Which Seinfeld Girlfriend(s) Had Bad Breath?

This is probably my most favoritest guessing game since someone asked me “Guess which Saved by the Bell chick is going to be in a Paul Verhoeven movie about strippers and Vegas dancers?”

best. game. ever.

When Jerry Seinfeld was on Watch What Happens Live on Bravo this week, Andy Cohen asked which Seinfeld actor had the worst breath. Instead of just saying “Jason Alexander, no doubt” like we all would have expected him to, he decided to throw every hot chick his character dated under the bus. Listen up on the link, because it won’t embed for some reason.

All the media outlets that wrote about this are concentrating on how he said that crappy episode from the third season is his least favorite episode. Or the Seinfeld Curse. Who cares? Maybe if he said The Contest was his least favorite episode, then you’d have something. The bad breath thing is far more interesting.

In case you’re looking for a refresher, Jerry’s list of girlfriends on the show is probably the hottest list of just-under-the-radar actresses we’ve ever seen outside of a Playboy Mansion pajama party. It’s incredible. There’s never been a joint list of TV hotness like Jerry’s girlfriends, so it’s pretty funny to think that one or more of them had stink breath. So why not take a quick look at Jerry’s girlfriends — the somewhat famous ones, at least — and we’ll see if we can’t figure out which ones had bad breath. They’re ranked by my judge of their hotness, not by the probability of bad breath:

1. Susan Walters. Played Dolores, the girl whose name Jerry can’t remember. My #1 Seinfeld girlfriend thanks to the TV show Dear John where she was arguably the hottest girl on TV at the time. She’s fallen off a cliff as Mayor Lockwood on Vampire Diaries, but you can tell she’s still got it. BAD BREATH ODDS: 2-1. I can’t prove it with a link, but I believe I read at some point that she’s a former beauty pageant winner from the south. She had just lost her first steady TV job on Dear John and was looking for work. Think she thought she needed to lose a pound or two?

yes, yes, we know they're spectacular. must you throw that in our faces?

2. Teri Hatcher. Played Sidra, the real boob girl. An absolute goddess in 1993. BAD BREATH ODDS: 10-1. I’m not buying it. She’s been around since the late 80s, when she started out as quite possibly Dan Fielding’s hottest girl on Night Court. She’s been accused of having anorexia, but flatly denied it by saying that she doesn’t eat garbage, that’s why she’s thin. Why is that so hard to believe? She’s just one of those women that seems to have it going on. If she did have bad breath, do you think Seinfeld would have said, “Sure, let’s bring Stinky back for the finale!”

3. Lori Loughlin. Played Patty, the girl who makes Jerry show his emotions. She’ll always have a place in my heart from her starring role in Rad. BAD BREATH ODDS: 5-1. Former fashion model alert! But don’t you think John Stamos would have gotten her kicked to the curb a lot quicker on Full House if she was rockin’ bad breath? How many times can you say, “Have mercy!” and look like you mean it when you can’t get past the breath on the other end?

nice tonys outfit.

4. Amanda Peet. Played Linette, who Jerry needed a personal assistant to date. One of my all-time underrated actresses for hotness. Her propensity to be naked doesn’t hurt. BAD BREATH ODDS: 2-1. Maybe it’s the whole vaccination thing — something I agree with, by the way — or maybe it’s the mean stories Howard Stern has told about her second or third-hand. But I can completely envision shaking her hand and turning away from her anchovy breath.

5. Kristin Davis. Played Jenna, the girl whose toothbrush Jerry dropped in the toilet. Way, way underrated. BAD BREATH ODDS: 20-1. She’s a yoga enthusiast, so I’d imagine that’s how she keeps her figure.

6. Christine Taylor. Played Ellen, the girl who everyone hates except Jerry and his parents. The fact that she can’t crack the top 5 shows you the quality of this list. BAD BREATH ODDS: 15-1. Maybe I just don’t want to believe it because she’s local (Allentown) and she’s been around forever and hasn’t had any weight fluctuations. And Ben Stiller seems pretty down to earth, so they probably keep each other grounded and healthy.

not her best look.

7. Courteney Cox. Played Meryl, the girl who is Jerry’s fake wife for dry-cleaning-discount purposes. She’s dated three of my favorite sitcom characters — Seinfeld, Alex P. Keaton and Miss Chanandler Bong. And she’s danced with the Boss. And she couldn’t crack the top 6!!! BAD BREATH ODDS: I’m making her the favorite at like 1-2 if Seinfeld’s accusation about not eating to stay thin is right. She’s always had minor weight fluctuations until Monica got together with Chandler and then she became a stick — grossly, I might add — and has remained that way.

8. Marcia Cross. Played Sara, otherwise known as Pimple Popper, M.D. Check out her Cheers appearance and then realize she is not one of Jerry’s six hottest (famous) girlfriends. Seriously, let that sink in. Then go ahead and FF to the 4:55 mark to see one of the funniest things ever on Cheers. “Shuuuuuuutttttt uuuuuuuuuppppppppp!”

BAD BREATH ODDS: 7-1. No idea why. Just figure this is pretty close.

9. Debra Messing. Played Beth, the woman Jerry is waiting out. Maybe she’s hasn’t aged terribly well, but mid-90s she was impressive. BAD BREATH ODDS: 10-1. Don’t see it. No idea why, but I don’t see it.

10. Jami Gertz. Played Jane, the phone sex operator. 80s hot, just didn’t age as well as Lori Loughlin. BAD BREATH ODDS: 3-1. Star in the 80s, trouble finding work in the 90s, you could see her wanting to keep off a pound or two.

11. Jane Leeves. Played Marla, The Virgin. British hot. Is that an insult? It’s probably an insult. BAD BREATH ODDS: 25-1. This is pre-Frasier. So someone as fringy as her probably couldn’t afford to have bad breath. She would be popping Altoids three at a time to make sure she didn’t before going in for a casting call.

If I missed someone you think is an obvious pick for a Seinfeld girlfriend bad breath candidate, famous or not, drop it in the comments or on the PopRox Facebook page. Maybe Nicki, the hot girl who gets what she wants? Claire, the girl whose belly button talks? Tawney Kitaen, who was getting a little beat by the time she made it to Seinfeld? Go ahead and give it some thought.

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