My Love Letter to Michael Scott

Dear Michael Scott,

yeah, i even love prison mike

yeah, i even love prison mike

I love you.

Just to clarify, I’m not a stalker. Sure, I’ve actually looked for you around the streets of Scranton. And yes, I know you’re not real. But I looked anyway. You know, just in case.

Also just to clarify, it’s not “I want to have your babies” love. It’s more of a bromance thing. See what you do to me?!?!?! I vowed I’d never use the word “bromance,” and here I am fumbling all over myself trying to get the words out.

Anyway, I love you, Michael Scott.

I love your stupid humor, I love your naïveté, I love when people underestimate you and you end up making them look dumber than Dwight’s Motley Crue warm-up before a sales call.

Remember when David Wallace negotiated to buy Michael Scott Paper? He thought you were an idiot, but you pretty much had him bent over by the end of the negotiations. Your over-the-top demands could have been responsible for bankrupting Dunder-Mifflin, but who cares?

Then there was the time Ryan thought he could manipulate you with that WUPHF nonsense earlier this season, and you almost made him cry when you laid out your demands.

Maybe it doesn’t make up for the time that people jumped overboard on the booze cruise around Lake Wallenpaupack because they didn’t really get your brand of humor, or when you burned your foot on a George Foreman grill, but that’s why pencils have erasers, right?

Ah, memories. Michael Scott, you were a seven-year gift to TV comedy that just so happened to also reside in northeastern Pennsylvania, so we felt a kinship. As far as we know, the only time you came to Monroe County was to participate in a tawdry affair with a married woman at a motel in Mount Pocono. Or to get yams at a gas station. That doesn’t matter! We’ll adopt you anyway as NEPA-approved.

You started out as a carbon copy of a role already lauded in cult circles, but after a while, you thankfully ditched the slicked-back hair from early episodes and made Michael Scott 100 percent original. After a few years, even fans of the original were saying, “Why does the name David Brent sound familiar; have I ever heard it before?”

When we came home on Thursday nights from a long week of dealing with our crazy bosses, you gave us an outlet. You played the heavy.

“Tee hee, that Michael Scott, he’s so stupid!”

In some Freudian way, we weren’t laughing at you. We were laughing at our own boss, taking out our frustrations at home instead of reserving a spot in the unemployment line by doing it at work. We were all Jim Halperts, and you took the bullet as our crazy boss.

You didn’t mind. In fact, you even ramped up the dumb, almost to an intolerable level. You’ve reigned it in recently, found love and you’re moving to Colorado. We wish you well.

But please, don’t be a stranger. We’ve got three sweeps months next season to get you back in the office. We’ll need our fix of our favorite TV boss.

Thanks for the laughs, Michael Scott.

Links:

One thing the Internet is good at is making lists for holidays coinciding with pop culture moments. Around Christmas you’ll always see the best Christmas movies, around Halloween you get the best costumes worn by TV characters … you get the idea. But Holy Thursday and Good Friday? That’s a tough one. Nice effort by Zap2It to come up with faux Last Supper pictures and referenceswe’ve seen, mostly in TV. But wait, they missed the best one! If you’re under 25, you don’t remember The State, the sketch comedy show on MTV. Even if you’re over 25, you might not remember it. But they had their moments, and this was certainly one of them. When I’m at Mass around this time hearing the Passion, I always think of the end of this sketch. “He’s yelling about his balls.”

For debate: Joss Whedon will be the only credited screenwriter on The Avengers. Is that a good or a bad thing? That’s a toughie. Whdeon has somehow managed to live off writing about 20 percent of two great series, Buffy and Angel. No matter how much cult lover Firefly has, it didn’t lasta  full season. And Dollhouse was a mess. Whedon taking the whole thing as his own … it might not be the best thing. Then again, would Zak Penn really be the answer anyway if he was going to have his stamp all over it? X-Men 2 is overrated, X-Men 3 is universally panned (even though I like it), Elektra sucked, The Incredible Hulk could have been a lot better … so why does he keep getting comic book movie writing jobs? The saving grace is that he wrote one of the best college comedies ever, PCU.

 

I have a soft spot in my heart for the Tribeca Film Festival since it’s the only major one I’ve ever been to. But even with that soft spot, this looks like a pretty good lineup of movies for anyone. I’m surprised and somewhat disappointed in myself that I didn’t know will Ferrell had an independent movie coming out. The only thing I knew about before this list is The Bang Bang Club, and that’s only because of my man-crush on Taylor Kitsch. Wait, man-crush? Love letter to a fictional guy? I think I’ll go home and have sex with my wife now.

wait, wait, one more! what has to happen to your career before you end up in a skinemax movie?

wait, wait, one more! what has to happen to your career before you end up in a skinemax movie?

Or I could fawn over the one, the only, Tiff. And now she wants me to ask her a question? Oh geez, oh geez, oh geez … OK, lemme think. Hmmmmm. I don’t want it to be too stupid so she doesn’t think I’m a dork. So nothing like, “What’s it like being a mom?” I don’t want to sound too desperate, so nothing like, “Would you marry me?” OK, here’s three: 1. Eff, marry kill, Dustin Diamond, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Mario Lopez. Wait, I already know the answer to that one (Lopez, Gosselaar, Diamond). Here’s a better one: Zack and Kelly got married in 1994, so how many times do you think they’ve been divorced and re-married since then? 2. I may meet Mario Lopez next month and want to impress him. Can I tell him I had a one-night stand with you? 3. Are you mad that you never got one funny line in five years of Saved by the Bell? And a bonus: Did you ever want to punch out everyone in the Saved by the Bell audience for all the hooting and hollering whenever someone kissed? One of those has to get picked.

Jeremy Renner has it going on lately. He’ll want to ride out this hot streak as long as he can, so go for it. Take Bourne. Take a Hawkeye spinoff. Take a family-friendly franchise lead. Take some talking dog movie in about 10 years when the hot streak runs out. Do it all, man. You’ve earned it.

Holy nuts. Another big-time star on The Office season finale? Remember the last time The Office had a guest-star lineup like this? It was their post Super Bowl show a couple years ago with Jessica Alba, Jack Black and Cloris Leachman. And that little movie-within-the-TV-show was probably the worst and unfunniest thing the show ever did. So it’s starting to get a little scary. As long as we’re at it, let’s go ahead and start — and end — the discussion since it’s bound to heat up today and over the weekend. Jim Carrey will not be the new boss on The Office. There’s just no chance. It’s the most interesting name to pop up yet and he’d be fantastic since he’s a perfect comedic fit for the show and is a big enough star to make set up the Numeral Uno hierarchy. But the next boss has to be someone who can be absorbed into the role. Jim Carrey will always be seen as Jim Carrey, not the Sabre Scranton boss. So he’s out. Too bad. This is Office boss material all the way:

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