The Hoff is Off

Links, links, links:

one night sounds about right.

one night sounds about right.

Anyone who had “one night” in the “How Long Will David Hasselhoff’s Reality Show Last?” office pool, then winner winner chicken dinner. Let’s take this for what it is — a bad idea turned into a bad show with shockingly bad results. But as a proponent for scripted shows, it’s hard not to get excited about a reality show getting immediately pulled from the schedule. The only reason reality TV is so popular is because it’s so cheap to make. Anyone with a couple of cameras can make a reality show. For a reality show to get canceled so quickly, it’s got to be completely terrible, and from all accounts, the Hoff’s show fit that bill. But here’s the optimist in me saying a couple of things could be happening here: 1. We’ve run out of fringe-celebrities to make fun of with a reality show, therefore starting a slow descent into the end of the VH1-patented Celeb Reality Era. 2. People are tired of reality shows and can’t force themselves to watch another. 3. The market is saturated with reality shows, and squeezing another one into the schedule just isn’t possible. Any of the above would be nothing short of fantastic news.

Every time I think I’ve lost touch with movies, I look at the Billboard Top 100 and realize it’s nothing compared to how much I’ve lost touch with music. What’s even worse is these snooty best music of the year lists where I usually haven’t even heard of 75 percent of bands. I think I did pretty good this year, I can speak pretty intelligently about six or seven of these artists. Tighten Up by the Black Keys will probably be my #1 song of the year, Vampire Weekend’s Contra was a little disappointing to me and I just can’t get into Arcade Fire no matter how hard I try. Kinda like what I went through with Radiohead in about 1995. But now I thoroughly enjoy Radiohead, so maybe in 2025 I’ll be singing the praises of Arcade Fire. Who knows. All I know is that at a summer wedding of my buddy Grant and his wife Liz (they’re readers, so we call that a shout-out), the DJ was playing Microphone by Coconut Records (Jason Schwartzman’s band) during the cocktail hour. It was probably my favorite song of 2008. I asked my buddy Ron, a big indie music guy, if he was a fan of Coconut Records. His response was something along the lines of, “Yeah, but I think there’s only like three of them left in the country.” In his defense, he was loaded. Or at least he was about to be. He’s also a reader, so we call that busting balls.

don't do it, people.

don't do it, people.

I’ve done a complete turnaround on Tron Legacy from the first time I heard a couple years ago that they were doing a sequel. It sounded like the dumbest idea ever to make a sequel to a 25-year-old movie that no one really cared about in the first place. But after some really good trailers, I’ll break down and admit that it’s a good idea and I want to see it and make it my first 3-D theater experience. But that’s as far as I’ll go — I’m not buying the video game or getting a poster and I’m certainly not dressing up. Wait, dressing up? Is this even a dress-up movie? It used to take a pretty big movie for dressing up, now thanks to Comic-Con, people dress up for anything. On opening night for Snakes on a Plane a couple years ago, there were people who decorated their car. Actually, it was a minivan. A minivan! The kids at soccer practice the next day must have been freaked out seeing purple snakes on the van windows. Last week when I went to see Harry Potter — a full two weeks after its release — there was a group of kids dressed in wizard outfits. In Gob voice: Oh, C’mon! Maybe we need dress-up movie rules or something. Rule #1, 2 and 3, and maybe 4: You may only dress up at a midnight showing. Rule #5: No dressing up for a sequel to a movie that was only the 22nd biggest moneymaker of its year. There are others. I’ll add to the list as I see fit in the future.

We need more Spud and we need more Sick Boy. We just do. So let’s all get on board with the idea of Trainspotting 2, please. The only problem is Ewan McGregor. As an relative unknown in 1996, it was pretty easy to see him as a drugged-out, spaced-out, social illiterate so deep into heroin that it just about killed him. But now — can anyone really see Obi-Wan shooting up? That would be a little disturbing.

It’s getting tiring to keep knocking the reedunkulous visions of Michael Bay. The man is a menace — he must be stopped. The Transformers 3 trailer is utterly frustrating on so many levels I’m really not quite sure where to start.


Let’s just keep this to two complaints:

1. It’s based on us finding out a “secret” that there is some kind of life on other planets. Didn’t we already find that out in the first two movies? The trailer’s music builds to some giant, mysterious crescendo when the 1969 astronauts discover some wrecked ship and we learn there is life on other planets. Crazy news for 1969 — but here in 2010, where we’ve already seen the first two Transformers movies and been introduced to the alien characters. We already knew this big secret! So why is it such a surprise? Not only that, but it’s also the same exact concept of the teaser trailer to the first Transformers, which, in the movie’s timeline, happened about 40 years or so later. This is so insulting I can barely stand it. It’s almost like they had no idea how to make the trailer, so they just dumped this onto the screen.

2. Even if you like Michael Bay’s movies, you have to admit it take a great deal of logic dropping to sit through them and enjoy it. That’s why I can’t enjoy his movies, I can’t completely abandon all sense of reality and just believe whatever he decides to put on the screen. I just can’t. I can’t believe that we can dump a nuclear bomb into an asteroid the size of Texas to blow it up, I can’t believe that two cops are allowed to blow up half of Miamiwithout much more than a warning and I can’t fathom how Cuba Gooding Jr. can only manage only a couple minutes of token screen timein a two-and-a-half-hour movie. With all of his eccentricities in movies, this one beats them all, that the first moon landing was actually a super-secret mission to uncover wreckage from an alien ship. I’m … I’m speechless. I didn’t think anything could get worse than Bay’s longtime collaborator Jerry Bruckheimer saying there was a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence in National Treasure, but holy hell, Michael Bay saw his ridiculous, raised a “completely preposterous” then went all-in with a “I dare you to try and believe this.” I think I might not even bother talking about Tranny 3 next summer, it’s not worth it. The guy is just going to keep making crappy movies and there’s nothing we can do about it other than not go see Transformers 3. I know that’s too much to ask of the world, so I’m saving my breath.

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