I’m Sorry. This Never Happened Before.

Missed Monday, so let’s hit the links, but we have to do it really, really quickly, I’m in a big rush today. Couple of TV reviews down at the bottom. Bonus blog tomorrow.

hi, i'll be playing chris penn's part. kevin bacon, i presume?

hi, i'll be playing chris penn's part. kevin bacon, i presume?

This is not an endorsement that anyone should go see the new Footloose. Far from it. If Tiffani-Amber Thiessen asked me to go see it with her, I’d have to turn her down. But in case you do want to see the new Footloose, you can travel to New York or Philly and see it for free two weeks before everyone else. Then again, I’d also turn her down if she asked me to come over to her house for the express purpose of watching the first one on Blu-ray or something. It’s just not a good movie. It’s at the same time silly and dumb, and that’s why it still has kitsch. And the soundtrack is 80s awesomeness. If you told me only one album from the 80s could be included in an 80s time capsule to give the year 2035 an idea of what the 80s were all about, the Footloose soundtrack would be on my short list. How can anyone have the creative balls to go from Holding Out for a Hero to Footloose to Let’s Hear It for the Boy on one album, and actually pull it off.

don't kid yourself. this is why the majority of people saw wanted.

don't kid yourself. this is why the majority of people saw wanted.

Still don’t know how they can make a Wanted 2 and think it’s going to make anything near the original. The entire appeal of the original for the 99.99999 percent of the world that never read the comic was Angelina Jolie showing her butt. That’s it. Those people who did see the movie saw her get shot and die. (The movie is four years old. Deal with the spoiler.) So she’s not walking through that door. Morgan Freeman isn’t walking through that door. Larry Bird isn’t walking through that door! The viability of a Wanted 2 rests in the hands of James McAvoy alone. Awesome! Maybe when he shoots at someone he can put his fingers up to his forehead and look like even more of a dork than he did in X-Men.

A couple quick pilot reviews:

i'm remarkably happy that i won't ever have to see the "welcome to terra nova" commercial again

i'm remarkably happy that i won't ever have to see the "welcome to terra nova" commercial again

TERRA NOVA (8 p.m. Mondays, Fox): About an hour into Terra Nova’s two-hour premiere, it dawned on me. “Wait, I haven’t seen any dinosaurs yet, have I?” And no, I hadn’t. The show billed as “The Dinosaur Show” hadn’t shown one dinosaur. Of course Fox is going to play up the dinosaur factor when Steven Spielberg is an executive director! From a marketing standpoint, you can’t go without it. But maybe that’s why they made it a two-hour premiere, because we were sans dinosaurs for the first four. If people watched The Dinosaur Show the first week and found out there were no dinosaurs, probably about 10 people would tune back in the next week. You know what? I didn’t mind at all because the dinosaurs are secondary to the story. Terra Nova is the story of how society starts. It’s a modern-day Lord of the Flies with families instead of kids. It’s the answer to the question, “If the world is going to end and you want to start a new society on the moon, who do you send on the rocket ship?” Once you’re in this new society of Terra Nova, you’re completely cut off from the present day (2129 or something like that) where the world is crippled and dying. The utopia of Terra Nova isn’t necessarily a utopia because you’re dealing with humans and their human issues. That’s where the real battle of Terra Nova will be, between the new Terra Nova world and the rogue group The Sixers (Special guest star next week: Andre Iguodala! Not really though.). It’s a mysterious, intriguing fight that has about a thousand questions and possibilities, all of which I’m ready to watch. Oh, and don’t worry. The dinosaurs showed up and wrecked shop for about 15 minutes. But this show doesn’t need them. It’s gonna be cool when they’re around, but I wouldn’t mind a couple weeks of nothing but Terra Nova and Sixer fights either. Either way, I’m in. GRADE: A-.

and which ones are you two again?

and which ones are you two again?

PAN AM (10 p.m. Sundays, ABC): Vampire Diaries is one of my favorite shows, I make no apologies for that. Sure, I watch in a dark room where nobody can see me watching for fear that I might be turned over to the authorities on charges of being an adult watching a show for teens, but I watch nonetheless. But I can say that if Vampire Diaries threw as many characters at me in the first hour as Pan Am, I would have cut bait in a heartbeat. Vampire Diaries did it much more sneaky-like. It was three weeks into the second season before we started asking, “Wait, who is that guy again???” because we had no idea. But we couldn’t just drop it, because we were already invested. Pan Am? It doesn’t have that kind of clout to just throw a bunch of pretty people at me, all wearing the same uniforms, all talking about basically the same things, all trapped in this little space of a plane, and expect me to keep watching. The show makes no bones about being a primetime soap opera, so I want to be able to just sit and watch it. Now you’re asking me to stay on my toes and try to stay on point with which one of these people is which? Even worse, they threw each character into a bunch of flashbacks where they don’t look anything like their characters while they’re in their uniforms. So we have to try and recognize them all over again. By the time I figured out who is who in each scene, it was over and it was on to the next confusing scene. I don’t feel like doing that on a weekly basis, sorry. Maybe I would have been back if at least one of the many subplots of the pilot was in any way identifiable, but recruitment of flight attendants for British intelligence missions amid the backdrop of yet another ironic early 60s hit song ain’t gonna cut it for me. GRADE: C-.

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