More Boats N Hoes!

A whole week without links, sorry about that:

if they're all as good as boats n hoes, fine. but i doubt it.

if they're all as good as boats n hoes, fine. but i doubt it.

As funny as Step Brothers is — and it’s probably one of my 10 favorite comedies of the 2000s — I’m the one fan that isn’t too excited about the possibility of Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly cutting a rap album. I’m not that much of a fan of stars of comedies singing in their movies, 99 times out of a 100 it’s a lazy comedic tool where actors and directors expect us to say, “Oh, ba ha ha, Steve Carell is singing Age of Aquarius and everyone is dancing with him, ba ha ha!” Or, “Whoa, hold on to your seats, Will Ferrell and a bunch of other people are going to sing Afternoon Delight!” The entire plot of The Wedding Singer is based on this ridiculous premise! It’s not funny, it’s actually anti-funny and just plain lackadaisical. Instead of packing two more minutes of a movie with silly things like jokes, plot or character development, we’re subjected to what amounts to filler time. It might be funny for about 10 seconds, but about a quarter of the way through, we’re wondering how much longer it’s going on for. Step Brothers isn’t free from this either. Boats ‘N’ Hoes (naughty language alert on that link) is one thing — but Adam Scott’s family doing that Sweet Child O’ Mine rendition is dragged out and basically has no point to the plot. It’s gratuitous. It’s no different than if a naked girl walks across the screen for no reason. If that happens, women’s groups rightfully protest — so why don’t comedy groups start railing against stars singing popular music in their movies? Seriously, watch the Sweet Child of Mine thing again and mark the exact time when you get bored. I couldn’t make it past the 25-second mark.

There’s no getting around it — 2010 was just not a good year at the box office. I espoused as much the other day, but didn’t have the time to give the emperical, inarguable proof like this story does. Be ready to get numbered to death, but if you’re a fan of statistics and figures where the movie box office is related, that story is your wet dream.

"more sex-y fun than the first!"

"more sex-y fun than the first!"

Some more great research, this time for comedy’s sake. It’s bad enough when movie taglines are the corniest, cheesiest phrases you could ever think, here come the movie reviewers to shamelessly shill to get their name on the movie poster underneath their benign quote about the movie. There really are reviewers out there who do this on purpose and give bad movies good reviews so they can get their name on TV. It’s usually a review for Little Fockers or something by someone from KPHX in Phoenix saying “I loved this movie!” just so their name can appear on a commercial as the only positive review for it. I can’t remember the actual name, but a buddy of mine used to introduce himself to strangers as one of those reviewers in the hopes that someone would recognize the name. Anyway, what the heck is Peter Travers doing on this list a bunch of times? He’s a legitimate reviewer, why is he plopping himself down in the mud with these people?

To tell you the truth, I didn’t know Life on the D-List was still on but it’s going to be gone soon now. Shows how much I care or keep up with reality shows or Bravo. I think I watched the first couple because I’m a Kathy Griffin fan — I even watched an inordinate amount of Suddenly Susan episodes because of her and David Strickland — but reality just isn’t that funny to me, I guess. Hopefully she gets more work after this, but she’s burned so many bridges it’s tough to see where it could come from.

It may not have been funny, but it’s still funnier than Better With You, the red-headed stepchild of ABC’s Wednesday night comedy block. It doesn’t look, feel, sound or act anything like the other three shows. It’s not nearly as good as any of them and looks like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. It would fit much better somewhere around Cougar Town, but ABC can’t do that because it’s already established its biggest comedy hit, Modern Family, at 9 p.m. It can’t be moved. You can’t move Cougar Town to 8 and The Middle to 9:30, because their content doesn’t fit those time slots. So if ABC really does decide to keep Better With You at 8:30 next season, it’s going to have a schedule that doesn’t really fit and isn’t meeting it’s potential. It’s copycatting NBC’s innovation and trying a three-hour comedy block later this year on Wednesdays, so maybe if that works it can’t move Better With You out of the 8:30 slot and get a good family comedy in there to be a decent bridge between Middle and Modern Family — both of which may have supplied two of their best episodes to date on Wednesday. Clair grabbing Gloria off the bike has been ingrained in my head since then. And what do you know, they made something funny without singing the Queen song Bicycle Race!

loved ya, bill mcneil. hated your good-bye episode.

loved ya, bill mcneil. hated your good-bye episode.

Another reason why Seinfeld was the probably the funniest show ever. In this list of famous sitcom deaths, it’s a bunch of really downer episodes that I don’t want to revisit unless I’m feeling like downing a bottle of Prozacs and drinking myself to sleep. The Phil Hartman death episode of Newsradio was on Reelz last Friday and after it was over, I was couch bound. Couldn’t get up. And that episode is one of the funnier ones on this list! Who wants to relive those kinds of things? Thank God the episode where Jimmy runs for president was on right after to bring the feeling back to my feet. But the Seinfeld episode where Susan dies? I can watch that over and over because it didn’t try to be something it’s not. Seinfeld wasn’t a drama, and neither were any of those other shows. Act like it. Death can be funny, especially in our escapist world of TV.

I want to add some additional Hollywood New Year’s resolutions: 1. At least try to have an original thought. 2. Seriously, make it seem like there is one creative person in the state of California. 3. Stop making big-screen adaptations of 60s, 70s or 80s TV shows. You may, however, continue with the 24 movie, but tread lightly with the Arrested Development flick. 4. Be original! We’re tried of sh—y sequels, remakes and reboots!

Too late! This might be the worst sequel-type movie I’ve ever heard of, for Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann to reprise their Knocked Up roles in the next movie by Judd Apatow’s corpse. Leslie Mann’s character is one of the most annoying and outdated women I ever saw on screen, right up there with Winnie Cooper and Myra Freener from Hoosiers. And Paul Rudd was the ultimate whipped stereotype, the confluence of one of the worst marriage arrangements in cinema history. I’m not sure if there is a movie I’ve ever wanted to see less.

guns, action, hot girls and cobra commander. shouldn't be that hard.

guns, action, hot girls and cobra commander. shouldn't be that hard.

At least Hollywood is seeing its way clear to kick out of some of the people responsible for making some of the bad adaptations. Even with a decent cast, GI Joe couldn’t have been worse if Michael Bay himself directed it while on vacation. Why, then, would the studio even consider director Stephen Sommers to direct the sequel? Shouldn’t they have immediately put his name on the list of people banned from the lot? Nope, they dragged it out for 16 months before finally cutting him loose. There’s a 95 percent chance the GI Joe sequel is going to be just as bad as the original. But with Sommers directing, the chances were 99.99999 percent. That’s at least a little bit of an upgrade.

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