What to Expect from the Super Bowl if You’re Not Expecting Anything

If you still think the Super Bowl is about football, then Bernie Madoff probably wants to talk to you about some interesting investment opportunities.

The Super Bowl is now about commercials. It’s about parties. It’s about halftime.

And if you get the chance, maybe you can sneak a peek at a touchdown or two.

If you’re one of the millions that think BenJarvus Green-Ellis is a law firm, but you’re still planning on watching the game anyway, here are some things you can watch for to pass the time:

this is not the madonna i choose to remember

What will Madonna’s set list for the halftime show be?

You’re talking about one of the most prolific and active music makers with almost 30 years of a career and 34 top 10 hits to draw from. Yeah, that’s right. Madonna’s been around for 30 years. You’re forgiven if you just checked for gray hair. Halftime acts have about 12 minutes for their shows, so it’s going to be quick and it’s going to be about four songs worth. There have been reports that it will be five songs worth, which means condensed versions of the hits she’ll perform. My dream list — full versions of Borderline, Live to Tell, Don’t Tell Me and Vogue. But that won’t/can’t be the list. Her new Give Me All Your Luvin is the only lock, and the New York Post reported Vogue, Holiday, Ray of Light and Music will be the others. All of them make sense — except Music. Vogue is arguably her most recognizable dance hit across every demographic, Ray of Light is fun and up-tempo and Holiday speaks to the pageantry of the Super Bowl. But Music would be kind of a downer. Hopefully that’s the 30-second song of the set. Since we’re not going to get Borderline at the show, we deserve to get it now.

wear just a bra if you want, but please keep it on. the american media just isn't ready for another nip slip

Will M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj show up for the halftime show?

Yeah, they’ll be there. At least that’s what they say. They’re the collaborators on Give Me All Your Luvin, hand-picked by Madge herself for their strength or something like that. Let’s face it — the chances either of them get to perform their own Super Bowl halftime show in 10 or 20 years are pretty slim. So they should really take this chance while they have it. What kind of instructions do you think Minaj will be given against a purposeful nip-slip?

What will be the best movie trailer?

They’re not really trailers since they’re only 30 seconds. That’s about enough time to get in, make us laugh, make us excited, and get out. Some of the summer’s biggest movies — Amazing Spider-Man, Dark Knight Rises — aren’t on the list of movie trailers that will be shown. But we will get new trailers for the G.I. Joe sequel, Avengers, The Dictator and a few others.

swing and a miss.

There has to be a better commercial than the Ferris Bueller one, right? Umm, right?

The Ferris Bueller Honda commercial was a bunch of people slipping on the Bad Idea Jeans. For years, half the movie’s millions of fans have been clamoring for a sequel. The other half begged for the character to be untouched so that the movie stands on its own forever. Those are also the fans that have gone to great lengths to erase the memory of the horribly failed television show based on the movie. Some of them are still in hypnotic trances because of it (magic phrase to snap them out of it: “voodoo economics”). To wait 26 years to revisit the character and try to cram it all into two minutes … it kills both halves of the fan base. The one half gets a disappointing quasi-sequel, the other half watches Matthew Broderick take the money and run over their childhood memories. Classic lose-lose situation. Jerry Seinfeld and Rainn Wilson are starring in some other commercials that have promise.

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