The Inevitability of John Carter’s Demise

Happy Monday! Programming note that I’ll be assembling a list of all the bar specials Saturday (for St. Patrick’s Day) and Sunday (for Stroudsburg’s version of Parade Day) so if you have something you want to get in, make sure you get it to me through a Facebook invite or by emailing it to me. I’ll put everything I get into Friday’s blog post.

Monday links:

All that was left was the results, and John Carter came in where everyone predicted it would — as a disappointment. Not a bomb, because a $100 million worldwide total can’t be a bomb. But it’s not good to open a $250 million movie into second place in any weekend, against any movie. That’s what happened to John Carter, with The Lorax, in its second week, no less, coming in first. That’s just embarrassing for Disney, another notch in the already storied history of the movie’s troubled production.

what have you done for me lately eddie

But don’t worry — just because we can’t call John Carter a bomb doesn’t mean we can’t call A Thousand  Words one. Piss-poor reviews? Check! It managed a zero on Rotten Tomatoes. Awful history? Check! This movie was actually made four years ago but shelved until now for seemingly no reason. Until we found out the reason was because it sucks. Terrible box office? Check and mate! It came in sixth place with just over $6 million. And we put another nail until the Eddie Murphy coffin. In the past decade, he’s made exactly two movies that got decent reviews — Dreamgirls and Tower Heist. He followed up Dreamgirls with the unspeakably bad Norbit and has now follower Tower Heist with A Thousand Words. At least the timing of A Thousand Words isn’t necessarily his fault since it’s been on the shelf since 2008. But it was his fault that he made the movie in the first place. We can officially go back to not trusting a thing Eddie Murphy does.

Whether John Carter is a bomb or not, the question now is how much will Taylor Kitsch suffer because of it? The guy has probably been sitting on pins and needles for the last year knowing the rest of life will be dictated by the next three months when this, Battleship and Savages come out. It looks like the opinion is he’s going to skate away unscathed by whatever happens to John Carter, so now he’s got to wait a couple more months for the true litmus test of Battleship is unleashed on the world. If you thought John Carter was a tough movie to market, wait til you see Battleship. How do you plug a movie based on a board game that has NOTHING to do with the game? How do you possibly go from “a naval game about sinking ships in the ocean” to “fighting aliens in the ocean”? Is it because they’re both in the ocean? Good luck with that.

Last year was my nightmare scenario for best picture candidates with some of my least favorite writers and directors up for the biggest awards. Yeah, that ends this year. My three favorite writer-diretors (Quentin, Paul Thomas Anderson, Wes Anderson) will be putting movies out and my next tier (Christopher Nolan, the Coens, Alfonso Cuaron, Ben Affleck) is well represented too. C’mon Darren Aronofsky and Kevin Smith, step up and get something out this year! Potentially a really, really good year for movies.

assembling for a sequel? no way!

Wait, hasn’t this already been done, a marathon of all the Marvel Avengers-world movies? It has, actually. It’s called FX. They do it every weekend! But if you wanna go and check them out, all in a row, you have a chance to do it on May 3 at select AMC theaters around the country. Of course there are no AMC theaters immediately around the Poconos, but there is some good news. One of the theaters that definitely will be getting the marathon is in Paramus, N.J. — which isn’t terribly far from Stroudsburg. You can probably get there in about 45 minutes it’s a pretty easy drive. There are two more AMC theaters around here that are closer, one in Rockaway, N.J., and another in Allentown. We’ll find out March 16 if either of them are getting the marathon.

Shhhhh! Here’s a secret tip for you. Ready? OK. Now keep this under your hats, but there is a good chance there will be an Avengers sequel. I know! Crazy, right? Just don’t let too many people know about it. Anyway, on that off chance there will be an Avenagers sequel, Joss Whedon is already brainstorming ideas. And I’m sure everyone over at Disney looooovvvvveeeessss the idea of going smaller in the second installment. It’s always the logical way to make an action sequel that audiences want to line up for. “Come see the sequel, it’s smaller than the original!”

Who needs more Alex Winter? You do? Then you are in luck my friend! We waited for days to hear from him on his thoughts on the possible Bill and Ted 3 movie, and we finally got it! Rejoice! And when he broke his silence, he said … nothing, basically. Expect to ruin the mood with deep thoughts about the music industry instead of just saying things like “dude” and “no way!”

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