Some quick links

Very quickly, I’m on the run here:

Would anyone even notice if there were new episodes of Two and a Half Men or not since Charlie Sheen is hitting rehab and the rest of the season is in doubt? The repeats do just as well as the originals, and they’re all the same episodes anyway. Charlie likes to have sex, Jon Cryer is a prude who wants him to grow up, and the kid comes around and gets the whole argument just a little more than the adults realize. The end. It’s the modern-day Three’s Company. So if CBS has to go with repeats, I’d like to see if anyone even notices.

In case you were worried, 24 won’t be delayed from Kiefer Sutherland’s mystery illness. But at this point of the somewhat laughable season, maybe the best thing that could have happened was that he faked sick for the rest of the year and they just cancelled the show. This whole “Dana has a weird past” story is quickly becoming my least favorite 24 B-story ever. That includes Kim, the mountain lion and Johnny Drama.

It’s not hard to believe Tony Kornheiser got suspended for nasty remarks on PTI — it is hard to believe this is the first time it’s happened. I was a huge fan of his radio show when it was on ESPN from about 98-04, and the guy has no governor. That’s what makes him a good radio and TV guy, but it was bound to bite him at some point. It’s almost unfathomable that it’s taken so long to happen.

no!!! keep your clothes on!!!

no!!! keep your clothes on!!!

Those who are in the opinion that Showgirls is so bad it’s good are wrong. It’s just bad. Seeing Elizabeth Berkley naked early and often was a dream for most of my teen years, but seeing Showgirls completely ruined that dream. It would be like if Tiffani-Amber Thiessen showed up in Saw 9 as a blood-covered, naked victim. So the fact that there is a sequel coming is just plain wrong, although it’s about time people started making a commitment to gratuitous nudity again. It’s been too long.

Where the heck was this story yesterday when I was looking for a link about Alia Shawkat? Well, it’s here now. And it’s a good time to be Maeby.

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top 20 movies of the year

The Orange Street Oscars are like me — old.

It’s my group of movie-obsessed college friends who every year put together a combined list of the 20 best movies of the year. We’ve been doing it since 1997, when Boogie Nights took the top spot. So yeah, it’s been a while.

None of us are professional movie reviewers, so we see them like you do, by paying money and hoping the independent movies come to our town. Times have changed, I can’t just wake up anymore and think, “You know, it’s a good day to hit a 25th Hour and House of Sand and Fog” double feature like I used to. But we’re all thanking our movie gods that they come out on DVD quicker than they ever had. About five years ago, unless we saw Good Night and Good Luck (release date Oct. 7) in the theater, we wouldn’t have seen it in time for the list because it didn’t come out on DVD until April or May. Now? It would have been on the street by New Year’s. So we’re lucky that way.

We’re in the midst of compiling all the lists now, so they’ll be posted through the week. I did manage to get to the theater about seven times this year, so my list isn’t that terrible, even though I’m not particularly happy with it, but here are my top 20 movies for 2009:

1. Inglourious Basterds. The only movie I saw this year that when it was over, I thought, “My life is better because I just watched that movie.” Usually that happens four or five times a year.

couldn't you have had your sister just play herself?

couldn't you have had your sister just play herself?

2. Up in the Air. For George Clooney’s next role, he’ll play a former washed-up sitcom star who transforms his career with a lucky break on a medical drama and becomes the hottest actor on the planet.

3. The Hangover. I can’t remember laughing that consistently at a movie in the theater. Maybe Kingpin. I was borderline embarrassed of myself and thought everyone was looking at me the whole time. Totally worth it though. What Dude Where’s My Car should have been.

4. Hurt Locker. That 10-minute “running through the streets of the city” scene killed this movie for me. It probably would have been my #1 without that scene. Still makes me angry.

5. Adventureland. Ever have a summer job? Then do I have a movie for you! I thought it was speaking to me directly about my summer job experiences, then realized that 90% of America also could relate to this. How did it not make more money?

6. 500 Days of Summer. If you’re going to be forced to watch chick flicks by your significant other, they might as well be interesting, different ones. Whatever you say about this movie, it is both interesting and different. Tough to believe Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the same guy who played Cobra Commander. It’s got to keep him up at night.

from the Dominican to Iowa. is that even legal?

from the Dominican to Iowa. is that even legal?

