Let’s clean out my bookmarks:
Remember like 10 years ago when Family Guy got canceled — twice — and no one knew the name Seth MacFarlane? Hope you enjoyed those days, because they are soooooo over. MacFarlane not only has the surprise hit of the year in his movie debut with Ted, not only does he has a bazillion-year contract with Fox to make something like 59,741 TV shows a year, not only did he date Eliza Dushku, but apparently his SNL hosting gig a couple weeks ago was what amounted to an audition to host the Oscars in February, because now he’s got the gig. Is that all it takes these days to host the Oscars? One hit? And I didn’t think he was even that good on SNL. Am I missing something here? Has the list of people willing to take on the gargantuan, thankless task of hosting the Oscars dwindled so much that Seth MacFarlane is now the go-to guy for this? I know if I asked my dad who Seth MacFarlane is, he’d say something like, “Is he the long snapper the Eagles cut last week?” But he can at least give me sketchy details for the likes of Billy Crystal, Anne Hathaway, James Franco, Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin, Hugh Jackman, Jon Stewart and the other past hosts before they hosted. What’s even weirder is that there has to be a huge part of the world that has never even seen MacFarlane. He’s a behind-the-scenes voice talent and producer, not a comedian or live performer. But if that’s where the Academy wants to go, you knew they weren’t getting a no from MacFarlane. When does this poor guy sleep? Does he sleep? Seriously, maybe the guy doesn’t sleep.
We could be seeing the beginnings of the next Daddy Day Care here, people. Adam Sandler’s box office track record has been horrible for the past year, with Jack and Jill blah-ing us to death and then his first R-rated comedy, That’s My Boy, staking its claim to the bomb of summer 2012. The more adult he went, the worse the box office results were. So here comes a random animated family film without much fanfare — and it debuts with $43 million in its opening weekend. You can’t tell me his agents and managers aren’t meeting right now all asking each other the same question: “So, do you wanna tell him that we’re only doing Disney movies from now on, or can we get an intern to do it or something?” Because that’s where this is headed, pronto. He’s got Grown Ups 2 next year, a broad football comedy with Will Ferrell after that, then nothing else on his plate. Well let me tell you what’s going to be on that plate. The main voice in a Pixar cartoon, a Hotel Transylvania sequel, maybe a Bedtime Stories sequel and then some ”comedy” about a dad trying to sabotage his daughter’s first date or something. After each movie is announced, he’s gonna talk about how nice it is that his kids can watch his movies. And then every Sandler fan will die a little more inside, just in case watching Just Go with It didn’t do it already.
You know what’s a good idea? Scheduling anything around the remote possibility that Andy Dick will be both on time and cohesively sober. That hasn’t stopped Ben Stiller from hitching his star to Dick’s wagon yet again, as the cast members of The Ben Stiller Show will reunite for a show at the New York Comedy Festival in November. Just in case you’re in your 20s and you’re thinking, “Hey, what’s Better Call Saul doing up on stage in a comedy show with that weird blonde guy I see on TMZ freaking out all the time???” that show probably isn’t for you. Just trust me, it’s freaking cool that they’re getting back together.
Didn’t get a chance to post this last week, but Britney Spears’ people are fargin’ idiots for even mentioning that they heard of the Britney Glee episode a couple weeks ago. That’s the classic, “Oh really, I’ll have to watch and find out” answer with the customary phone number change happening minutes later. It seems so insane that it seems staged and calculated. Why would Britney’s people even bother with this? First, it wasn’t that bad. Second, the bad parts — Glee’s Britney almost shaving her head and beating up poor Jacob Ben Israel with an umbrella, Britney Spears style — weren’t that bad, and weren’t anything any one with a cell phone hadn’t seen before. And since I can’t imagine my grandmother watches Glee, it’s still in everyone’s memory. Britney (Spears, not s. Pierce) has made some mistakes, but it looks like the big one is keeping this publicists around. I guarantee that writer called the flack just fishing for any kind of story, and the flack had the idiocy to go off. Duh. Even I know not to do that.
It really is weird that every time a new movie or TV show comes out about time travel, all the rules are different. I don’t expect every movie to have a flux capacitor, but can’t there be some kind of agreement on what you can and can’t do in time travel? I kinda feel the same way about vampire shows and movies. There have to be, like 10,000 million vampire things, and ALL OF THEM have different rules. I think the only thing that ever stays the same is the stake-through-the-heart thing, apparently the universal symbol for killing a vampire. Some say they can go out during the day, some say they can if they wear an amulet, some say they can fly … can’t we agree on anything? Maybe that should be the next vampire show. Mixing up all the rules for all of the different movies and making the vampires figure out which ones are true or not.
Cheers is turning 30? As I typed that, a clump of hair fell out of my head. I’m a little worried about how old I’m getting these days, I think. And hearing that Cheers — one of the five best sitcoms ever — is now 30 years old, makes me feel older than dirt. This momentous occasion calls for someone to make the calls to the cast and crew to do some kind of oral history of the show. C’mon Grantland, get on this.
Haven’t watched these Walking Dead webisodes yet, but they’re up. Just in case you’re not like me and have about eight hours of shows to clear out of the DVR and you have time to waste on Internet-only snippets that you think contain some major clues, but they really don’t. At all.