Don’t Read This Until You’ve Watched Last Night’s Sons of Anarchy. You’ve Been Warned.

Rainy Wednesday links:


RIP Juice. Oops, I mean, SONS OF ANARCHY SPOILER ALERT!!! That’s better. Now, RIP Juice on Sons of Anarchy. Saw this one coming, especially when Kurt Sutter tweeted yesterday, “Juice fans do not miss tonight’s episode.” The real news there is that apparently there were Juice fans. Seeing as a run for senator was pretty much out of the question, not much else made sense other than him figuring out a way to get out of the mess he made. But here’s the question — since when did the Sons despise blacks so much in the first place, enough that it would be grounds to get someone kicked out or even killed? Yeah, we’ve gotten hints the club is somewhat racist, and it certainly seems like each MC in the show is kind of secular, but it doesn’t seem like having a black father you haven’t seen since you were 2 would be reason to go crazy. Maybe the fact that Juice deceived the club for so long is part of the problem — if not the whole problem. But look at him! What kind of ancestry did they think he had? Was there ever a scene when he was prospecting in season 1 where they said, “You know, you don’t exactly look like your family is Mayflower material. What’s up with that?” No! The whole Juice thing this year was pretty ill-conceived and hard to believe, especially since Chibs has a black wife, estranged or otherwise. I know they said last week she was “just an old lady,” but still. Being black never seemed like grounds for dismissal or death. It now puts the club in a pretty weird position, where now we have to assume that they hate everyone that isn’t blond-haired and blue-eyed. Isn’t that what they fought against in season 2, and continually said how much it disgusted them? Doesn’t pass the smell test. But other than that, SOA has done everything this year to correct the problems I had with it last year and I’m back on board with both feet. Good then that it will be back next year, not like there was any doubt it would be back.

he agrees to do the movie only if all evidence of this picture is destroyed

For every Footloose — an 80s movie that shouldn’t be remade — there is a movie like Short Circuit, that is clearly due for a upgrade. Saw it in the theater and thought it was the funniest thing ever when I was 10. But there’s a reason it’s not on G4 every other weekend like other 80s tech-y staples like Real Genius or Batman — it’s a bad movie. Unwatchably bad. If you tried to watch this now, you’d drive yourself bonkers trying to remember why you liked it so much the first time around. Seriously, try it. I dare you. The only watchable part is Fisher Stevens. I vividly remember getting in a near fist fight when someone tried to convince me the foreign guy in Short Circuit was the same guy who played Vinny Latello in My Science Project. Yeah, that’s right, I just went all My Science Project on ya. Please note the story makes no reference to trying to bring back Steve Guttenberg or Ally Sheedy. There’s a reason for that. Although it would probably be worth it so that Stevens can once again say, “Newton Crosby, Ph.D.”

you only get so many chances in life to get in-her-prime catherine bach in spandex. so when you get the chance, you take it.

Did someone say remake? Then there must be another 80s movie/TV show about to be remade, right? Right! Cannonball Run holds up surprisingly well for being such a shatty movie. Geez, even Cannonball Run 2 is decent! But yeah, it could probably use an upgrade or two, since the coolest technology in the movie is Jackie Chan playing Pac-Man — crappy Atari 2600 Pac-Man, no less — in his car. Approved. Now let’s all wait anxiously for Burt Reynolds to give his seal of approval on the remake. Maybe he’s waiting until the sure-to-be-coming Smokey and the Bandit reboot to be announced so he can blanketly give his blessing to both.

Yeesh. Talk about not being welcome. CBS has decided to pull How to Be a Gentleman from its Saturday schedule too. So it’s eating the cost of producing a bunch more episodes instead of airing them. there are probably about six more in the can, but we’ll never see them. In other words, CBS said the money they spent making the episodes, paid the actors and the crew and marketed the show was less than the money they were losing leaving it on the air. Ouch. On a related note, Dave Foley tweeted yesterday, “I’m back on the road,thank you failure.I’ll be standup comediating this weekend in Chicago.” This man needs a new sitcom, stat. Is he too young to be the crazy dad in something? Just in case you were feeling bad, for good ol’ Dave, feel better. His comedic resume is better than 99.9 percent of anyone who acted in the 90s.

What, we’re still doing to Occupy Wall Street thing? Wasn’t that, like, last week or something? Oops, I forgot the hashtag, sorry, #OccupyWallStreet. Anyway, it’s good that someone is putting the protest to good use. And who better to put it to good use than Christopher Nolan, who was going to pay something like $300 a day to 1,000 people to sit in the background and scream about something or another. Now? He’s just going to film the scenes he was going to film with #OccupyWallStreet people in the background. Take notice, Michael Bay. You don’t have to spend a zillion dollars to make something look real. You can just, you know, film it like it’s real.

Speaking of that, no one should cry poor because they can’t make a movie for $215 million. So eff off, Jerry Bruckheimer. You played hardball with Disney, thought you had a blank check to make any movie wanted to, despite giving them The Socerer’s Apprentice (budget: $150 million, domestic gross: $63 million) and Prince of Persia (budget: $200 million, domestic gross: $91 million) last year. So when you go to a company and tell them, “I need $260 million of your money to make this movie,” Don’t be surprised when they slam the door in your face and laugh while they’re doing it. He should be kissing their feet when they give him $215 million to make a movie where Johnny Depp is getting second billing to a guy known only for playing a whiny set of twins.

New rule. Any list of evil movie laughs that doesn’t include Mr. Burns should be ignored in any and every way. Except when I like to it to prove that Mr. Burns somehow isn’t on there. I know it’s supposed to be movie laughs, but Vincent Price in Thriller and a Batman cartoon made it — so why can’t Mr. Burns make it? He must have done his evil laugh in the movie at some point, right?

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