Wrong Number on Ringer

A word of pre-warning, there is an additional warning at the bottom. But in my review for Ringer further down the page, I give away the twist ending. And I don’t feel even remotely bad about it. I just want to make sure everyone knows it’s coming.

Links:

anytime you can pull a still of a movie that looks like this, i have no problem remaking the whole thing

anytime you can pull a still of a movie that looks like this, i have no problem remaking the whole thing

Remaking classic movies is one thing, it tends to piss people off when you’re screwing with their childhood memories. But at the same time, you have to do something with some kind of name recognition, because that’s the reason financially that you’re remaking it in the first place. People don’t have to learn the name of the new movie, they already know the movie because of its predecessor. But if someone tried to do a Pulp Fiction remake, you’d have something like 5 katrillion Internet petitions to make sure it never happened. Point Break? Not so much. It’s arguably one of the most slam-dunk remake candidates out there. It was just good enough and had a hot enough cast to bring people out to the theaters the first time around, but was so utterly cheesy, insanely silly and 90s-time-warped that there a vast area of improvement for an update. There was some Twitter outrage, but that will die down in a day or two. Some of the Twitter “outrage” was actually a sarcastic joke on the original, though The Today Show didn’t seem to be in on it. This remake is PopRox approved — not that I’m looking forward to it in any way.

It’s a good thing we’ve all now received confirmation on the fact that Book of Mormon will be a movie, because for a while there, you know, I thought it would never make it to the big scr– nope, forget it, I can’t even finish that sentence with a straight face. Of course it’s gonna be a movie! It’s made a zillion dollars when nothing on Broadway makes any money anymore! And just in case you thought Hollywood might have wanted to instead decide to make an original idea into a movie instead, then perhaps you didn’t read the last bit about Point Break.

couple more wrinkles on that face these days

couple more wrinkles on that face these days

I’m not sure Steven Spielberg is in on the reality of the situation yet. When people ask him, “Will there be an Indiana Jones 5?” they’re actually hoping he says no. And it’s not even like they’re secretly hoping he says no, they’re completely hoping he says no. They probably would be dejected if he said yes. But he keeps going with all the, “You know, maybe, if we can get everyone together on a script and work out everyone’s schedule,” bullcrap that no one wants to hear. He’s probably immensely flattered that people keep wanting to talk about it, and his head is too big to realize that people don’t want their memories of Indy ruined any worse than they already were by Crystal Skull. So don’t make it. Please.

MAJOR, MAJOR SPOILERS COMING, IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN RINGER YET AND YOU WANT TO, DON’T READ THIS. THEN AGAIN, THE SPOILERS ARE SO DUMB, YOU MIGHT AS WELL. BUT I’M ABOUT TO GIVE AWAY THE ENDING. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

ringer could be way better. it just isn't.

ringer could be way better. it just isn't.

RINGER (9 p.m. Tuesdays, the CW): There is the optimistic and pessimistic ways to look at Ringer before it started. The optimistic view says it’s beloved TV action actress Sarah Michelle Gellar’s return to TV on the (kinda) network that made her famous in a show that might as well be tailor-made for the CW. Then there’s the pessimistic cynical view that says Gellar finally needed a paycheck and took the first job offered to her on a show that was rejected by CBS and shipped to sister network the CW out of desperation because the network didn’t have any other decent choices for a show because it’s only allowed to make Kevin Williamson work 20 hours a day for six days a week (the show creator already has Vampire Diaries and Secret Circle on Thursdays). For a change, I took the positive view. And now I’m regretting it. Ringer is a slapdash of nonsensical writing, poor acting and the most obvious twist ending since The Village. I’m dying to give it away because it’s so stupid and obvious, but I’ll let it go. Just trust me, it’s dumb. And it’s not even the dumbest part! Not by a longshot! So SMG plays a double role of twin sisters. Bad, druggie twin is in trouble, good (kinda) twin ends up killing herself (maybe, SHHHHH!!!) so bad twin comes up with the brilliant idea of assuming her identity to stave off her own problems. This can’t lose, right? Right. I was willing to excuse the ridiculous premise and just go for the ride, and let a lot go in the first half-hour. Then comes the most insulting part of the show. Bad druggie twin, now in her sister’s world, gets a call on her sister’s phone telling her she’s 4 weeks pregnant. Obviously, bad twin isn’t really pregnant. So instead of just blowing off the call and keeping it a secret since no one would ever find out anyway, bad twin TELLS EVERYONE!!! Her new fake husband, her best friend, the man good twin was having an affair with — EVERYONE!!! WHY??? How could it remotely help her in any way? Was she worried this whole stealing-a-life thing was going too well and she had to Triple Lindy the whole situation by doing something crazy but unnecessary? What makes it worse is this pilot has been sitting around since at least May. Didn’t anyone have these questions before? When I write something I think might cause a problem with someone — which is invariably— I can’t sleep. I fear the fallout of the next day when my voicemail light will be blinking and my inbox will be full of messages starting with “idiot” and ending with “die.” Of all the people involved in this show, it is unfathomable to me that they’ve all been able to sleep at night for the last four months knowing, “I can’t believe we kept the baby thing in there. Maybe we should do reshoots …” but they never did. And now they’ve given us the early leader for most disappointing pilot of the new TV season. And you know what? Screw it. Good sis faked her suicide and is living it up in Paris. There. I spoiled it. Average ratings, btw. GRADE: D+

you're going to buy someone's baby? what a marvelous idea!

you're going to buy someone's baby? what a marvelous idea!

PARENTHOOD (10 p.m. Tuesdays, NBC): I’m a casual viewer of Parenthood, nothing more. My wife likes it, so when she’s watching it, it’s like background noise to me. That’s not to say it’s bad in any way. It’s got an enjoyable cast, the stories are real with a big family and it’s somewhat avoided the overplaying of the extreme family drama that sank Brothers and Sisters in its third season. There was a moment in last night’s season premiere that was a good example of how it could have descended into Walkerisms, but stayed on the more realistic Braverman path. Julia told Sarah, calmly and easily, about her half-cocked decision to buy a baby from the coffee cart girl at her office. You can read that sentence again. It’s OK. Anyway, in Walker world, this would have immediately blown up into three show’s worth of infuriating back-and-forth zaniness. On Parenthood, Sarah just busts her sister’s balls with something like, “Good plan!” which is exactly what I would have done to any of my brothers. But just because a story is real doesn’t mean we have to see it on TV. There isn’t always drama in a big family, sometimes it’s pretty peaceful and funny. Big family life is much more like Malcolm in the Middle than Parenthood or Brothers and Sisters. But you can’t make a TV show out of boring life, so you create drama on a weekly basis that probably happens somewhere in the real world. I’ve just never seen it. SEASON PREMIERE GRADE: B-. Oh wait! They made a Friday Night Lights meta joke! That bumps it up a grade. B. Now if they can only make a Wilfred joke since that show’s next-door neighbor Jenna is the Pancake House waitress stalking Crosby. 

Go ahead, now’s your chance to tell me I’m wrong about Ringer.

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