Golden Globes Sink to New Low

Let’s see if I can focus and stop giggling over the Cliff Lee signing to think of something coherent to say about the Golden Globes …

OK, got something. Apparently, the Golden Globes didn’t think its reputation as a silly awards show without much credibility had been nailed down quite strongly enough. So instead of trying to legitimize itself, it pulled a complete 180 and make a mockery of the awards process as a whole in the musical or comedy movie categories by nominating the following:

Burlesque. It was a given, but it’s still kinda silly.

Red. No one told me the category had been changed to comedy, musical and action. The fact that this is the first Bruce Willis action movie to get nominated for a Golden Globe over his really, really good and decidedly classic action movies like any of the Die Hards, 12 Monkeys, The Fifth Element, Unbreakable or Sin City, or even an action comedy like The Whole Nine Yards, borders on criminal.  

is it ... is it even possible?

is it ... is it even possible? how did this happen?

The Tourist. Whoops, it looks like the category has changed again. Now it’s comedy, musical, action and stir-fried s—. This is the same Tourist that’s a staunch 20 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. The same Tourist that contained two of the biggest bankable stars on the planet but managed to make just $16.5 million at the box office over the weekend. The same Tourist that doesn’t look anything like a musical or comedy.

But wait, there’s more! The Golden Globes didn’t think it was enough to utterly ignore the rest of the comedies of 2010 by giving Tourist a nomination, a slap in the face to movies like Cyrus, Toy Story 3, The Other Guys, Dinner for Schmucks and Get Him to the Greek. Then it decided to remove one of its white gloves, wind up and smack the actors and actresses of those other comedies too by giving Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp acting nominations in the comedy categories. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe Tourist is the funniest thing since Will Ferrell whipped out his sack and defiled John C. Reilly’s drum set. I’d even feel a little better if it’s comically bad so that I can laugh at it instead of with it.

But every trailer I’ve seen, every interview I’ve heard, every review that’s been written says this is one big suckfest from start to finish. Here are some of the reviews that fall on the positive side that brought Tourist’s rating all the way up to 20 on RT. Remember, these are the reviews that are considered “positive.” I’m completely and unabashedly stealing from Bill Simmons here, but five of these blurbs are totally real, and two of them are made up. See if you can figure out which ones I made up:

they lack sparks. and that's a good review.

they lack sparks. and that's a good review.

1. “A watchable yet forgettable piece of work.”

2. “Depp and Jolie lack sparks, but The Tourist is a light little lark of a mystery-love story.”

3. “Spectacularly scenic but don’t expect much more than a frothy diversion.”

4. “Wow, that Johnny Depp sure knows how to comb his hair.”

5. “Luckily Depp and Jolie are an attractive central pairing who smoulder with on-screen chemistry while the rest of the film crumbles around them.”

6. “There are worse and less harmful ways to spend 10 bucks and two hours, like at a Mexican cockfight.”

7. “If you sit back and enjoy the eye candy of the stars and locations, at least one cold winter night will actually fly by.”

If you said 4 and 6 were made up, good for you! Can you tell I’m getting more angry as I’m writing this and it’s all starting to sink in? Good. Let’s just move on.

you lost me when you stuck a 9 mm up against a newborn's head. but you're still bad @ss.

you lost me when you stuck a 9 mm up against a newborn's head. but you're still bad @ss.

–It took three years, but Katey Sagal finally got noticed for her work on Sons of Anarchy. Not sure what took so long. In a season of questionable decisions by the creative team around what used to be one of the best shows on TV, the one constant of the show was Gemma Teller thanks to Sagal’s honesty and willingness to go to places other actresses would shy away from. In reality, the Gemma character should have been one long, sick joke this season. She fled federal prosecution (twice). She kidnapped her father’s caretaker, killed her and then called in a cleaner to dispose of the body. She gave herself up to the feds, only to break out to fly to Ireland for a couple weeks. She thought it was a good idea to put a gun to a baby’s head. Then, after all that, the feds inexplicably let her off the hook. If you laid out that kind of plan to most actresses, they’d be in real jail for murdering the writers. Katherine Heigl complained about her lack of material a couple years ago on Grey’s Anatomy, and if anyone had a complaint this year, it was Sagal for the torturous routines Gemma went through. Gemma should have been a joke, but Sagal turned crap into gold.

–The other TV nominees are really boring. I’m thoroughly unexcited.

–All of a sudden, there are some new names that might have to be taken into account in the acting Oscar races. The most surprising one is Paul Giamatti, nominated for Barney’s Version, a movie that isn’t even getting a small release until mid-January and hasn’t been mentioned at all in the mix. The only reason I heard of the movie before today is because Giamatti was on Stern a couple weeks ago promoting it. Same goes for Kevin Spacey in Casino Jack, although I had at least heard of that movie before today.

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