7. Sugar. When I returned from my honeymoon in the Dominican Republic to Miami, it was complete and utter culture shock. It took me a couple hours to really adjust to life back in the states, and I had only been gone for less than a week. That made me realize how tough Dominican baseball players must have it. Apparently, someone else thought of that too.

8. Away We Go. The transformation of Jim Halpert has begun.

9. Precious. I’ll probably never watch this movie again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t recognize how good it is.

10. State of Play. What a shock! The newspaper reporter counts this as one of the best movies of the year! But other than the fact that Russell Crowe has a never-ending deadline that gives him like 2 weeks to write a story that should have been turned around (industry term) in a day, his reporter is one of the more real ones I’ve seen on screen. And I know editors like Helen Mirren, completely broken down by corporations to the point where she’s just trying to hold on long enough to get some money back in her 401k. I know a couple of them.

11. Watchmen. I thought the book actually was overrated, so I was glad to see they 86-ed my two least favorite parts, the comic-in-a-comic and the ending. I disappointed, however, to see the rest of the movie is a panel-by-panel adaptation. Jackie Earl Haley is carving out the most impressive career resurgence of this generation.

12. District 9. A little too preachy for my taste. My head hurt from all the times I was bashed over the head with “We’re all alike.”

'member, you used to be jim halpert's girlfriend? 'member?

'member, you used to be jim halpert's girlfriend? 'member?

13. Sunshine Cleaning. Good for Amy Adams for keeping a little bit of her credibility. If I saw her in Enchanted 2, that would have been it for me. Someone should tell Alan Arkin there are different kinds of roles available for him.

14. Gomorrah. If the language translation wasn’t so off, it would have been higher on my list. But when someone is getting a gun pointed at their head by a cold-blooded gangster and the subtitle reads something along the lines of “I am going to shoot you now!” it’s hard to really get invested.

15. Goodbye Solo. Weirdly engaging. I had sweaty palms at the end of this, I felt like I was up on that mountain ledge. That’s good film making.

16. Amreeka. Good year for Maeby, ending up as a cool sidekick in Whip It and playing the writer/director of one of the most impressively gut-wrenching movies of the year.

17. In the Loop. I definitely did not think it was as funny as I was led to believe it was, maybe I’m just not smart enough to understand it. It’s still funny, but more, “Huh, that’s funny” than “BA HA HA HA!!!”

18. Wolverine. I don’t care what anyone says, I liked it a good bit. Yeah, there are too many people in it, but it’s a good comic book movie.

19. Whichever Harry Potter just came out. My biggest complaint is that I’ve never read a Harry Potter book and care about the series only when the movies come out, but about halfway through this one, I apparently figured out exactly how the book series ends. These movies need to be given more respect as art instead of just as popcorn blockbusters. In terms of quality, it’s surpassing Star Wars more and more with each installment thanks to the gosh darn prequels.

great follow-up

great follow-up. what's next, hot flashes 17?

20. The Girlfriend Experience. You either like Stephen Soderberg’s little experimental films or you don’t. I do. Sasha Gray deserves to get more mainstream work, pronto. But no, there she is on G4 anchoring the Australian Adult Film Expo coverage. That will make Spielberg notice for sure.

Just missed: Sin Nombre

Still haven’t seen:

An Education: The one movie I regret missing this year.

A Serious Man: It’s sitting on my TV cable box right now. I’m angry I didn’t get a chance to watch it in time.

Avatar: When I started my campaign of not seeing Avatar, it was out of principle. I don’t think it’s right to say something is going to change how movies are made six months before anyone has seen a second of footage. I’m old fashioned that way, I guess. Then it was an all-out assault to be the only one in the country who hadn’t seen it by Christmas. Around mid-January, I was weakening and thought I should see it or risk being the only person between the ages of 15 and 50 who hadn’t seen it. Now? I’m proud I haven’t seen it and bring it up in conversation as much as possible:

“Hi Mike, how’s it going?” “Great! Did i tell you I haven’t seen Avatar yet?”

