Six sequels are never enough — here’s four more, Prince

deep in thought -- about which character to tarnish next

deep in thought -- about which character to tarnish next

A couple of weeks ago when Will Smith started grabbing every sequel of every character he’s ever played, ’round these parts we were wondering what the heck was going on. Home foreclosure? College tuition worries? Gambling debts? A complete and total lack of respect or appreciation for the career he’s built?

And that was before the latest news on Men in Black 3 or Bad Boys 3. Now he’s got six — count ’em, SIX! — sequels/prequels/character re-visitations on his development slate, a number that would make Harrison Ford blush.

But why stop at six? He’s got a dozen other projects he hasn’t gone back to yet that are all ripe for updating. Better read this quick, they may already be in development:

Fresh Prince: The Next Generation: A big-screen Fresh Prince adaptation where Will is now 40, twice-divorced and a bachelor playboy, hooking up with everything on two legs. He’s started one of the most profitable car sales businesses in California, driving Benson out of business. But poor Carlton, forced to live back in Philly after failing out of Princeton thanks to toking up every day, has a problem. His out-of-wedlock son, now 15, is the smartest kid in school but getting beaten up on a daily basis for his love of Tom Jones and his penchant to perform dad’s signature dance:

darn. i was looking for a "sherlock homeboy" picture

darn. i was looking for a "sherlock homeboy" picture

The only solution? Send the boy to Bel-Air to live with his rich uncle! Fish-out-of-water zaniness ensues until Will gets a lesson he didn’t bargain for — responsibility. Will brings Carlton out to live with him, and Hillary and Ashley aren’t far behind. They’re all back together under one roof and Geoffrey is waiting on them hand-and-foot, despite the fact that he can’t make it from room to room without a walker. No Philip, he died from his third heart attack 10 years ago. No Vivian either, the two women who played her got in a knife fight on Sunset Boulevard in 2005 and both died. Producers toyed with casting a third mom, but out of respect for the dead decided against it. That and every actress in Hollywood laughed at the idea of a third Fresh Prince mom.

Seven Degrees of Separation: Everyone’s favorite gay con man, Paul (Smith) from the original indie Six Degrees of Separation, has made a small fortune off being one of those bottom-feeding turds that sent out e-mails posing as the president of the Bank of Uganda. So he’s retired and living in a beach house in Malibu when he gets a knock on his door from an injured teenager (Gaius Charles of Friday Night Lights) who knows Paul’s illegitimate daughter and claims to be the son of Denzel Washington. “Yeah, right, dog. Like I haven’t heard this rap before!” Paul slams the door on him, but the teen is relentless and just wants to make a call. He ends up staying the night and he steals all of Paul’s stuff. But instead of just laughing about it with friends after, Paul tracks down the aspiring con man to a familiar New York City apartment. Wait, could it be? It turns out the teen wasn’t a con man after all — he was an actor hired by Paul’s original victims, Flan (Donald Sutherland) and Ouisa (Stockard Channing). The two have pulled the ultimate con on Paul to lure him back to NYC — and the police are waiting for him. At the next dinner party, Flan and Ouisa have a much better story to tell.

you thought this was hard? just wait 'til your next assignment.

you thought this was hard? just wait 'til your next assignment.

Legend of Bagger Vance 2: The Back Nine: The mystery of Bagger Vance is revealed. He’s actually an angel trying to atone for his own sins — but bringing Matt Damon out of the gutter wasn’t enough, he’s still got more work to do to earn his wings. The movie opens as we find out Bagger’s repeated attempts to right another troubled golfer named Dale Johnnly have been less than successful, and he’s back at the gates of Heaven pleading his case for entry. It’s determined he can’t get in yet — and he’s only got one more chance to prove himself as he’s shipped to a remote, upscale Florida golfing community at 3 a.m. on Thanksgiving. He hears screaming and sees a hot blond beating the living snot out of some dude with a 7-iron. The man somehow gets into his car and speeds away, but crashes a fire hydrant and is left unconscious. He’s Regit, and he’s Bagger’s latest assignment — a superior golfer, but also a philandering puke who was in the process of going down in the annals of dirtbags before his wife started intercepting text messages. Bagger knows what he has to do — turn this greaseball of a man into the greatest golfer in the world again by helping him win the Grand Slam and stop bitching about phantom injuries. And not some stupid Tiger Slam either, the real Grand Slam. Not a dry eye is left in the theater when Regit wins the Slam, hugs his diamond-bracelet and gold-necklace-wearing wife Nile and looks to the sky to see Bagger getting his wings. Awwwwwww.

we're back!

we're back!

Pursuit of More Happyness: Gardner Never Sleeps: Chris Gardner (Smith) had it all. He went from homeless to stock exchange whiz kid and made millions. He seemed like the American dream personified — until America crashed on his head. Heavily invested in stocks and the San Francisco housing market, he lost all of his money when the recession hit in 2008. Now he’s back to square one — right where he belongs. His son (Larenz Tate?), now 36, has been just as hard hit, and like Gardner 30 years ago, has been kicked out of his house by his wife with his toddler son. Living on the streets, Gardner and his son enroll in another stock-trading firm’s intern program — but there’s only one staff opening for the best of the bunch. They proceed into a cutthroat competition of sabotage and back-stabbing, but they soon realize their folly when Gardner’s grandson is rushed to the hospital with a rare kidney disease. He needs a transplant — and Grandad is the only match. The two are brought together in love, drop out of the intern program, start their own trading firm and make gazillions.

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