Your Spooktacular Poconos Weekend Fun Guide

I think I say this concerning just about every holiday these days, but Halloween has become one of the biggest drinking holidays there is. And let’s go a step further — I’ll be willing to bet more random people hook up on Halloween than any other.

The reasons for this are threefold:

--The alcohol. Apparently it’s become illegal to host an over-21 Halloween party at anywhere other than a bar. I missed the memo. Not that I’m complaining.

--The weather. We’re about to batten down the hatches and not emerge from our winter cocoons for the next five months, destined to be clothed in layers upon layers of comfort and warmth. That makes this pretty much the last chance for girls — and guys, for that matter — to show anything resembling skin until the first sun-tanning day of the year in April 2013. Girls have been known to take full advantage of the opportunity during Halloween season in some primal attempt to show off their bodies to attract a guy before they’re stuck wearing a parka for five months.

--The outfits. Let’s preface this by saying no one, at any time, is “asking” for something just because of the way they’re dressed. Not on Halloween, not on Fourth of July, not on Friday nights, not on Arbor Day. OK? OK. That being said, there isn’t a girl in the world who dresses up in a bra and panties, goes out into public on one of the drunkest nights of the year, that isn’t at the very least implying, “Hey, everyone, look at me!” It’s an invitation for, if nothing else, an icebreaker pick-up line as simple as “Cool costume, how long did it take to put together” or to as direct as “No matter what the judging says, you have the hottest costume in here. It’ll look great on my bedroom floor in the morning.” Or something a little less lame. That’s up to you.

Anyway.

Since there are like 10 zillion bar Halloween parties this weekend, we’re limiting this week’s fun guide to those. And sorry if I missed anyone, but you should guarantee I don’t miss you next time by emailing me the info on your event you wanna see published here. Like, say, your party night the night before Thanksgiving coming up …

FRIDAY

ok then. here they are.

Admittedly, I have no idea who the Red Hot ladies are. Maybe they’re not the brightest girls in the world. Maybe they can’t carry on much of a conversation, and maybe they hate everything baseball related. But really, should that keep anyone from being at Mount Airy tonight for the Halloween party with said Red Hot Girls? And hey, look, it’s my two favorite words — no cover! I’m sure that means $8 beers, but let’s not quibble. Oh, oh, OK, I got it. See what a little Google search can do for you? The ladies are from the Miss Red Hot contest, they’ll be doing their own costume contest first, then it will be a public costume contest. Lemme guess — the girl who wins the Miss Red Hot costume contest will be the one “dressed” in about 3-4 feet of police tape, right? I know it sounds like I’m complaining, but I’m not.

Lombardi’s Brookside in Tobyhanna is looking like the winner for unique costume prize of the weekend — a trip to Vegas for the winner of its costume contest. All its FB page says is win a trip to “Vegas” not “Las Vegas” which worries me that there is some 27-person town in Wayne County named Vegas that I’ve never heard of. But that’s only my cynicism and surprise over such a kick ass prize. We’ll give Lombardi’s the benefit of the doubt because I like their wings.

thank you, playboy mansion, for upping the ante

If you wanna do prizes, that’s one thing. But if you wanna just go out to see girls dressed in as little as possible, that’s a little different. If you’re looking for the latter, may I please present you with a lingerie party at the Pocono Inn in Delaware Water Gap tonight? It’s strictly for the kids, it seems, it looks like if you’re over 30 the record will scratch and everyone will turn and stare like you just walked in to the Dexter Lake Club or something.

Sticks N Stones in Marshalls Creek starts its Halloween Spooktacular at 9 p.m. with Flyin’ Blind playing all night. I might be off base here, but I’m thinking we should call a moratorium on calling a Halloween party a “spooktacular.” Especially since it somehow became a noun without my permission. It should at least be “Halloween Spooktacular Party” but we’ve even dropped the party. If you just said, “Halloween Spectacular,” wouldn’t you expect to see “event,” “show” or “party” at the end of it? Am I off base? I’m probably off base. Carry on, Spooktaculars.

I’ll throw this on Friday, but Blue Tequila in Minisink Hills is having three Halloween parties this week, one yesterday, one tonight and one on Saturday. So, if you win the costume contest on Friday, wouldn’t it behoove you to go back on Saturday night too? How much is the crowd gonna change? By 20 percent? Maybe 30 percent? I’d say those would be good odds to win back-to-back.