“Actually, the news isn’t good. It looks like she’s not going to make it.” “Oh no, that’s terrible. Hey, speaking of that, did I tell you I haven’t seen Avatar yet and I don’t plan on it until it comes on DVD?”

And so on.

NO WAY THEY’D BE ON THIS LIST

GI Joe: Worst movie I saw this year. I promised myself I would shut it off if anyone said, “And knowing is the half the battle.” I didn’t know they’d say it in the first 20 minutes.

Thirst: The best movie about South Korean vampire priests probably ever, but that doesn’t make it good. A big step back for Chan-wook Park.

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too early to start crowing avatar?

I’m in the process finally of making my top 20 movies for 2009. I’ll have it finalized in the next two days or so.

Today’s links:

gunning for the upset

gunning for the upset

The coronation ceremony for Avatar as Oscar’s best picture may have been a bit premature. It hasn’t added a major award since the Golden Globes in January, losing to Inglourious Basterds at the SAG awards, then losing to The Hurt Locker at the BAFTAs last night and to Hurt Locker at the Writers Guild Awards. It also lost out to Hurt Locker at the Critics Choice Awards. This could mean absolutely nothing — but it could mean people are loving the movie as a movie, but not as a work of art the way most Oscar-winning movies are considered. Rolling Stone movie critic Peter Travers brought up something interesting in his Oscar preview: Academy voters are being asked for the first time to rank their favorite movies of the year, from 1 to 10. Before now, it was always just “vote for your favorite movie.” In one sense, this could hurt Avatar because if any movie is going to see a backlash, it’s that one. People are sick of hearing about it. So that could push some people to tank it fifth or sixth, but there won’t be many people pushing The Hurt Locker to any lower than third. Same for Inglourious Basterds. On the other hand, this could also help Avatar because it’s undoubtedly the only movie every member of the Academy saw. With more than 6,000 members, you can’t convince me that even half of them took the time to watch An Education.

Maybe Hollywood suits know what they’re doing after all. Shutter Island originally had been scheduled for an Oct. 2 release to go directly up against Couples Retreat in what would have been the two most markedly different battle of islands in box office history. That weekend had been occupied by The Departed in 2006, so it seemed like the perfect date for a Scorsese movie to put it in prime position for Oscar season. Someone must have come to the grim realization that, “Umm, this isn’t an Oscar movie” and it got shifted to an open February date where people are looking for anything that might be even remotely good. Bonanza! $40 million, the best opening ever for both Scorsese and Leo DiCaprio.

Because I’m one of the people who heard The Fratellis a couple years ago and immediately asked, “I wonder if they took their name from The Goonies?” (they did), it gives me great joy to know the movie lives on today and that people plan pilgrimiges to see the original Goondox. Who didn’t want to be a Goonie growing up? It’s the ultimate movie for an 11-year-old boy then and now and the Truffle Shuffle remains a seminal moment in pre-pubescent movie comedy.

A couple weeks ago I said I didn’t think there were be any TV show pick-up announcements for at least a couple weeks because of the Olympics. But I didn’t say there wouldn’t be cancellation announcements, and we have the first big ax job of the winter season, Past Life. Never saw it because I read so much bad stuff about it, but it had one of the worst names in a while because I kept referring to it as Half Life. When your show hasn’t debuted and you’ve already got people wondering where to find it because they can’t remember its name, that’s a problem.

