The Avengers Trailer is Here to Make You Apathetic

In the next couple days, I’m planning on doing an all-trailer review blog since the final holiday movie trailers are all out. But there was one I couldn’t help doing today …

The Avengers trailer is here! The Avengers trailer is here! And it’s … kinda boring. Some baddie we never see blows up a New York City street using questionable special effects while a bunch of superheroes gather in a futuristic-looking room and argue. The end. And that futuristic room? It doesn’t look like Avengers headquarters, it looks more like the Danger Room. Was it left over from the X-Men shoot or something? Oh wait, there’s more — the debut of Mark Ruffalo as Hulk/Bruce Banner. I never thought it would be a big deal that they found another new guy to play Hulk, but it is. It’s confusing. Imagine if Harrison Ford played Han Solo in Star Wars, Richard Gere took over in Empire and Dennis Quaid signed on for Jedi. Wouldn’t you be a little confused? Yes, yes you would. And which backstory are they going to use, the one from The Hulk (Eric Bana) or the one from The Incredible Hulk (Ed Norton)? You know what, maybe it’s too early to worry about that. Or the movie. Maybe we should just hang out until the next trailer comes around during the Super Bowl (I’d imagine). That doesn’t mean we can’t react on this trailer. TRAILER GRADE: C-.

not perfect. but not the worst show i've ever seen.

And the body count rises. We’re up to four new network shows that have been canceled now, with How to Be a Gentleman first shifted to Saturdays, and now canceled altogether after just two episodes. I didn’t even get a chance to post my review after watching the first two episodes! Oops. Ya snooze ya lose around here. Anyway, I actually liked it, laugh track and all. And it’s a definite laugh track, it’s not filmed in front of a live studio audience or anything. The bottom line is I think I just find anything that Dave Foley and Ryhs Darby say funny. I’m pretty sure I’d laugh at the two of them on a PBS show reading National Geographic for two hours. That being said, the lines they were given were actually pretty good for a standard CBS sitcom like this. Even Kevin Dillon wasn’t completely horrible — only moderately. The real weak link was creator and star David Hornsby. He’s not a bad comedic actor at all, he always stole the Always Sunny show when he appeared as Cricket. Here’s how I imagine it. He wrote the show one way and demanded to star in it. CBS allowed it, then completely changed the show around and turned Hornsby’s Andrew into someone he didn’t even know anymore. Hornsby didn’t know how to cope, and the character suffered. Something weird had to have happened here. You just can’t get that many funny, talented people into a room and have it not be good. And this was clearly not a sum of the pieces. At the very least, hopefully it gets Foley and Darby back into circulation so they could find some more work.

court's adjourned

Insert your own “I AM THE LAW!!!” joke here as the Judge Dredd remake has become an absolute mess of a production. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the original Judge Dredd the whole way through, I know I’ve never read the comic and I certainly didn’t give two squats about any reboot for the aforementioned reasons. Know what I do like though? A Hollywood soap opera. So to see a director fired, from the outside looking in, is fun to people like me. With any luck, fired director Pete Travis decides to take the low road and say things in interviews like, “I hope that POS movie they’re cutting makes a hundred dollars” or “Sly Stallone is going to look like melon farmer Marlon Brando when this thing comes out.” That’ll be fun.

For those who hate it when Howard Stern is right … look away. The John Gotti biopic is apparently dead, despite a cast that includes John Travolta and Al Pacino and once included Joe Pesci before he decided to sue the producers so that he could take his Oscar and star in Snickers commercials. Apparently all of Pesci’s Home Alone money must have run out. Anyway, when this Gotti movie was getting a new cast member announcement every day, Stern predicted doom, mainly because stuttering John was prominently involved as a producer. That probably should have tipped us all off, actually.

Let’s be real. There’s a good chance your favorite movie from the 80s and even the 90s is going to be remade sooner than later. Right? Right. But maybe we should be allowed a time capsule of movies that can never, ever, ever be remade. Is there any way we can get everyone to agree on five movies? Maybe an Internet poll or something? They’d have to be five timeless classics that still hold up, movies you can safely show your kids and be sure that they won’t see a movie in that genre quite like that ever again. Here are my five, a couple of which appeared on that list I linked to up there:

i don't even wanna know who'd play marty mcfly

BACK TO THE FUTURE: There was no way to know in 1985 that in 2011 this movie would be funnier now than it was then. But it is. It’s not like you can improve the technology, since they made it up then and no one has successfully time traveled yet. So other than putting a iPod docking station in the front seat, the DeLorean remains relevant. Who knew? You could possibly improve on the cheesy Huey Lewis soundtrack, but why bother? No movies have soundtracks anymore.

HOOSIERS: Still the best fake basketball movie ever made, and it could never, ever be duplicated. If they did, it would probably be the Damon Bailey story or something. And yeah, I know I just spoke over the heads of every non-hardcore basketball fan. Sorry. Hoop Dreams is the best real basketball movie ever made, but even that can be remade since the stars in the movie like Chris Webber have already retired from the NBA.

FIELD OF DREAMS: The best baseball movie ever made because it captures what it’s really about — hope.

am i the only one here who can act like a professional blogger?

RESERVOIR DOGS: On the surface, it makes total sense to remake this movie. About 25 people actually saw it in the theater, most video stores wouldn’t even stock it when it came out on tape — yeah, tape — and there is still an air of mystery around it. If you’re not a Quentin Tarantino fan, you probably never looked for this movie, or passed right by its 196,845th airing on IFC. So there is the cult, ardent Tarantino audience that would be curious, and a mass audience of people that never even heard of the original. Cha-ching! But to remake this movie is to remake perfection. Pulp Fiction will probably be remade before Reservoir Dogs, which is just as much of a travesty, but one I’ll be lined up to see on opening night in 2019.

A CHRISTMAS STORY: It’s coming. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it’s coming. And when it does, we need to walk down Cleveland Street with our Red Ryder BB guns and threaten anyone who even thinks of touching one of the most brilliant comedic screenplays ever written. When you look at it logically, it’s DYING for a remake with some 11-year-old Disney star growing up in the 80s wanting a Cabbage Patch Kid or something. A Christmas Story is so popular now because moms and dads watched with their kids in the early 80s, laughed at all the 40s references, then explained to their kids what they all meant. When I watch it with my kids now, how am I going to explain to them what a damper is? Or why the Old Man didn’t just call roadside assistance to change his flat tire? But Hollywood needs to put out Christmas movies every year, and soon, the well is going to run dry. That’s when some snot-nosed punk just out of film school will say in a production meeting, “You know, my parents watch this Christmas Story thing, like, 10 times every Christmas. Maybe we can remake that?” Then he’ll look back down to his phone and update is Facebook status with something like, “just decided to remake xmas story. parents gonna freak. lol” and I will hate that guy forever. It’s the best Christmas movie ever made, and it’s not even close for second place.

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