Time to Decide on the New Shows

Bonus big blog today, gotta clear some stuff out today I’ve been meaning to get to:

they're never gonna let this poor guy kick some sixer butt, are they?

My theory has always been that you need to give a new TV show at least four episodes before you can comfortably say, “This sucks.” My three proudest, most recent “stick with it” shows — Mad Men, 30 Rock and Community. Mad Men, especially, if I gave up on it after the third episode like I planned to, my life would have a gaping hole in it now. Seriously. But it’s about that time in the TV season when you can start giving thumbs up or down on the new shows you started watching this season. I’m sticking with three shows — American Horror Story (more on that later), New Girl and Once Upon a Time. Up All Night has become a total OnDemand-only-if-I-have-time show because I find Maya Rudolph positively insufferable on that show. I’m of the opinion that she hasn’t said one funny thing since the show started. My 3-month-old decided to wake me up at 3:30 the last couple nights to eat. That allowed me to clear out the DVR, and when I had an extra 20 minutes to kill, I ironically watched Up All Night. That’s the only way I see myself watching Up All Night in the future — if I’m up all night. Terra Nova is way more of a procedural than I ever thought it would be and I don’t find anyone in it interesting enough to keep watching. So I’m out too. If I get time, maybe OnDemand.

Sooner or later, someone needed to challenge the whole purpose of the NC-17 rating. I can’t give you one good reason why it’s such a problem. Every arthouse movie I’ve ever been in the theater for — and it’s gotta be around 100 at this point — I’ve been the youngest person in the theater every single time. Every. Single. Time. So why does anyone care if those kinds of movies get NC-17 ratings? I didn’t see any 14-year-olds sneaking in to Blue Valentine last year. There wasn’t one person under the legal driving age that walked up to the ticket booth last year and said, “One for Black Swan, please.” Only adults see those movies anyway. So what’s the big deal with an adults-only rating? The kids can watch Fast and the Furious. I’ll stick with movies that actually attempt to stimulate my brain.

mock! yeah! ing! yeah! bird! yeah!

Eleven years ago, a Dumb and Dumber sequel might have been the best sequel idea since someone pondered, “How come no one ever made a Rad 2?” Jim Carrey was coming off the Liar, Liar/Truman Show/Man in the Moon back-to-back-to-back that is in the discussion as one of the best three-year acting runs of movies in this generation. The Farrelly Brothers just finished the trifecta of Dumb and Dumber/Kingpin/Something About Mary which is the best three-movie comedy run in film history. Jeff Daniels was still breathing, so that was nice. Instead, Carrey and the Farrellys teamed for the mistake known as Me, Myself and Irene in 2000 and went their separate ways. The Farrellys haven’t had anything nearly as funny as they did in the 90s, and Carrey hasn’t had a comedy hit since Burce Almighty in 2003. So now it just doesn’t seem very interesting at all. Well, it still does. But not with nearly the magnitude and importance it would have had in 2000.

look, right there. those are all the people who know we have no credibility anymore.

Oh, don’t you worry about it, Steven Spielberg. We sure will blame George Lucas for the clusterfrigg that was Crystal Skull. But don’t think that means you’re safe, either. This just makes you look like more of a wuss, cow-towing to George Lucas at every possible chance. Since when are the writers of a movie more powerful than the directors? Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? And when Team Indy — Spielberg, Lucas and Harrison Ford — were coming up with an idea for Indy 4, they were adamant that they wouldn’t go ahead with any plan unless all three were all on the same page. So Spielberg and Ford had plenty of lead time to say, “Umm, George? About these aliens? We think it’s the dumbest idea in movie history and you’re probably going to torpedo the franchise if we do it, soooooo we’re not gonna do it. And screw you if you don’t like it.” The end. Not only do I now think Steven Spielberg is a spineless wuss, I also think he completely sold out and went through the motions of making Indy 4. Congrats.

HitFix is doing a pretty good job of setting up its landing page for movies in Oscar contention. You can easily browse each category, with 30 contenders in each category. Bing, bang, boom, now you have your required viewing for the next four months. (Yup, less than four months to the Academy Awards.) My list is pretty pathetic right now, since of the 30 movies it has listed as best pic candidates, I’ve only seen Moneyball. Oops. Got some movie-watchin’ to do, though I’ve finally blown through my summer comic book movies (Thor, Captain America and Green Lantern) none of which I liked very much and all of which bordered on pretty silly. I may be burned out on comic book movies. The appeal seems to be gone.