i finally know how frank grimes felt

i finally know how frank grimes felt

If Past Life was disappointing, then the complete opposite has been this 10-episode season of Men of a Certain Age on TNT. I was inches away from giving up on it after about three episodes, but I’m glad I stuck with it. Ray Romano, Andre Braugher and Scott Bakula have developed a pretty good chemistry together and without that, I wouldn’t be interested in their lives in the slightest. In fact, I’d probably hate them. The fact that I am interested in their lives is testament to the show’s power although I’m still thinking of them in their more familiar roles (Ray, Pembleton and Sam Beckett). It’s a fun Monday night diversion that I won’t miss for a second after tonight’s season finale until it comes back next year. I’m still trying to figure out the details of these guys, though, and it hinders my enjoyment of the show every week. Aren’t they college buddies? I’m not sure if it was implied or said straight out, but I’m pretty sure they went to Syracuse. So how did they all end up in the same small SoCal town? Owen seems to be the only one from that town, with his dad having a long-established car dealership there. So one night during a 20-inch snowstorm they’re all sitting around the off-campus house wondering what to do after graduation and Joe and Terry got sick of snow and said, “Your stories of this magical town have intrigued us. Sure, we’ll come back with you and make our lives there!” Weird. And for the crappy car salesman he’s made out to be, Owen sure seems to have the life! He lives in a palace, his wife doesn’t work, he’s got three kids and needs to sleep with complicated medical equipment to help him breathe — but he’s the second-worst car salesman at his store. I watch him and I think of when Frank Grimes came into the Simpson household (which somehow doesn’t have video available).

You have to feel for someone who walks through any airport in America and has people screaming at him, “Hey BONER!!!” Or that people walk up to you and say, “Can we get our picture taken with you, Boner?” You’re just doomed for the rest of your life, and I seriously doubt anyone thought of that when the writers made up his name. I seriously doubt anyone calls him Richard Millhouse Stabone — although I probably would. Is there any doubt that the only way he gets back in the news is by going missing? A DUI wouldn’t even have registered. Hopefully everything turns out OK and Andrew Koening ends up being found.

Of all the young actors whose careers were launched because of the American Pie movies, only two have generated soem kind of long-standing success. So why, then, would the one with the most success — Seann William Scott — want to go back to doing the American Pie movies? Can he pre-emptively fire his agent? Like, now?

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selling toys more important than selling movies

Things to thing of so you don’t have to think of a press conference the press isn’t invited to

if you can't sell something like this, you can't make a movie. great message.

if you can't sell something like this, you can't make a movie. great message.

We all thought it. We all figured this was how Hollywood worked. Now, we know for sure Hollywood doesn’t care about its movies, only its merchandising. Disney is putting anything that can’t sell a toy on the back-burner, even a potentially profitable franchise-type idea like The Proposal 2. The original terrifyingly made 10 times its budget, which at just about any other studio, would immediately call for a sequel and the resulting apocalypse. Not at Disney. Not anymore. Unless it’s a big-budget blockbuster or a movie that can sell toys, don’t bother pitching it to The Mouse. We’re treading on dangerous ground here. When there are only five studios in Hollywood in 2030 and we’re paying $35 to see a matinee of Transformers 22, you know where it started.

Since when is bringing on George Lucas as a fill-in director a good thing? Probably when he’s the producer. the last non-Star Wars thing he directed was American Graffiti — in 1973. That’s 37 years if you’re checking. 37 effing years! And those Star Wars movies he directed episodes 1, 2 and 3? They sucked! George Lucas sucks! OK, so maybe the third didn’t totally suck. But the first two did. I’d say he’s lost his touch, but it’s not off the wall to say he never had a touch. Just because he directed the original Star Wars shouldn’t give him a pass for the rest of his stinky career. The man’s a menace.

When we’re all sitting around on March 7, the day after the Oscars, complaining on how it was same-old-same-old, just remember the producers actually tried to make things interesting by bringing in Sacha Baron Cohen as the host. At first, that idea takes some getting used to. We’ve actually seen Cohen as himself about five times, ever, and they’re never funny. But think for a minute about what he could do, having Borat interrupt the acceptance speech of Sandra Bullock to try and kiss her, have Bruno on the red carpet and Ali G interviewing George Clooney in a pre-taped bit. That’s gold, and I’m just thinking off the top off my head. The chances of the Academy approving him were in the negative numbers.

There’s a good chance some people in the Poconos could be getting some money thanks to the end of an investigation into Bruce Springsteen ticket prices. Many of the tickets being refunded are from shows that were at Giants Stadium last year, so it’s pretty easy to believe some local Springsteen fans are entitled to some money. It’s safe to say Ticketmaster picked the wrong act to do this to. Springsteen fans are, for the most part, educated adults getting into their 40s and 50s who know how to navigate a ticket conspiracy. And if their master ever found out? Watch out. And that’s exactly what happened here. Some people raised a stink, knew enough to contact their local state and federal representatives, who knew enough to call the press, which got The Boss involved, and viola! Ticketmaster is on the hook for $1 million. Next time, Ticketmaster, stick to Britney Spears fans.

you made my childhood better.

you made my childhood better.