Team Joe O’Malley is at Melograno’s Pine Hollow for its Halloween party tonight. Actually, it’s their “Hollow”ween party. Get it? Hey, it’s more creative than Spooktacular.

SATURDAY

The Sherman Theater is doing its annual Halloween thing, with a new addition this year. First it’s the zombie walk from the Hampton Inn to the theater, then the premiere of the locally shot, produced, written, acted, all that good stuff, film Holiday of the Dead. There is an after-party, then the theater shifts gears and does its annual Rocky Horror Picture Show party. Check out the trailer for the zombie movie Holiday of the Dead:

For some reason, I always associate Jell-O shots with Halloween. Don’t ask me why. I think that was always the first time the girls’ houses would bust them out in college or something. Maybe it actually is a Halloween thing because I’ve seen people advertising that they’ll be having Jell-O shots, like Pocono Brewing Company’s dance party from 9:30 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. with DJ Jess Mix Goddess, who is also promising some “surprises.” Feel free to speculate on what said surprises could possibly be. Is she bringing her dog? Will she do her whole set while standing on her head? The possibilities are limitless. The requisite costume contests are on the docket too. They’re not surprising.

There are two types of Halloween people. Those who dress up, and those who don’t. I’m squarely in the “those who don’t” category, always have been. In college I used to go as a skinny drunk and my buddy Big Daddy was the fat drunk. We somehow pulled it off. Anyway, no one caters to us non-dressers on Halloween. Until now! The Lounge in Bartonsville is giving away cash and prizes for the best costume, scariest costume, sexiest, blah, blah, blah, but the non-dressers have a shot at cash too with a cash balloon drop at 1 a.m.! Finally! We’ve been oppressed for so long, it’s about time someone noticed us.

Do you see how many of these things I’ve written about so far? It’s a lot, right? So if you’re competing to get people to come out to your Halloween party, you have to think outside the box a little. Last year it was by offering the biggest prizes, but I think when some people started offering $1,000 for best costume, they knew it was getting out of hand and that they would be losing money on the whole thing. You could do lingerie parties, but that seems a little too easy. Hey! Here’s an idea! Free buffet! Wait, seriously? Only Jubilee/Pub in the Pines is doing a free buffet? I gotta imagine that’s going to turn some heads. It would turn mine if I didn’t have to sit home and watch my daughters because I’ve dumped them off on the grandparents for the last two weekends. Although they are discriminating against my kind — $5 cover, free if you’re in costume. Maybe I’ll call the ACLU.

i'm really hoping enough people watched south park this week and got talked out of dressing up as psy this weekend. i think we're at the point where you're chancing having the dorkiest outfit of the night if you go as psy

The PourHouse in Mountainhome is doing a $200 costume contest, and is one of the only places that actually gives instructions on what you have to do to be registered. How hard is that? You have to be registered by 10 p.m. if you want to be in the contest. Bam. That was easy. Other places, don’t piss and moan when people show up and cuss you out for giving away the best costume prize at 11 p.m. even though they think their Gangnam Style outfit should have won when they showed up at 12:30 a.m.

Madd Anthony’s in Blakeslee will go from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. with Moyst playing downstairs and a DJ upstairs. It’s been a while since I’ve been to Madd Anthony’s, but they have an upstairs downstairs thing now? Sweet. Someone let me know how that’s working out. Is it the basement and the regular bar? Or the regular bar and a new upstairs venue? I need to know.

Paddy Kenny’s in Blakeslee (kinda) is doing its thing from 8 to midnight, with prizes and … a 50/50? I’m wondering about that. Is it for charity? Is it gambling? Who gets the other 50? I’m going with it’s for charity and not asking any more questions.

Venues seems to sticking with getting a good band every weekend, which is what we all love to see, right? Right.

The Cinder Inn is doing a Halloween karaoke night, with $150 for the best costume, and cash for second and third place too. I was out there for one of their Halloween parties a couple years ago, and let’s just say they take their Halloween seriously around there.

Sycamore Grille is doing the karaoke thing too, with a costume contest. How many karaoke DJs are there around here? Oh, excuse me, KJs?

Siamsa is doing its second of three Halloween parties Saturday, with the third one a 70s theme next Tuesday as a fundraiser for the ESU rugby team. Which must mean there actually is an ESU rugby team.

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