Sorry that I can’t stop writing about Star Wars. I think until 2015 rolls around, I’m just gonna hang out and be ridiculously skeptical about a new Star Wars movie. That’s just how I’m gonna play it, thanks. That gives us 2.5 years to come up with all kinds of different conspiracy theories about Lucas being “prominently involved” or that Harrison Ford did a “secret cameo.” In the next 30 months, you will hear about 50,000 of those rumors. I’m thinking I might even start some of the rumors.
Now comes the hard part — trying to find a release date. The way release dates get gobbled up these days, you would think the next Star Wars movie is going to have to act fast to find an opening date. Every Star Wars movie opened the week before Memorial Day, giving them the chance to dominate that week and the profitable holiday weekend. Sold! Whoops, hold on a second there, professor. Avengers 2 already grabbed the patented Marvel release date of the first weekend in May 2015. This year, as Avengers became the third-highest grossing movie of all time, it swallowed up Dark Shadows, The Dictator and Battleship over the next two weeks. All of them performed below expectations even though they all had big dreams. Then it surely took a chunk out of MIB 3 over Memorial Day Weekend when Avengers was still making $55 million. If you’re Disney, and you just paid $4 billion-plus for the rights to the Lucas library, and you’re banking on Star Wars to be the biggest of the cash cows — do you really want to take a risk that Joss Whedon actually will improve in his second Avengers movie? As good as Avengers was, it can happen, right? George Lucas would have been stubborn enough not to budge from the spot he released all of his Star Wars movies. Disney — which makes the Avengers movies — won’t. In the next few weeks, you can probably expect an announcement that Star Wars 7 will be coming out July 4 weekend, 2015. The only other possibility would probably be Thanksgiving weekend, but Disney already has Ant Man coming out that month and the third Hunger Games is coming out Nov. 20, 2015. Unless Disney wants to move something around, July 4 seems the only time it could release.
I consider myself someone who watches and keeps up with a good amount of TV. So when USA announces the cancellation of three shows and I can only identify one of them (Fairly Legal, because I thought the lead girl was hot as hell)? That’s probably a problem. It’s tough to argue with the network’s formula, for the most part, it’s spot-on. But when you start flooding the market with all those shows, they tend to all look alike.
Hmmmmm, let’s think about this for a second. OK, I’m good. Yup, this makes me more angry than the prospect of new Star Wars movies. Well, maybe not more angry, just more disappointed and more disenfranchised. Like, I kinda feel like I’m only a fringe member of society when the rest of the world obviously wants more NCIS, and I have yet to watch 10 seconds of one, nor do I care to, nor will I ever. Same went for the CSI franchise a couple years ago, but now that they’ve all been taken down, I can start to turn my venom toward Mark Harmon. Which kinda sucks, because I never thought I’d find myself hating Mr. Shoop.
Sticking with TV shows I seriously doubt I’ll watch 30 seconds of, ever, yet the mere fact that they’re on CBS and follow the CBS formula means they’ll be ridiculously popular — Elementary, which was announced as the post-Super Bowl plum in 2013. And the rich get richer. What kind of stunt could it possibly pull? Maybe it introduces Dr. Moriarty, but that went over like a fart in church in Sherlock Holmes 2. Whatever. That right there was more time than I ever figured I’d spend wondering about Elementary.
I can’t even begin to picture where a new edition of Boy Meets World would find the old cast. But since I’m a closet fan of the show … wait, forget it, I’m a full-fledged fan … I’ll take a shot:
Corey: Took over for his old man at the camping store and is just as boring now as he was 15 years ago.
Topanga: Dumped Corey (finally) and found someone who didn’t have a fro. Got fat, got dumped, lost weight, went back to Corey who of course was waiting with open arms, now she does her best Peggy Bundy impersonation, sitting on the couch all day, eating bon bons, complaining about Corey and regretting moving back to Philly.
Shawn: Robbery. Drugs. Jail. Repeat. Anything else is a lie unless they mention the years of intense psychotherapy he went through just so that he could look at Corey and Topanga without getting jealous, let alone be in the same room with them, or severely let alone the fact that he could still be friends with them.
Eric: Finally got the gig as the Good Looking Guy Detective.
Mr. Feeny: Still teaching, more as karmic punishment than anything, for meddling in Shawn and Corey’s affairs for too long.
Any other show, and I’d be out of Fringe already. It’s a freakin’ mess of a tire fire. But I’m too invested, and I don’t want to just quit after I spent a good chunk of the last four years watching every episode. So now I’m circling Jan. 18 on the calendar for two great reasons: 1. Two-hour finale of Fringe, yay! 2. I can stop watching Fringe! Kinda feel like Pig Man in PCU, “I can stop watching TV!!!” Since I can’t find that scene on YouTube, I found this instead: