So maybe it wasn’t the most exciting Oscars. Or the funniest. Or the most satisfying. But at least the people involved knew that, and some of the biggest Hollywood news makers took advantage of the opportunity to draw undue attention to themselves so that we had something to talk about today. Sweet.
Sacha Baron Cohen dumps ashes on Ryan Seacrest: We’re looking at this the wrong way. All everyone is talking about is how much of an a-hole Cohen is for dumping the ashes of a former scourge on society all over Seacrest. It was completely self-serving, a stunt to publicize his movie. But it was also genius. Hollywood studios spend tens of millions of dollars on marketing their movies — Cohen just gave his movie instant recognition all over the world for free. It was the #1 search on Google trends Monday morning, beating out J-Lo, Stacy Keibler and Emma Stone (Jolie didn’t even place in the top 20). But forget about that. What we should be talking about is how this is a win for everyone who has always wanted to dump something on Ryan Seacrest! We all have, right? We’ve all had twisted dreams about what we can dump on the Luckiest Man in the World if we ever had the opportunity? Ashes, water, green slime, an anvil, a piano, boiling hot tar … too far? Anyway, Cohen had the opportunity, and he did exactly what most of have always wanted to do — dump the ashes of a former world leader on Ryan Seacrest’s lapel. We should be thanking him for living our dream, not for making a farce of what already is a farce of hysterical proportions, the red carpet. My favorite part of the video is the two models he had as uniformed bodyguards and their, “We didn’t sign up for this” look on their faces.
J-Lo’s supposed areola slip: First of all, it’s time to retire “wardrobe malfunction.” Please. It sounds 50,000 times dumber than it did the first time around. I have no idea what else to call it, but wardrobe malfunction needs to go away. OK? OK. And J-Lo’s dress issues wasn’t a nip slip either. If it’s anything, it’s an areola slip. The designer came out and said it’s an optical illusion, that it’s supposed to look that way. Well how come it didn’t look that way on the red carpet? It also shouldn’t be described as a “slip.” Nothing is a slip. Everything is Hollywood is planned. J-Lo — just like Cohen — took advantage of a dull Oscars to make sure she got some attention. Her movies certainly aren’t doing it. This was calculated and planned. Especially if it really is an optical illusion, then the dress is designed to look that way. Debate all you want over whether it was part of her boob or not. That’s exactly what she was hoping you’d do. Don’t be surprised if American Idol ratings jump on Wednesday.
Angelina Jolie’s leg: Fight over J-Lo’s boob and whether it was planned. At least there’s a quasi-argument there. But Jolie further alienated herself among womenkind by basically throwing her leg out for the world to gawk at it. And she meant to do it. Right now, there are thousands of women talking about how much more they hate her now than they did when she stole Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston. Women don’t like those kinds of flashy shenanigans, from what I understand. Which means that consequently, men don’t like them. Because of Jolie, there were hundreds of men in the audience who got elbowed in the stomach by their wives when they spent just a bit too long with their jaws on the ground. Take a note, men. The only correct response to that situation is to immediately — and I mean immediately, like, the day before -- say what a slut she is for showing that much. You don’t have to believe it, just do it. It will save you a night of listening to little digs like, “Wait, you’re coming home with me? I thought you were getting a ride with the hussy?” and “Oh, I’m sorry, maybe if I was showing a little more leg you would have talked to me more tonight” and so on. Nightmare scenario.
Really surprised the TV ratings were as good as they were. I thought for sure this year’s telecast would have been doomed just on the lack of buzz alone since there wasn’t a blockbuster movie nominated and Billy Crystal was the host. That was bad enough all by itself. But then you had a very good NBA All-Star Game competing with it as well as a new episode of cable ratings behemoth Walking Dead (which is what I watched, btw). Bad news -- now Billy Crystal overcame a lot of outside factors and could be back again to host next year. Fan-freakin’-tastic.
Saw a bunch of movie theaters offering 2-for-1 Oscar movies yesterday, but I’d personally wet myself for an Adam Sandler Razzie Marathon before the Razzies on April 1. Can you imagine sitting in a theater for five hours watching Just Go with it, Bucky Larson and Jack and Jill? I’m pretty sure that’s on the brochure for Hell. “This is what you’ll be doing when you get here!” It should be some kind of contest. If you can sit through all three of those, then you get some kind of award. A DVD of Bulletproof, maybe. The viewing party should also include mandatory, snide laughs from the audience so that people can’t hear the movies. If anyone can put something like that together around here, I’ll host it. No one would show up because there aren’t many other people as sadistically cynical as me, but I still think it would be hysterical. The first question of the post-marathon Q&A — “You just watched three movies deemed ‘comedies.’ A lot of people were laughing. But did anyone laugh for real?” My prediction would be no.
There actually were other movies this weekend — though you might not know it from the list of stuff that opened on past Oscar weekends. A pretty bland February ended mercifully with Act of Valor having a big weekend, but with Aniston, Paul Rudd and Judd Apatow getting slammed down with Wanderlust and Amanda Seyfried b-o-m-b bombing with Gone. Too bad Rudd got caught up in the Wanderlust wake, but Aniston and Apatow have been heading this way for years. Apatow got a reprieve when he got attached to Bridesmaids, but it’s been going downhill for a while with him. I’d be fine if both of them just went away.
Stroudsburg ex-pat Danny Chun is making quite the name for himself out there in Hollywood. The head writer at The Office will soon be the former head writer at The Office because he’s moving on to ABC, where he just signed a two-year development deal with the network to make new sitcoms. We’re losing our resident Office gossip, but we’re gaining a show-running developer. Some Pocono congrats are in order. May all his time slots be post-Modern Family time slots.
Two minor show cancellations I never got to from last week. Spike dumped Blue Mountain State, the raunch fest look at college football and MTV axed Good Vibes. Both of them were pretty hard to watch, not that funny, and generally not that good. They probably won’t be missed that much, if at all. But dumping Good Vibes has a bigger ripple effect since the future of the show it was attached to — Beavis and Butthead — certainly would be of interest. MTV hasn’t said what it is doing with B&B, which might not have been the funniest thing on TV last year and might not have been as good as we remember it being, but it was still really, really funny. There were at least three or four quotable lines every week. Even though I make it a life rule to avoid Jersey Shore, Beavis and Butthead made it funny. I almost wanted to watch it because of them. Almost. And yet, I still probably wouldn’t be that cheesed off if MTV canceled B&B. I had my extra year, it was awesome sauce. But I’ll be able to move on in my life if it’s gone.