Let Oscar Season Begin. Wait, Not You, Resident Evil

Programming note: Gonna be doing some live Tweeting tonight from the @poconorecord account. We are starting a panel of local people who will help us comment on the presidential election for the next seven weeks, and tonight we’re hosting a round table discussion of some of the people who are on that panel. I’ll be live Tweeting the round table starting around 6 or so, in case anyone is interested. You aren’t? OK then. There is also still time to sign up for our election panel, drop me an email if you want some more info.

nope. she's gotta be wearing less than that to get me interested.

Hello September! To welcome you to this horrific movie month, we have another Resident Evil and a Disney money-grab that should keep each and every person who works at Disney up late at night for robbing their fans of their money. You don’t see anyone else remaking their original movies into 3-D and releasing them back to audiences just to make a quick buck do you? Oh, you do? Do you really? Just because George Lucas and James Cameron would apparently sell their kidneys on the black market to make a quick buck without having to really work hard, this doesn’t excuse Disney for following their lead. Note that Disney didn’t buy Pixar until 2006, three years after the release of Finding Nemo. So how do you make money on something you missed out on the first time around? Alter it just a pinch and tell audiences it’s “new” or “special.” The Malibu Stacy episode of Simpsons taught me that. “But she’s got a new hat!?!?!?

if this movie does poorly, get ready for a heavy dose of convention spin which I shall now dub, "emptychairitis."

Next weekend is suddenly looking interesting as The Master expands past the five theaters it played at last weekend and killed for per screen average. Last year Moneyball premiered on this upcoming weekend, and don’t think that logic was lost for a second on the people bringing you Trouble with the Curve. “Hey audiences liked one baseball movie this weekend, of course they’ll like another one even though the subject matter is completely and disproportionately different!” If you think that’s insulting (like I do), then welcome to Hollywood, where lowest common denomenator logic isn’t just preached, it’s practiced.

The bright side is that even though we’re staring down six weeks of box office BS, we’re headed square into #oscarseason (yeah, I just hash-tagged you, beeyatch), and it looks like we’ve got a nice little selection to choose from of Oscar-caliber movies over the next six weeks. The Master and Trouble with the Curve (both Friday), The Paperboy (Oct. 5), Argo and Seven Psychopaths (both Oct. 12), The Sessions (Oct. 19) and Cloud Atlas (Oct. 26). That’s something to see every weekend before Halloween to keep you up to date when we get barraged in November.

What bothers me about this Django Unchained infographic about the history of bounty hunting is the amount of time put into it. Three facts? 800 years of bounty hunting and you get three facts? I probably could have done this in an hour. For a Hollywood studio with thousands of millions of dollars of marketing resources as their disposal, this is what they came up with? That took 15 minutes of Googling “the history of bounty hunting” and 45 minutes to design it. Guaranteed. If they had any Photoshop acumen, it only took a half hour of design and they had an extra 15 minutes to catch an episode of Children’s Hospital (which I’m finally starting to get in to) or something. Would it have killed them to say: “Unknown time, place, gangster Jabba the Hutt pays undisclosed amount to Boba Fett to track down the infamous smuggler/rebel Captain Han Solo. In the classic bit of bounty-hunting logic, Boba Fett then double-dips and gets the Galactic Empire to also pay him to find Solo and two of his co-horts, his sidekick Chewbacca and Solo’s would-be girlfriend, Princess Leia. No one gave a crap about C-3Po.”

oh, so they're friends that have hung out too? this is from comic-con 2010, marino on the far left, kroll on the far right

Speaking of Children’s Hospital, I can’t tell if this Ken Marino-Nick Kroll Twitter thing was real or made up. I’m going with made-up, because it seems pretty stupid. It seems like something that will end up being included in a Children’s Hospital episode next year, with everyone then laughing when Glenn gets his clock cleaned by visiting OBGYN Kroll. Stupid reason #1 why it’s fake: I can’t see Ken Marino ever punching anybody, ever. I think it would be more of a slap. He doesn’t seem a little girly to you? Of course he does. Stupid reason #2: These guys aren’t exactly lighting the world on fire here even though they’re both hysterical. In fact, you can make a case that they’re two of the five most underappreciated comedians working in sitcoms today. So who’s to say they didn’t get together and say, “We’re 50,000 times funnier than effing Jon Cryer. Where’s our movie check?” Then they decided to stage this to get famouser (as I’m sure they put it in an ironic way) and they came up with a staged Kauffman-esque fight. Problem is the only ones that picked up on it were AV Club and the other hipster websites where they already are comedy gods. Entertainment Tonight heard about the story, printed out a copy of it and peed on it. No, I’m not kidding, they did. And Nancy O’Dell didn’t even have the courtesy to do it herself, she had her intern do it.

You know what’s sad? When you can write an Entourage episode in about 10 minutes and realize that it’s pretty spot on to what is going to be written in the end anyway by the actual people who write Entourage scripts. Go ahead. Read this and tell me it isn’t reasonably close to what you thought would end up on the screen for an Entourage movie.

I’m not sure. Does the fact that SNL did up a Gangnam Style skit and actually got that Psy boner to come on mean Gangnam Style has now Jumped the Shark, or does that mean we’re going to be seeing it around more often now? Please tell me we’re not going to be seeing it around more. Although I have a feeling an English-language version has been ordered up and is on its way to make us all nuts. Although I gotta say it came out at the perfect time for quick-thinking fantasy football managers to bust out a Gangnam Style team name and everyone thinks it’s funny. But if you use that for your basketball team, you’re going to have people making fun of you. Just an FYI. Timing is everything. Shoot me for actually posting this for the four people who might not have seen it yet:

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