TV Comings and … Nope, Only Comings

Getting caught up with TV renewals:

ok nashville. you know what you have to do to get me back.

ABC gave a full-season order to Nashville, giving me a full year to avoid the show. Sweet! It’s probably one of my biggest disappointments of the year. I should have known any show inherently about country music that prominently features Hayden Panettiere would piss me off, but I was blinded by the light of Connie Britton. About three minutes into the second episode, when Panettiere was shooting a country video at Britton’s kids’ school, I super-quickly checked out and haven’t been back since. And unless the channel guide says something like, “Connie Britton’s boobs displayed for 24 seconds,” I ain’t headed back.

And now some news from shows I haven’t bothered watching for various reasons including, “decided to cut my toenails instead,” “wanted to watch a west coast preseason NBA game” or “Charlie Rose was interviewing a rich white guy.” Actually, that looks like Charlie Rose’s lineup every night. Anyway:

uh huh.

Chicago Fire is just about everything that could make me unexcited about a TV show rolled into one. Procedural. Obviously inferior copy of another one of my favorite shows (Rescue Me). Pretty people doing non-pretty things, because it happens all the time in real life. Dick Wolf-produced, which meant I was really clever and was calling it Law & Fire through most of the summer. See? Clever. It just screamed out that it should be avoided at all costs, I don’t remember mentioning it until now. But it nailed down a full-season order a couple of days after it posted huge ratings gains on the strength of the lead-in of The Voice. And now you see why procedurals are favored in the TV world. Chicago Fire had been on for about a month, and was getting decidedly so-so ratings. But last week it went up something ridiculous like 40 percent when The Voice had a special Wednesday results show, and two days later, it had a full-season pick-up. People knew they could watch it without having to catch up on the complicated 24 or Lost-like plot twists that require you to watch every week. They were able to just ease in to whatever two hot firefighters were having sex that week. Perfect!

So says Judd Apatow: The HBO show Girls will be back for a third season, even though the second season doesn’t premiere until next year. HBO PR people likely threw a great, big party when they learned they had to deal with 100 TV reporters calling them to ask whether Apatow was right or not. They were sooooooo excited they issued this gem of a statement: “We’re looking forward to the launch of season two and hope to have good news shortly thereafter.” Sometimes I wonder if media relations is ever taught in PR school anymore. Just to be clear — a statement like is meaningless. Just say no comment and we’ll go around you and find out the real story. Which Apatow already did.

oooohhhh right, i knew there was a reason I meant to watch beauty and the beast.

I probably should have watched Beauty and the Beast, but just never got around to it. It’s gonna be around for the whole year. I think it’s hard to watch the CW because I feel so old when I do. Not because I don’t get the kids’ lingo or anything — like, I guarantee you no one on a CW show uses the word “lingo” — but because it’s obviously not made for me. Or anyone over 30, for that matter, and 30 is stretching it. Arrow is the exception to the rule, it’s probably the broadest, most completely mainstream show the network has ever made. But I just had a feeling that watching Beauty and the Beast would make me feel like the 30-year-old at a frat party. Which I’ve done, by the by, and it’s not fun until two hours in when you’ve finally gotten six beers down.

Haven is a show on Syfy. See? You actually can learn something new every day.

Married to Jonas now has permission to shoot a second season for E!, but I do not give you permission to watch it. You’re banned. All of you. Seriously. If you keep watching baloney like this, E! is just going to keep making them. Do people really want that?

I know all I need to know about recent second-season renewal Brickleberry by seeing Daniel Tosh is involved. I think I’d not like him a little less if people didn’t worship the guy for just commenting on YouTube videos and being contractually obligated to use one of the following words, “butt,” “ass,” dong,” etc. etc., at least once every 10 words. Isn’t that what Mystery Science Theater was all about? Except funnier?

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