Oscar Picks, and Charlie Sheen is Untouchable

Before we get to Oscar picks:

ahhhhh, these were the good ol' days for charlie sheen, hooking up with jennifer grey at a police station.

ahhhhh, these were the good ol' days for charlie sheen, hooking up with jennifer grey at a police station.

Apparently all it takes to get me interested in this Charlie Sheen thing is him standing over the CBS studios with an atomic bomb in his back pocket laughing manically while he thinks about dropping — and then does. For the last couple months, I couldn’t have cared less about him. I’d rather not think of Sheen as the guy from 2.5 Men, I’d much rather think of him as Rick Vaughn, Bud Fox, Chris Taylor in Platoon or even Private Bean in Cadence. He could even be “The Guy That Ruined Spin City.” 2.5 Men Charlie Sheen, crazy rehab Charlie Sheen, I just had no interest in that. But now that Sheen has clearly reached the scary “Eff You” mode where he’s so rich that he doesn’t care who he hurts or what people think about what he says, he’s fascinating. Is it because he’s finally straight (if he is straight)? Maybe that’s why CBS didn’t seem to care that he was doing enough cocaine to kill a small horse, because they knew how dangerous he was when he was thinking straight. Now they’re finding out. Sheen has spent the last couple weeks doing whatever he could to get kicked off the show, and he finally got his wish by making overtly anti-Semitic remarks directed toward series creator Chuck Lorre. What’s really funny is that Sheen goes out of his way to blast Lorre for having a Jewish given name, insinuating that he’s trying to hide it. Wait, isn’t Sheen’s real last name Estevez? So is he trying to hide his Latino name? Rarely does someone manage to offend two ethnic groups with one stupid statement, but Sheen managed to do it. Bravo! The good part of this whole thing is that the world will be rid of 2.5 Men. Not good for the hundreds of other people that work on the show, but good for the millions of us offended by bad comedy.

On to the Oscar picks. The awards are Sunday at 8:30 p.m., I may be doing some live tweeting during the show in case anyone is interested. Or I may be watching my Due Date DVD, which is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. Not quite sure yet.

BEST PICTURE

go ahead, talk! tallllllkkkkkkkkk!!!!!

go ahead, talk! tallllllkkkkkkkkk!!!!!

Two months of phony-baloney award shows and we’re down to two favorites — The Social Network and The King’s Speech. Everyone else is just there for the gift bags. Oscar history of staying domestic seems to tip the scale in the favor of the Facebook film, which, just like in real life, was far more popular than the MySpace movie and Foursquare flick.

Winner: The Social Network

Sleeper: Inception

BEST ACTOR

It used to be that if you played a drunk, you got an Oscar nomination. Maybe Colin Firth will start a trend of winning an Oscar for playing a stutterer. That’s good news for whoever lands the lead in The Michael Spinks Story.

Winner: Firth, The King’s Speech

Sleeper: James Franco, 127 Hours

BEST ACTRESS

where's your baby bump?

where's your baby bump?

Another two-horse race, this time between Natalie Portman and Annette Bening. How do you distinguish yourself in such a race? By getting out-of-wedlock pregnant and showing up for the red carpet with a baby bump. Take that, Bening!

Winner: Portman, Black Swan

Sleeper: Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christian Bale has won every award short of the Tobyhanna Film Critics Association for The Fighter. With any luck, he’ll cap his speech tonight by launching into a profanity-laced tirade at someone for breaking his concentration. “What don’t you %$#@ understand, teleprompter guy?”

Winner: Bale

Sleeper: Jeremy Renner, The Town

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

How long has it been since the Oscars had a good ol’-fashioned cat fight? Twenty years? Forty? Our sincere thanks to Melissa Leo (The Fighter) who has taken on the role of Oscar villainand run with it like a champ. I love how she belittled Hailee Steinfeld for pimping for the Oscar, then a couple weeks later she started taking out ads herself. Awesome. She should be nominated every year, it’ll be a lot more fun. Kay Howard, you’ve come quite a long way!

Winner: Leo

Sleeper: Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit

BEST DIRECTOR

watch your back. he's out there.

watch your back. he's out there.

Director James Cameron must still be pretty ticked off that he lost to his ex-wife last year in this category, right? Should we be worried that right before this year’s winner grabs the statue, Cameron will jump out from the orchestra pit toting a machine gun, rip off a fake mustache, swipe the Oscar, yell something in Na’vi and escape through the crowd? I think I’m a little worried.

Winner: David Fincher, Social Network

Sleeper: Tom Hooper, King’s Speech

BEST SCREENPLAY, ADAPTED

Social Network. No joking around on this. The government needs to step in and investigate if it doesn’t win.

Winner: Social Network

Sleeper: Winter’s Bone

BEST SCREENPLAY, ORIGINAL

i get it. i'm just not sure anyone else does

i get it. i'm just not sure anyone else does

You can’t watch a movie three times, still not be able to explain it, and then give it an Oscar for best screenplay. You just can’t. It’s, like, a rule or something. That’s exactly what about 75 percent of Oscar voters said when they decided to check the box next to The Kids Are All Right instead of Inception.

Winner: The Kids Are All Right

Sleeper: Inception

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