Don’t Think for a Second This is the End of Kate Gosselin

One more day for ZZ Top tickets, I’m pulling the winning entry at 2 p.m. Wednesday. If you want a shot at them, get an entry in pronto.

it took about 50 tries, but this was probably her best look

it took about 50 tries, but this was probably her best look

This blog hasn’t been around for a very long time, so I haven’t outlasted many people. But I am going to enjoy the fact that I outlasted one person — Kate Gosselin and her one-woman show. When my wife started watching Jon and Kate from its premiere, it infuriated me. I had never, ever seen a more frustrating, man-hating, god-complex woman in my life. I hated Kate Gosselin from the start. I wanted her quiet, demure husband to rise up, drop the house keys on the floor, say, “Done” and just walk away forever. Only then would she realize what a lunatic she really was, I thought. Soooooo … it didn’t turn out exactly like that, and I actually feel sorry for how poorly she was treated by her ex-husband. That doesn’t mean she’s any less crazy, she just didn’t deserve to be treated like she was. But her show deserves to be canceled because the only reason people were watching in the first place was to see how she could try and break Jon’s manhood each week. It didn’t work with him not around. But now that she’ll be out of my life — until she signs with OWN — I’m a much happier person. I also have to thank Kate Gosselin, which is weird. She is part of the reason a good number of people started reading this blog, because I would often write about that freakin’ show and complain about Kate. Not coincidentally, during the whole blow-up, my readership went up because I actually watched the show and knew the history. That was a bit of a sell-out point for me, but I actually was fascinated by all the attention it was getting, so it wasn’t all that bad.

This looks like a pretty good place to start formulating a top movies of 2011 list. Wanna know how many 2011 movies I’ve seen so far? Three. Three!!! And I’m counting Sucker Punch in there even though I only made it through about a half-hour before I realized that if I watched any more, I might jump out of the first 53rd story window I could find. So it won’t be gracing my top 20 of 2011. I have Super sitting on my TV right now and I’m holding out hope for about 10 movies in my queue, Tree of Life, X-Men, Win Win and The Beaver being the highest on my “looking forward to”  hierarchy.

i guess it's still fun to dream

i guess it's still fun to dream

It was fun to be excited about the Arrested Development movie for a couple months back in 2009, wasn’t it? Sure it was! But those of us that were excited were eating up those far-flung movie rumors like they were freaking caviar. Wait, I hate fish. We were eating those rumors like Middlesworth BBQ chips. Yeah, that’s better. The beauty of it is that even though only about 4 million people watched the show, apparently they were all the ones with entertainment website because every silly rumor that was out there was getting top-of-the-page treatment on every website that’s ever been created. I think it was at the top of NationalGeographic.com. Then we realized that nothing we heard about the AD movie was even close to true, so we just stopped listening. Completely. Jason Bateman has had three major roles in three major comedies this year — and I don’t remember after any of his publicity stops seeing one BS “Bateman says Arrested Development movie starts production SOON!!!” headline anywhere. It’s not like reporters stopped asking — AD fans just didn’t care anymore. If the movie happened, cool. If not, we’ll live and just watch our DVDs since it’s one of the most rewatchable TV shows that’s ever been created, holding court in rarified air with shows like Seinfeld, Simpsons, Friends, Married with Children, Welcome Back Kotter, Happy Days and Cheers. That screams future blog post. Anyway, it is with great trepidation that I pass along the note that there is a rumored plot to the rumored Arrested Development rumored movie. The only reason I’m passing it along is it’s kinda funny. Although if I come up with a plot that’s just as funny, I’ll pass that along too.

In the list of actors that need to go back to the well to hit through their bread-and-butter franchise, Mike Myers is at the top. Well, second place at worst. The list probably goes:

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Umm, yeah.

1a. Mike Myers. You can certainly make the case that no one has fallen as far and as fast without a scandal to propel them as Myers has. It’s to the point where I don’t think he’s funny anymore. If you took me aside in 1998 and told me there would be a time, just 13 years later, where I would be questioning the humor of Mike Myers, I probably would have faked an attempt and a hand shake with you, then given you a Stone Cold Stunner, poured Budweiser on your comatose carcass and given you the double bird while you lay there convalescing. It would have come to that, yes. This is the man who gave us Wayne Campbell, Austin Powers, Coffee Talk, Sprockets, Simon, Lothar of the Hill People and So I Married an Axe Murderer — and I’m now questioning whether this man is funny? Make Wayne’s World 3, make Austin Powers 4, even make a substandard So I Married and Axe Murderer spinoff with Stuart MacKenzie — just get back to the business of being funny. Make me remember.

2. Paul Hogan. Only at 2 because the gross went down on each installment until he was going to people’s houses asking them to go see Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. Otherwise he’d be #1 easy.

3. The American Pie gang. They’re getting another one, lucky for them. Here’s another shocker scenario. If I told you in 1999 that of all the kids in the cast, only one would ever host Saturday Night Live, would you have believed me? If I said, 100-to-1 odds that’s what happens, would you have bet me $10, thinking it was the easiest $10 you ever made? You would have.

poor guy. these days are long, long gone, and there ain't no my cousin vinny 2 coming down the pike anytime soon

poor guy. these days are long, long gone, and there ain't no my cousin vinny 2 coming down the pike anytime soon

4. Ralph Macchio. Only this low because the Karate Kid franchise has already moved on, despite Macchio’s repeated emails, texts, calls and candygrams.

5. Mel Gibson. Pick one. Mad Max or Lethal Weapon, it doesn’t matter which one. But unless he does one of them, he’s gonna have to be content getting scripts to play the crazy guy of a criminal syndicate.

Wait, aren’t we supposed to like the best friend in a movie more than we like the star? That’s how it’s supposed to work, right? We’re supposed to go through a wide range of emotions with the star of any movie. We love them, we hate them, we like them, we loathe them, then we love them, all in the span of two hours. The best friend has the easy job. They come in for about 30 total minutes of total screen time, they say nothing but funny things, and at worst, they’re the ones who push the star best friend to do the right thing. Even when they have a bigger role than the standard best friend — someone like Banky in Chasing Amy — they’re still designed so that we like them more consistently than we like the star. All that being said, I hope Robert Downey Jr. fired his agent in 1985 when Keith Gordon got the Jason Melon part and he was stuck playing Derek Lutz.

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