Name That Fantasy Football Team

In the next few weeks, many of you will be asked to make one of the biggest decisions of your year.

It’s one that can’t be stepped into lightly. It takes careful planning, a considerable amount of thought and plenty of ingenuity. It will define who you are in the eyes of friends and family for the next four months.

It’s your fantasy football team name. You want to be funny, clever, smart, and you want to impress your friends. Follow these rules to make it happen:

• It must stand the test of time. By mid-December, “Casey Anthony’s Future Ex-Husband” probably will have lost its shine.

• It’s got to be short. Yahoo! only allows 20 characters, others go up to 30 and that’s it.

• When the other league members see it for the first time, you want them to say, “Crap! I wish I would have thought that!” So don’t go too deep into the vault or no one will know what you’re talking about.

So before you sign up with the boring “GIANTS RULE!!!” consider stepping up your game with some pop-culture-inspired team names.

You’re welcome.

CURRENT TV NAMES

no, not these ...

no, not these ...

... this guy

... this guy

Annie’s Boobs: Troy’s pet monkey in “Community.” Works especially well if the wife/girlfriend of someone in your league is named Annie. Not so much if a league member is named Annie.

Threat Level Midnight: Michael Scott’s action movie starring the entire “Office” staff. If you’d like to go old school, Scratonicity, Kevin’s wedding-playing band, is always a winner (see fake bands).

The Chicken Brothers: The English translation of “Los Pollos Hermanos,” Gus’s fast-food chicken joint in “Breaking Bad.” Shows you’re smart for knowing how to translate it and that you’re a fan of one of TV’s smartest shows.

Aural Intensity: A rival of glee club group of the “Glee” gang. I used it last year, but you’ll have to admit to your buddies you watch “Glee.”

SAMCRO: The motorcycle club in “Sons of Anarchy.”

Flipadelphia: The “Always Sunny” fake Flip-Cup Championship of Philadelphia. For Eagles fans. Kitten Mittons — make sure you spell it that way — is a good alternative.

OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Gary’s Old Towne Tavern: The rival bar of the “Cheers” gang.

The Triple Lindy: Rodney Dangerfield’s special dive in “Back to School.”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItCWg1iz3Ss

I Speak Jive: Barbara Billingsly’s famous “Airplane!” line.

Enrico Pallazo: The opera singer Frank Dreben impersonates to get on the field in “Naked Gun.”

don't you just wanna punch this picture?

don't you just wanna punch this picture?

Cobra Kai: Cool about 10 years ago, way overused now thanks to ESPN.com writer Bill Simmons.

Crab cakes and Football: That’s what Maryland does! From “Wedding Crashers.” Perfect if you’re a Maryland native/resident playing in a league with no one else from your state.

Regurgitating Gordon Wood: Part of the bar monologue from “Good Will Hunting.” Too many characters for Yahoo! though.

Prognosis Negative: This could be a theme. You could be the guy in the league that uses only names of fake movies mentioned in Seinfeld. There are about 20 of them to keep you busy for two decades worth of team names.

BRUCE WILLIS MOVIES (a favorite fantasy team name genre of mine)

It’s a Chopper Baby: If fantasy was big in 1994, all the cool kids would have been using “Royale with Cheese.” You still can — but dig a little deeper into the Bruce Willis “Pulp Fiction” vault. Go even deeper and you’ve got “Red Apples No Filters.”

Nakatomi Towers: From “Die Hard.” Lends to a lot of “BLOW THE ROOF!!!!” jokes from your buddies if you’re in last place come November, though.

The Melon Farmers: The funniest TV edit of you-know-what naughty phrase from “Die Hard with a Vengeance.”

Los Angeles Stallions: The fake football team in “Last Boy Scout.” Admittedly a stretch.

FAKE BANDS

put your mind to it, go for it, you've gotta break a sweat!

put your mind to it, go for it, you've gotta break a sweat!

Hot Sundae: The singing group Kelly, Jesse and Lisa formed in the infamous “Jesse’s on speed” episode of Saved by the Bell. Best. Name. Ever.

Mouse Rat: Andy’s band in “Parks and Recreation.”

 
 
 
 
 

 

Rod Torfulson’s Armada: A recurring teenage band in “Kids in the Hall.” You’re probably not going to have enough room to include “Featuring Herman Menderchuk.”

Dingoes Ate My Baby: Oz’s band in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

Frozen Embryos: Dreamy Jordan Catalano’s band in “My So-Called Life.” 30 Seconds to Mars, however, is not an acceptable team name.

Wyld Stallyns: The band of Ted “Theodore” Logan and Bill S. Preston, Esquire, in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.”

Crucifictorious: Landry’s garage band in “Friday Night Lights,” TV version.

Sonic Death Monkey: An alternative suggestion for Jack Black’s band in “High Fidelity.” I like this one more than what he went with, Barry Jive and the Uptown Five.

Mystik Spiral: Even though he’s probably still thinking of changing the name, it’s Trent’s band in “Daria.”

The Oneders: From “That Thing You Do,” but only if you spell it that way so that people think it’s pronounced “Oh-NEE-ders” or “OH-neh-ders.” Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters is too long. And just so this gets stuck in your head for the next week …

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