Scary Movies That Aren’t Supposed to be Scary

Hey everyone, don’t forget to enter for the free movie passes! It’s for the Cinemark Stroud Mall grand VIP theater opening a week from today. All the rules are here.

free tickets!

And really, try to follow those rules, K? I am shocked at how many people can’t follow simple directions. Next time I do a contest, part of the rules will be if you can’t follow directions, I’m deleting your entry. It’s not hard, guys. When I ask for contact information, you know, I actually need contact information! Please don’t assume just because I have your email or Facebook account that I can get in touch with you that way. It’s much easier for me to do over the phone. Because there is a such a quick turnaround as to when these need to be delivered, email may not always reach the winner in time. Then I have to go right to the next person.

So really, get me your contact info when you enter, please.

This kinda came out of nowhere, I wasn’t planning on posting today. This was supposed to be a week off from doing the Sunday column thing, but we had a minor crisis and I had to write one. So I thought I’d post what will be in the paper Sunday. There are only a couple links on it though, sorry, I don’t have time. Here it is anyway:

Movies don’t scare me very easily. When they do, it usually takes more than a guy with a mask and a machete.

Real life is what scares me. So when I’m thinking about sitting down for a scary movie this weekend, you can have Freddy, Jason or Leatherface.

I’ll be more than happy checking out any of these movies that are scarier than all the Saw movies put together:

THE GODFATHER

sorry kay. you're not allowed in mike's room.

You know all the people that saw Jaws and never went back in the ocean because they thought they would automatically be eaten by a great white shark? Well I’ve driven through hundreds of toll booths in my life. And I still always, always, always worry if there are a bunch of people with Tommy guns about to pop up from the collection booth and spend about 15 seconds turning my car and me into Swiss cheese. Even with E-ZPass! If I sleep in satin sheets, I’m convinced I’ll wake up with a severed horse head next to me. I don’t walk around open-air fruit markets on the street, either. Is that enough? Should … should I go on?

ANY OF THE HARRY POTTER MOVIES

Every single one of them has at least one completely terrifying scene, and 2005’s Goblet of Fire is probably the No. 1 scariest movie of my adult life. Yeah, scarier than Blair Witch, The Ring, Paranormal Activity or any of the silly torture porn movies. Goblet of Fire is the only movie I’ve watched since I was, like, 15 that actually gave me nightmares. And I was 31 when I saw it on HBO in 2006! Then I was embarrassed to admit it the next night out with buddies. “Umm, guys, no, I can’t go down that dark alley to get to the next bar. I’m taking the long way … Why? Oh, umm, because … because … because I just watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire yesterday and it really freaked me out, OK?!?!?! Geez, what’s with the third degree?”

KIDS

I’ve seen Rosemary’s Baby, both versions of The Omen and even the horror known as Look Who’s Talking. But when I rented 1995’s Kids, it was the only movie to make me say, “You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t have children.” Yup, 90 minutes of Telly, Ruby, Casper and Jenny will do that to a person.

WALL STREET

On the first day of business school, they should just get all the MBA candidates in a room and show them this movie. After it’s over, the dean should tell them, “That movie represents the next 35 years of your life. If that doesn’t interest you, there’s the door.” There would be a stampede for the exits so big and fast it would look like the aftermath of an English soccer riot.

JFK

yes, jim, we agree. let justice be done or the heavens fall.

OK, so Oliver Stone (who also directed Wall Street) is pretty good at making real life crazy scary. In 1991’s JFK, Stone makes the “Your government is knowingly, intentionally, maliciously, arrogantly and terrifyingly trying to deceive you” argument so clear and compelling that you start to believe the Occupy Wall Street people have it wrong. They should start the Occupy the National Archives movement to get the remaining supporting information from the Warren Commission Report released.

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