Your Quick Guide to the Biggest Categories at the Emmys

(This is an extended version of the PopRox Sunday column in the Pocono Record.)

The Emmys will never have the anticipation or pageantry of the Oscars, but seeing as some of the best acting is being done on television, these awards can sometimes mean just as much as an Oscar.

So as Hollywood starts taking the Emmy Awards (airing tonight at 8 p.m. on ABC) more seriously, let’s have some fun:

this episode is the reason it still deserves the emmy this year

OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES

Let’s set the over/under now at number of jokes directed at network TV for not having one nominee in this category, none in the mini-series or TV movie category and just three in the comedy category. That’s 18 major show nominations, with three going to the networks. That’s, umm, that’s not good. You can go so far as to say it’s embarrassing. And from what we’ve seen so far this fall, don’t expect the networks to be jumping back in to the 2013 Emmys either. Not in drama, at least. I’ll say 17.5 jokes about the death of network TV.

SHOULD WIN: Mad Men

SPOILER: Downton Abbey

WILL WIN: Breaking Bad. Walt breaks through.

OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES 

What’s most frustrating is that you can make a better list of nominees from six shows that were snubbed. Seriously, if I told you the nominees for best comedy were Parks and Recreation, Community, The Middle, Glee, The Office and New Girl, would you even blink? Wouldn’t your only real complaint be that Modern Family got snubbed? And yet, 30 Rock remains in the running for reasons quite unknown.

SHOULD WIN: Modern Family

SPOILER: Curb Your Enthusiasm

WILL WIN: Modern Family

it's back! the gus face is back!!!

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES 

Hmmmm. Let’s see. How can I possibly pimp for Giancarlo Esposito as Gus Fring in Breaking Bad even more? Should I wear a sandwich board and walk around Main Street, chiming a hand bell screaming, VOTE FOR GUS!!! at the top of my lungs? Can I paint it on my chest and make sure to get on TV at the Jets game today? Should I kidnap every Emmy voter and hold them hostage Swimming with Sharks-style until they vote for Esposito? I’m open to any suggestion.

SHOULD WIN: Ummm, let’s see …

SPOILER: Last year’s winner Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones)

WILL WIN: Please, please, please, Esposito.

you would vote for her. yes you would.

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES

Be honest. If I told you three years ago the following sentence, “Remember Blossom? She’s about to make a comeback and get nominated for an Emmy for her role in the highest-rated sitcom on TV,” how quickly would you have called the loony bin and booked me a suite? If she does win, I have only one request: That the actual Blossom theme be playing in the background for her entire speech while she tries to figure out what the heck is going on. And in my opinionation, the sun is gonna surely shine … She might even start swatting the air, like there was a fly buzzing around her head or something. That’d be awesome.

SHOULD WIN: Julie Bowen (Modern Family)

SPOILER: Blossom herself, Mayim Bialik (Big Bang Theory)

WILL WIN: Sofía Vergara (Modern Family). Some of the voters are men? Then every, single, solitary one of them is voting for Vergara. Probably some of the women too. That’s the kind of blinding sex appeal she has.

Awww crap, I can’t resist …

OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES 

Under the assumption that Modern Family will be on the air for at least six more years, and that at least three of those years will remain Emmy-worthy, let’s make a new Emmy rule to spread the wealth a little. Instead of giving all four male supporting (and nomination-deserving) cast members an Emmy nomination, can’t we just combine Ty Burrell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Ed O’Neill and Eric Stonestreet all into one person? Like Tyed Stoneguesson? Or Edric Tylerell? Then they all can come up to the podium when they win and get one statue to share along with a hacksaw to divide it up. Then they have to cut it up onstage. You’d watch that, right? Yes. Yes you would.

SHOULD WIN: Tysse O’Neillstreet

SPOILER: Bill Hader (Saturday Night Live)

WILL WIN: O’Neill

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