Awards Are for Suckers

Best “Duh” headline of the week: “At MTV award shows, party matters more than prizes.”

Thanks, professor!

We all bag on Hallmark for making up holidays just to sell some cards. And we should. But what about networks that make up awards shows? MTV was on the cutting edge of this technology back in the 90s when it invented the MTV Movie Awards. Every teenager on the planet was watching MTV like it was their job. We were sheep. If they put on an hour-long show of Downtown Julie Brown reciting the ABCs over and over, we would have watched it. So MTV was where the stars wanted to be to promote their movies. Remember the Simpsons episode where a department store created “Love Day” because their sales sucked in August? That’s what the Movie Awards is. You have to imagine the conversation went something like this in April sometime:  

before the mtv movie awards, where would madonna go to plug her next crappy movie? although league of their own rules.

before the mtv movie awards, where would madonna go to plug her next crappy movie? although league of their own rules.

MTV Boss: “Gentlemen, we’re good during the fall, our winters are strong, but once we hit June, we’re screwed. We need something to fill up the time. Ideas?”

Underling 1: “Wait, I hate to break this up, we just got a call from Mel Gibson. He wants to do a guest spot on Headbangers Ball to promote Lethal Weapon 3!”

Boss: “Dammit, we’re thinking here. Tell him to hold!”

Underling 2 (on the phone): “Madonna, we can’t let you do a set on Unplugged just to promote League of Their Own.”

Boss: “Would you tell that crazy mess to STOP BUGGING US ALREADY!!! We already made her career, isn’t that enough?”

Underling 3 (on the phone with a PR flack): “And just how exactly do you think Michael Keaton and Michelle Pfieffer would fit in as guests on The Grind with Eric Neiss to promote Batman Returns???”

Boss: “Oh, for God’s sake, tell all these fffff … wait a minute! I’ve got it!”

And so was born the MTV Movie Awards. At least it’s evolved a little to have Aziz Ansari hosting in a “Before they were famous” moment.

Then there are some awards shows that are just there, they don’t get much notoriety and you wouldn’t even realize it if they disappeared, but they’re the ones who actually do some good nominating. That’s where the TV Critics Association Awards fall. Very good list of nominees, although I do find it funny that Friday Night Lights is nominated for best program, but not for best drama. “We’re sick of it not getting any awards, we’ve got to get it in somewhere.” Weird.

now zack and kelly can be together forever!

now zack and kelly can be together forever!

Poor Zack Morris getting divorced! Let’s correct this story though. His wife was not in Saved by the Bell. She was in Saved by the Bell: The College Years as some sorority girl. Two completely different shows with completely different casts in completely different towns. And yes, this would only upset people like me who have SBTB shrines set up in their houses, and people like me who have three copies of the board game because people kept getting it for me thinking it would be a hysterical gift. Then again, if this is what makes me maddest today — and unless my daughters poops in my hand tonight when I’m giving her a bath, that gaffe will be what makes me maddest — I’ve got a pretty good life.

Yet another anniversary I’d rather not notice — The Goonies turns 25. Wow. Just … wow. No wonder it’s been on about a trillion times in the past couple weeks. I remember going to see it in the theater when I was 10, one of the first times I was allowed to go to the movies with my friends and no parents. On the bright side, it holds up remarkably well and still makes me laugh out loud at least a dozen times when I watch it now. If you’re too young and haven’t seen it and you somehow don’t know what the Truffle Shuffle is, then feast your eyes on this and try not to laugh:

What’s the record for saying no consecutively? Whatever it is, double it. Then add 40 more. Actually, throw on an additional 1,500 after that. That’s about how many times I said “No!” when I heard the plans for another in the laughable “franchise” of Three Men and a Baby. Haven’t these guys done enough? They’re all getting a little bit of a career resurgence, Ted Danson in Damages, Tom Selleck in The Killers and Steve Guttenberg in a guest spot on Party Down. But how can anyone think this would make money? It would have to be a scaled-down almost indie along the lines of Rocky Balboa. Even then, people barely admit they saw the first two, let alone liked them. Whoever thunk this up must have recently bought some Bad Idea Jeans.

Wait, we’re not done resurrecting the 80s! At least Midnight run was a good movie though, so making its sequel — 22 years later and counting, btw — isn’t the worst idea ever. That still belongs to Three Men and a Bride, congrats! The funny part is that Charles Grodin on only entertaining the idea and not committing to it the second he was asked. I started racking my brain trying to figure out the last time I remember Grodin in anything, and I could come up with was Clifford or the two-second cameo in So I Married an Ax Murderer, but thought he had to be in something after that. At least Beethoven’s Fifth or something. Nope. Clifford was it! That was the last time he was in a major movie! 1994! Whether it was by choice or exile, I think he can come out of whatever retirement he’s been in to show up for Midnight Run 2. Actually, I’d rather a Clifford 2, maybe that can happen when Martin short wins his Emmy for Damages. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. I love Clifford.

I think I’m not excited for The Avengers movie because I still don’t think anyone can pull it off in a two-hour movie. My expectations are ridiculously low. And I certainly don’t think they’ll be able to make a May 2012 release date. There’s just too many stars, too many stories to tell, too much that needs to happen for any of it to make sense. And as much as I love Joss Whedon, I’ve documented his very, very sketchy recent history. Jeremy Renner signing on is pretty cool, but geez, another character? And that’s without a Hulk appearance. Once you get past the glitz of “Captain America, Iron Man, Thor all in the same movie!!!” it’s hard to envision how anyone can pull it off. I’d love to be off and have it be the best comic book movie ever made — I just don’t see it happening. 

I like Christy Lemrie as a movie reviewer, enough that PopRox even follows her on Twitter. And I’m fine with her being a fan of the TV show portion of Sex and the City. But about six grafs down in this classic studio spin story about why the movie isn’t making the money people thought it would, she calls the show “beloved and influential.” Beloved, fine. But influential? INFLUENTIAL? C’mon! The show was nothing more than the female Seinfeld. I can’t think of one remnant of Sex and the City that rubbed off on any part of any other TV show. Maybe it was influential in the sense that it made girls drink cosmos for a while, but I’m calling BS on that, and the editor of this story should have grilled the sh!t out of her to come up with any kind of influence the show had. The one good thing coming out of this is it genuinely looks like there won’t be a SATC 3.

And then there was one. Just one Golden Girl left. What a weird time to be Betty White, just as her career is taking off again, she now has to live her life as the last Golden Girl. And just because:

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