Underworld, Steven Tyler, Movie Monologues and More, More More

Pats only giving three is a gift. Take it now and tune the next two weeks out. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.

Video-heavy links:

ok, i'll give you this as a good reason to be a fan of the underworld movies

If you went to a big high school, people who went to small high schools are always shocked to hear you say, “I graduated with her, but I’m pretty sure we never said one word to each other.” The explanation is always that “We hung out in different groups.” That’s kinda how I feel about the latest Underworld movie making $25 million this weekend. “We hang out in different groups.” My brother Mark is a big Kate Beckinsale fan, so I just emailed him if he ever saw one. His response was something like “I think I watched part of one on TNT once just because she was running around in that leather outfit.” Wait, I just thought of someone. Let’s hit the text board … and yeah, my buddy Stan says he considers himself a fan of the franchise and plans to see the fourth one, albeit not in the theater. Shoot. I thought I was in the clear. But I had to go completely through my cell phone contacts, yet they just made a fourth one and it led the box office weekend. Tanks for nuttin’, America. Underworld 5, coming to a theater near you. And let’s hope George Lucas sticks with his promise to retire from making blockbusters since Red Tails did much better than anyone predicted.

When random websites come out with movie/TV lists, I’m always interested. That’s probably why people keep coming out with these lists. Usually, when I see the title, one possible entrant on the list gets stuck in my head and I scan the story for that entry. If it’s not there, the list is a failure. If it’s there, the list is cool. Somehow, this list of the best movie monologues fell somewhere in between. The ones that are there are pretty good, with some good ones I would never have thought of (Hugo Weaving in Martix, Heath Ledger in Dark Night, Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream). but it’s missing some of my favorites:

and let's not forget one of the best lines of a sports movie: "strikeouts are boring, and besides that, they're fascist. throw some groundballs, be more democratic."

1. Kevin Costner’s “These are a few of my favorite things” speech in Bull Durham. This is the one I was looking for on the list. When you see it on paper, it looks like a forced, contrite look into the mind of an opinionated loser. But Costner is just so freakin’ cool when he does it that he gives it life. Every woman who saw that did the same thing Susan Sarandon did after she heard it. “Oh my.”

2. Mr. Orange’s commode story in Reservior Dogs. Probably not a true monologue, but hey look everyone, I’ve managed to figure out a way to get a Quentin Tarantino movie on a list! Movie monologues had been done the same way for 50 years with very little variation. It was a guy talking into a camera. Quentin decided to turn it on its butt and put some thought into it to come up with a scene, not just a monologue. I can also mention the Superman/Clark Kent speech in Kill Bill Vol. 2 for another Quentin monologue of awesomeness.

3. Rocky’s “Everybody can change” speech at the end of Rocky 4. The cheesiest monologue ever, ever, ever, but how many other movie monologues have actually ended wars? Going right from the speech to the credits and hearing “Hearts on firrrrrreeeeee … strong desirrrrreeee …” makes that speech in even more special. The funniest part of the whole thing is Rocky made this coherent, heart-tugging speech while his face looked like chop suey and then went in to the locker room and succumbed to irreversible brain damage. Or so the movie timeline would have us believe.

4. Jack Nicholson’s “you can’t handle the truth” scene in A Few Good Men. It holds a special place in my heart. Two buddies of mine in college got busted by our school’s public safety department for carrying a funnel on the street during our annual outdoor drinking day. Which was pretty preposterous. One of those guys decided to make his own version of the Nicholson speech tailored to his situation and hearing him do it remains one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. I laugh whenever I think about. I just laughed right now. Everytime we get together, we tell him he needs to record it on YouTube so we can preserve it forever. Then we get drunk and forget and now it’s probably too late since I remember it more than he does at this point.“Did you do a funnel?” “I drank beer …” “Did you do a funnel?” “YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!!”

5. James Earl Jones’ “people will come” in Field of Dreams. Another college memory because I used it to intro my thesis presentation. I still watch Field of Dreams every year on or around opening day to remember why baseball kicks butt. James Earl Jones convinces me.

Another list to comment on! I’m a huge fan of movie music, and I love any list of the best movie music moments. This one has some of the my necessary ones to hit (Bohemian Rhapsody in Wayne’s World, Tiny Dancer in Almost Famous, Stuck in the Middle with You in Reservoir Dogs), but then it tries to go all pretentious on us and it picks the second or third best movie moments from some movies!!! Yes, you need Royal Tenenbaums on there. But it has to be the Ruby Tuesday scene or the understated instrumental of Hey Jude in the opening introduction of characters. You need a Boogie Nights scene in there, but what about the utter hilarity of You Got the Touch? Or Spill the Wine in the pool party scene? Everyone points to the Sister Christian scene, but it’s just not my favorite. You can be crazy a little like that — I would be — but you have to hit the standbys like this other list did. A combination of both, somehow. I really gotta make the definitive list someday. Feel free to email/comment on what should be included when I do. I just looked and I have a list of about 60 songs saved from the last time I said I would make such a list with about 10 that I never, ever see on any of these kinds of lists even though they should be pretty easy. Maybe that’s the list I’ll do, the Somehow Ignored Movie Music Moments. Good bet for #1:

There’s a decent chance we’re going to lose two PopRox-approved shows this year. Community was stripped from NBC’s winter schedule, and while that’s not an out-and-out sign it’s gone come next season, let’s just say ratings hits don’t get pulled from the schedule at any time of any year. Now we see that Fringe’s Friday ratings are atrocious. They’re embarassing. They can’t continue. Let the posturing begin on both shows, with Fringe up first. It’s obvious that Fringe can’t continue on Fox in its current agreement. Parent company Warner Bros. would have to offer the show to Fox at a deeply, deeply discounted price so that Fox isn’t losing tons of dough just because it’s airing a great show. Warner Bros. could be inclined to do that, since it can possibly make up the lost licensing revenue in syndication rights (Syfy? A&E?). Another year would get it to the magic syndication number of about 100 episodes. Same goes for Community with parent company Sony and its willingness to cut its licensing fee so that it can eek out a fourth season and get to near 100 episodes. But hey, at least we’ll always have the Community board game, right? There should be a space, “Abed’s in charge of the chicken fingers again, move ahead three spaces.”

Looks like Tracy Morgan is OK after collapsing at Sundance over the weekend. Surprised his reps didn’t immediately hit up the diabetes reason/excuse, and instead went with exhaustion and altitude. But that’s why they get paid the big bucks, I guess.

Is it just me, or did Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem the same way he sings every song? It sounded like it would be on Aerosmith’s next album. So why are everyone’s panties in a bunch over how he sang it? Were they expecting him to sing it opera style or something? Don’t blame Tyler, blame whoever had the bright idea to bring him in to sing it. You can’t hire Dane Cook to do a stand-up act then get bent out of shape when you don’t laugh.

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