The Advent of Poconos 3-D

The Poconos has 3-D!

Well, not yet, not til Friday, when the Poconos Movieplex unveils its new 3-D screen for the release of Piranha 3-D. And not that it matters to me since I have yet to even consider seeing a 3-D movie, but not having one feels like we’ve been living in some barren Arctic outpost. There are local businesses that spend millions of dollars a year trying to convince the world that the Poconos isn’t some backwards, podunk rest stop on the way to New York City and just past East Jabib. But when you’re obviously a year or two behind the rest of the world in the most important cinematic technology and trend of the last decade, why would you even bother?

Regional infrastructure improvement isn’t exclusive to necessities like roads and bridges — it extends to quality of life issues too. If you were looking to launch a tech start-up around here because of reasonable tax breaks and because it’s a great place to raise a family, then you discovered there is no 3-D theater, would you think twice? Of course you would! To a society that just saw Avatar about 20 times per person, not having a 3-D theater is only slightly less of a joke than if there were no wifi hook-ups at any coffee shop in the Monroe County.

So better late than never. I’ll have a story in tomorrow’s paper about it.

Today’s links: 

see, how it works is, wolverine makes a lot of money, and they still don't give me a start date!

see, how it works is, wolverine makes a lot of money, and they still don't give me a start date!

With all the comic book franchises announcing release dates years in advance — Green Lantern, Thor, Captain America, Avengers, X-Men, Spider-Man, Batman — it’s easy to forget there’s a comic movie franchise out there that opened to $85 million and made almost $375 million around the world last summer. Those are big enough numbers to ensure a fast-track sequel release date for any action franchise — but apparently not for Wolverine, which still doesn’t have a release date, a filming schedule or a cast. With the summer Fox had (no major hits, busts like A-Team, Knight and Day and Marmaduke) you would expect the studio wants to revisit its sure things as soon as possible instead of wait more than a year to get a movie going. Now, Hugh Jackman dropped out of a movie to get in shape with an eye toward getting back into the Wolverine role for an early 2011 shooting date, which presumably would put it in line for a 2012 release date. The summer of 2012 is filling up pretty quickly — Avengers, Star Trek, Spider-Man and Batman already have the biggest weekends mapped out — so maybe Wolverine will be heading to a Valentine’s Day or Easter weekend release in the spring. Or maybe it could even get chucked back into the 2012 Christmas season. I’ve been pushing for more comic book movies in the Christmas movie season, so I’d be all for that. There just isn’t enough summer real estate left for all the comic book movies. Right, Scott Pilgrim?

Poop, I can’t embed this because there’s some naughty language with some F-bombs. But I swear, this Funny or Die video almost makes me want to go out and see Piranha 3-D. Almost. It’s good to know no one is taking themselves seriously on this one, and that they’re all pretty much saying they were in it for the paycheck. Jerry O’Connell calling himself a “Hollywood treasure” thanks to movies like Kangaroo Jack is pretty funny right off the bat before they even mention the movie. And at some point, I’m just going to start watching Adam Scott read the newspaper in the hopes he’ll say something funny. That’s a pretty exclusive club for me of about 10 people I’d give that privilege to. Too bad they couldn’t get Elizabeth Shue or Ving Rhames to join in the merriment though. But if the movie is anything like this video — a horror with twinges of comedy — then the trailer sure doesn’t show it. If it does have some comedy in it, they’re marketing this movie like crap and should be taking a more Snakes on a Plane attitude toward it. If it bombs, you’ll be reading that exact story on Monday.

With all the talk about how Scott Pilgrim may have been marketed incorrectly, and the potential for that in Piranha 3-D, maybe the lesson is not to tell people a movie is one thing when it’s really another. I had this discussion with my college friends at a wedding this weekend — a wedding whose readings were movie scenes, btw, so we’re pretty serious about our movies — and we just couldn’t seem to figure out why studios would do it. It’s a blatant attempt to trick the paying viewer. Bait and switch is still against the law, right? The most recent abuse of this — from what I’m told — is the Michael Douglas indie Solitary Man. From the reviews I’ve read, it’s a serious, heartfelt drama exploring growing old and parental relationships. There’s even Oscar talk for Michael Douglas. But when you watch the trailer …

… it looks like Wonder Boys 2. That’s not fair, it’s deceptive. If you know you got swindled by Best Buy, you wouldn’t go back into Best Buy again, and you’d probably at least look into calling the cops on them. Yet movie studios get away with producing trailers that don’t look anything like the actual movie all the time. The Adventureland trailer is the most recent perpetrator I can remember. Punch Drunk Love was another, but at least I knew Punch Drunk Love wasn’t a toilet-humor Adam Sandler comedy. Adventureland’s trailer makes it look like Superbad: Summer Jobs Edition when it’s really the most poignant, real look at a group of people at a summer job since Caddyshack. Maybe we can get a bunch of people to start the first Trailer Approval Commission to make sure the trailers match the movie. Can we do that? Who do we call? We can put out a weekly e-newsletter not giving away the movie, but simply offering a yay or nay as to whether the trailer matches the overall feel of the movie. Can I get paid to do that?

Speaking of Doulgas, some people will go to amazing lengths to get out of a press tour for a sequel to an Oscar-winning role. Too far? Probably too far.

And as long are geeks are speaking out about the failure of Scott Pilgrim, here’s a way to placate them — give them (OK, us) a stable of geek movie quotes to use in any real-life situation. I hate to say it, but I accidentally used the Han Solo-Leia “I know” line from Empire without even realizing it. Suffice it to say, it didn’t go over very well.

have a high old time, make a sequel

have a high old time, make a sequel

If there is public outcry for a Salt sequel, I haven’t heard it. But hey, why not? Sequels are hard enough to get done as it is. It seems like everyone involved wants to do it, and that’s half the battle, so knock yourself out and make a sequel. Throw in a villain chasing her down named Miranda Pepper and call it Salt and Pepper. This thing writes itself!

Looks like I wasn’t missing anything with the premieres of a couple new comedies last night. No way I would give up Rescue Me for the premiere of Big Lake. Feel free to debate this in the comments or something. Hey, as long as it doesn’t preclude Chris Parnell from his work as Dr. Spaceman, they can keep this on forever. Despite the reviews, I will be checking out Death Comes to Town on Friday. I owe it to my childhood and to the Kids in the Hall for helping define comedy to me for a good 10 years.

harry osbourne? meh. cheesy porn mustache? sign me up!

harry osbourne? meh. cheesy porn mustache? sign me up!

There are few directors more trustworthy than Danny Boyle. He’s directed eight major movies and exactly one of them (A Life Less Ordinary) straight sucked. Even The Beach was OK. But on the flipside, five of his eight movies — Shallow Grave, Trainspotting, Millions, 28 Days Later and Slumdog Millionaire — are nothing short of completely brilliant. So when he starts talking about making a movie about a guy who has to amputate his own arm during a mountain climbing accident, eff it, I’m down. James Franco continues to redeem himself for being a total tool in all three Spider-Mans. Pineapples Express, Milk, his guest spot on 30 Rock, the guy’s been on a roll. Three years ago I wouldn’t have trusted him as far as I can throw him to pull off something like this, now I’m cautiously optimistic.

That was a Homer Simpson reference from this week’s repeat, so it’s a good spot for some Simpsons news. I’ll read just about anything Simpsons related, and I’m glad I decided on this one. For this year’s season premiere, Jemaine and Bret from Flight of the Conchords will be guest-starring and singing some original music. That’s like an all-star game of smart comedy.

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