The Randomness of Being Randomly Random

Just thought I’d pop open my head and pick out a couple of thoughts that have been banging around there lately:

It’s very disconcerting to wake up and realize, “Wow, my mind works exactly like Dexter Morgan’s. We think the exact same things!”

Exactly how many comebacks is Britney Spears allowed to have before we can forget about her? Maybe when she comes out with a new single in 2025 called, “I Need Money, Please!” we’ll all get the picture.

You know how you know she’s still a star? She did a live concert for Good Morning America last week andI was glued to it while running on the treadmill at the gym. Then I looked around, and everyone else’s eyes were glued to her too. Star.

For the first time ever, I watched Castle on Monday because my wife knew someone that was going to be on. I would have turned it off after five minutes, but wanted to seriously and objectively look at it to see why people watch these go-nowhere, formulaic, procedural cop shows. After watching it, I couldn’t come up with an answer and remain baffled. And now Lights Out is canceled because no one watched it. Trying to figure out things like that hurts my brain.

Russell Brand annoys me.

My major summer movie anticipation ranks: 1. Hangover II 2. X-Men First Class 3. Harry Potter 4. Horrible Bosses 5. Captain America

i said the same thing two years ago. the only way we can make them stop making transformers movies is by not going to them. so please don't.

i said the same thing two years ago. the only way we can make them stop making transformers movies is by not going to them. so please don't.

My summer movie avoidance rankings: 1. Transformers: Dark of the Moon 2. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides 3. Transformers 4. Pirates 5. (tie)Pirates/Transformers. You can probably guess how the rest of the top 10 would go.

So what if Dark Knight Rises will film in Pittsburgh? The best it can do is rank second on the all-time filmed-in-Pittsburgh movie list. Good luck ever getting past Striking Distance. This might be a good point to mention I have a fantasy team this year named “The Infamous Tom Hardy.”

If Charlie Sheen can trademark “Duh, winning,” then I should be able to trademark, “Kill me. Please.”

In her next movie, Natalie Portman should use an arm double. Maybe she should just start a career checklist on parts of her body she could use a double for. In 20 years, she might think, “Hmmmmmm, I don’t necessarily want to do Thor 13. But maybe if I do, they’ll let me use that heel double I need to complete my collection!”

I knew this day would come. I prayed it wouldn’t, but it did. Little Fockers came out on DVD. That means we were all just fiendishly subjected to another week of commercials featuring Robert DeNiro saying “Double dose.”

Indulge me with one sports thought. It’s bad enough that Major League Baseball is stupid enough to allow Opening Day games in March. It’s even dumber that March or April 1 games are held in cold weather cities. But it’s downright daffy how those cold-weather, early April games can be allowed to happen at night. I want to go, get hypothermia and sue the pants off Bud Selig.

Isn’t it nice that we’ve all settled on “tweeting” for the action of sending a message on Twitter, and “tweet” for the message itself? No more “twit” or “twat” jokes, hooray! Oooooohhhhhhh, wait, now I get it! It has a double meaning! Hysterical! You know when it was even funnier? When Norm McDonald made that joke in like 2006. When Stephen Colbert becomes the 4,832nd comedian to make that joke in 2010, it’s the equivalent of him sticking a recently sharpened pencil in my ear.

he's not even the best front man in his own band

he's not even the best front man in his own band

Seventeen years ago, I wondered why people in my dorm were crying and putting candles outside their doors. Today, I still don’t understand why people reacted that way to the death of Kurt Cobain. He wouldn’t make the list of 20 best all-time front men and would barely crack a top 10 of the 90s list.

As long as we’re at it, you’d have to choose from this list of 90s lead singers for Cobain to crack the top 10. And these are just off the top of my head, I’m sure I’m missing some people: Cobain, Axl Rose, Eddie Vedder, Chris Cornell, Trent Reznor, Bono, Scott Weiland, Thom Yorke, Chuck D, Anthony Kiedis, Billy Jo Armstrong, Billy Corrigan, Dave Matthews, Dave Grohl, Darius Rucker, Chris Robinson, Michael Stipe, Trey Anastasio, Rivers Cuomo, Rob Thomas, Perry Farrell, Gwen Stefani. I can find 10 I like better than Cobain on that list. Feel free to add to the list and debate Cobain’s inclusion in the comments.

The best argument I’ll accept on Cobain’s behalf:

you smell, lemon. i'm leaving.

you smell, lemon. i'm leaving.

When Alec Baldwin says next year will be the last for 30 Rock, all I hear is, “Get me off this show yesterday.”

Most people hear the Grammys just cut 30 categories and say, “It’s about time!” I hear it and say, “THAT’S IT???????” There’s room to lose 30 more, easy.

You will be surprised when The Good Wife gets canceled next month. You will be even more surprised when NBC picks it up.

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