since the media furor over his affairs — and we haven’t heard one person say a darn tootin’ thing in his defense. Not Mickelson, who doesn’t get along with Tiger in the first place, which would make it even better for Tiger if Lefty offered some kind of consolation. Not Mark O’Meara, long thought to be Tiger’s best friend on tour who also lives in Tiger’s development. Not Notah Begay, his college teammate and the man thought to be one of his better friends.

yeah, tiger? it's casey. you left me a message about wanting some help? can you do me a favor and cram it up your cram hole? thanks.

yeah, tiger? it's casey. you left me a message about wanting some help? can you do me a favor and cram it up your cram hole? thanks.

Not Casey Martin, also a Woods college teammate at Stanford. The name ring a bell? That’s because Martin’s degenerative leg disease caused him to sue the PGA Tour in 2001 for use of a golf cart during his rounds. At times like those, you would hope your old college friends/acquaintances/mere teammates would be there to back you up. Go ahead, Google “casey martin tiger woods.” If you find anything that shows Tiger Woods supporting Martin, then your a better Internet searcher than I.  

This is karma reaching up and biting him right on his butt.

Oops, my bad. There is one golfer coming out to comment on Woods, the no-longer-significant Jesper Parnevik. And it’s not pretty.

Oh, and here is the statement from the PGA Tour, which has profited 100-fold on Tiger and owes every cent of its popularity to him. Don’t worry about a link, we can bang this out right here: “Tiger’s statement speaks for itself. We offer our full support to Tiger and his family and will continue to honor and respect his request for privacy in this matter. We will have no further comment on Tiger’s statement.”

That’s it? That’s the ringing endorsement for Tiger Woods Gravy Train?!?!?! I had a better send-off the weekend I got kicked off my college campus.

Tiger Woods is a fraud. Back in the good ol’ days when there was no Internet and legendary stories were passed around like jam-band-tape-trading, the first bad thing I heard about Tiger Woods was when he got kicked out of a club because he was underage, then telling the bouncer things like, “Do you know who I am! I’m going to get you fired!” I hate those people. Then, after he won The Masters in 1997, a normal round of golf went from costing $15 to $30 almost overnight. But it didn’t matter, since you couldn’t get a tee time at a pitch-and-putt. Everyone and their sister now decided they wanted to play golf because of Tiger.

Yes, I blame Woods for all of that.

My only surprise is that it took 13 years since he turned pro for something like this to happen. That’s how you know the PGA tour is so close. Even though they didn’t like the guy, no one dimed him out — even though you can be sure everyone knew.

But since I’m promising myself this is the last time I’m mentioning Tiger Woods, let’s just make sure we get it all out there, like his choice in mistresses, those who frequent VH1 reality shows:


Yup, that’s the lovely Jaimee Grubbs F-bombing her way to reality immortality on VH1’s Tool Academy. She’s the scorned woman forced to move to the back of the line when it comes to Tiger’s mistresses, but the one who forced Tiger’s hand by publicizing a voice mail he left her a while back. It’s been game on ever since then for the Wood scandal. You may assume that’s she’s a complete moron because she appeared on a VH1 reality dating show, the same network that gave us the likes of The Entertainer, Pumkin and Megan and Brandi C. But she can’t be that dumb — she knew enough to keep the voice mail!

There’s no way to end this rant except to just sit back, smile and finally have some company in the We Hate Tiger Woods Club. It’s been a little lonely here, but we’re glad to have you along now. Maybe we should start a Facebook group or something.

Pretty blah weekend at the box office. The only thing that looks semi-decent, Brothers, is the one thing guaranteed to make no money because it’s popular actors/actresses playing roles we don’t want to see them in. Unfortunately, that means another week of Twilight stories on Monday. It might not even stop until two weeks from now, when Avatar comes out.

Next on my list of lists to do a better job in — the 20 best Simpsons episodes. I’ll give this one credit for including Cape Feare, the funniest and most brilliant half-hour of television that’s ever been made. But there’s just a little too much attention paid to the later episodes and one too many from the very early episodes. But if there is one thing you can count on me to be an expert in, it’s Simpsons episodes. I’m thinking of doing a week-long Simpsons list tribute in June — episodes, lines, guest-stars, characters (even though I’ve previously done a best characters list for Sharp). If you have any Simpsons ideas you wanna throw my way, e-mail me.

The good thing about the National Board of Review’s 10 best movies of the year is they’re all somewhat accessible. Nine of the 10 either were/are/will be in wide release or were/are/will be at the Pocono Community Theater. Good to see Inglourious Basterds on there, it’s the best movie I’ve seen so far this year. I’m still a little worried that because it was released under the guise of a summer blockbuster that critics may treat it no different than Tranny 2 or GI Joe and ignore it during the awards season. So far, so good.

You’ll have to go somewhere else to find some true Monk tributes before tonight’s series finale, because I haven’t watched one episode, ever. My dad’s a fan, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are fans, but I never got into it. For the most part, I couldn’t believe Antonio Scarpacci as Monk, I can only see him singing, “My goat knows the bowling score, hallelujah!”

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