As someone who’s fallen victim to a major TV spoiler in the last couple years — that Rita died at the end of Dexter’s fourth season before I could watch it — I think I can safely say I completely agree that spoilers are now part of the Internet, and we’re all just gonna have to deal with it. There aren’t many people on the planet who troll the Internet for news about their favorite TV shows more than me. I also DVR a ton of stuff and have times where I don’t get to it for a week. So I’m susceptible to spoilers — but I also know enough to stay the heck away from them. If you haven’t seen a show yet, don’t go to its fansite or its IMDB message board. And yeah, don’t go on Twitter, either. I know that’s a little harsh, but if it’s that big a deal to you, stay off it. If you don’t like it, start your own spoiler-free social media site and see how that goes for you. I’ve also been known to check out Twitter after a major plot twist in a show to see what people think of it (did it for the second-to-last Rescue Me episode over the summer), and I like the conversations that go on. We shouldn’t have to log in with a 10-digit code, walk through 20 doors like in Get Smart and submit to retinal scans just to talk about how awesome it was when Gus got blown up on Breaking Bad. Yeah, that’s right. I just gave away the ending to this season’s Breaking Bad. Deal.

i know it seems unfathomable, but i have trouble believing this guy

The walking trauma patient that is Mickey Rourke is quite the specimen. In one sentence, he can say how appreciative he is of the opportunity to be back in Hollywood’s elite list of actors, going into great detail about how humiliating and demeaning it was being out of the Hollywood Circle of Trust. So you think, “Hey, this guy’s got his life back together!” Then you keep reading. And when he’s asked about reprising his role of Marv for Sin City 2 — only the movie that provided the big break for him to get back into Hollywood — he basically says, “Start the bidding for my services because makeup annoys me and it makes my eyes hurt.” Then he decides to call out Marvel studios, which so far has churned out nothing but hits, because he didn’t get his way for his 30 minutes of screen time in Iron Man 2. Mickey Rourke, ladies and gentleman.

Wanna hear something weird? I loved American Pie. I think it’s one of the funniest movies of the last 15 years and I’ll watch it anytime it’s on. It’s probably the closest representation I’ve seen of being in high school in the 90s. But to this day, I haven’t seen either of the sequels the full way through and have no desire to. The real sequels, not that Band Camp or Naked Mile BS. I’ve seen most of American Pie 2 broken up into about 15 different parts, but have never seen one second of American Wedding. I’m still not sure why. Which is why it’s completely baffling as to why I’m interested in American Reunion next Easter. Maybe it’s because the entire cast is back, but was I really holding out on seeing the sequels because Tara Reid wasn’t prominently involved (no, that was a joke)? Or because Chris Weitz wasn’t directing the future installments (no, but getting warmer)? I still don’t know. But for some reason, I’m looking forward to putting American Reunion at the top of my queue when it comes to DVD in July 2012. Yeah, after the full trailer, there really isn’t anything there to get me to the theater. I want to see the guys do the same things 13 years after their senior year, I do. I’m just not spending $10 a pop to do it.

it's safe to watch now. not at night, in a creepy house all by yourself "safe" but safe nonetheless

If you were worried about how safe it is to get sucked into American Horror Story — which is pretty easy to do — there is good news on two fronts. First, DirecTV and Fox figured out a deal where rich people got richer while your satellite rates surely will go up. Seems fair, right? Second, FX has renewed the show for a second season. I’m all in with AHS. I’m trying to figure out every twist, every secret, every little allusion to anything in the show. All I’ve come up with so far is that anyone who dies on the property of the murder house doesn’t really die. Right? I think that’s right. I’m saying that’s right. Everything else? No clue. I need to know who The Gimp is, a reasonable explanation of why the men keep seeing the maid as a younger woman and if Jessica Lange is really dead or not. After that I have about 547 other questions, but those are the three big ones.

A couple people have asked for some kind of opinion on the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce. This will be my only mention of the matter at all — I could care less. It’s amazing to me that so many people do care. to me, Humphries will always be the guy who left two years too early from Minnesota. That is all.

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