First, Christopher Nolan was brought on to mentor whatever Superman movie comes next. Now, James Cameron is acting as godfather to the Spider-Man reboot, but with what seems to be a better reason than Nolan. Spider-Man will be done in 3-D, and Cameron now sits atop the Hollywood perch as the King of 3-D. He will remain in that seat until someone does something better than Avatar, and that’s probably not going to happen anytime soon. So if you want his help, you gotta go kiss the ring. Spider-Man director Marc Webb wants his help. It’s a better fit for Cameron because he doesn’t have anything coming in the pipeline, he was the first director to nearly bring Spider-Man to the big screen back in the 90s and Spider-Man has a release date. Meanwhile, no one knows if there will ever be another Superman movie, Nolan is finishing up his summer movie Inception and is starting on Batman 3 and he had no comic-book experience until Batman. the moves sound like a good idea for Spider-Man and iffy for Superman. And what’s with all this mentoring anyway? Does every comic book franchise need some kind of teacher? Will people be looking to Lynda Carter when the Wonder Woman movie comes to fruition someday?

Here’s what we’ve come to in this new age of rebooting franchises — you have to make sure people know your sequel isn’t a reboot. GI Joe 2? It’s not going to be a reboot. Whew! Hopefully that means we’ll get more sinister-sounding lines from Cobra Commander like, “Ha ha ha. You and what army?” Sweet! Don’t be surprised if you see Joseph Gordon-Levitt is in court in the next couple months trying to get out his contract to make the sequel.

sri and lloyd, sittin' in a tree ...

sri and lloyd, sittin' in a tree ...

Think in your head right now in very broad strokes about what you believe the next season of Entourage will include. Go ahead … take a couple seconds … got something? Good, now read this. Isn’t that exactly what you would have thought? Are these guys even trying anymore? Cut from the article must have been “E finds keeping with Vince’s needs and a new girlfriend difficult,” “Drama will be annoying and needy” and “Ari will dump his wife and marry Lloyd.” The last one I made up. But wouldn’t that be more interesting than the same kinds of plots seven years running?

Somehow, I missed this when it was announced in January, but no longer. Friday Night Lights comes back April 30, which is two-plus long months away. But it’s better than NBC’s original announcement last year of waiting until the summer to air it. The amount of respect NBC has for the show is just about nil since it has five new hours to program starting in a week or so and doesn’t want to bother bringing in FNL to fill that. Appalling.

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the tv bubble

It won’t be until May that we start getting a look at next year’s TV schedules.

But this is the time when network executives start getting ideas in their heads about what shows they’re keeping and what shows they’re getting rid of. The CW made some early pick-ups yesterday to make sure fans knew shows like Vampire Diaries, 90210 and others were coming back next year.

No one will be making any more announcements about show fate until after the Olympics, and possibly not even until April to give bubble shows a chance to get back on their feet after being gone for a couple weeks. But here is the case for five shows currently sitting on the bubble:

congratulations, olivia. you've been upgraded to "somewhat tolerable." who woulda thunk it?

congratulations, olivia. you've been upgraded to "somewhat tolerable." who woulda thunk it?

Fringe: It surprised me to see this show on the list of endangered species — probably because I’ve enjoyed it so much this year. After a year-and-a-half of people anointing it the next X-Files, it finally has become its true successor, a mix of scary circumstances, excellent writing and much-improved acting. I haven’t screamed “GO TO HELL, PACEY!” once this year. Not once! Normally I’m involved in the serialization of a show much more than the weekly procedural stuff, but I’d be perfectly fine if they never mentioned William Bell again or never put Olivia and Peter in compromising situations again and just focused on the wacky adventures of the Fringe Division. But why would Fox have a problem with this show? It’s apparently improved the Thursday ratings from the last couple years and it makes a pretty good companion piece to Bones. Sure, it gets trounced by Grey’s Anatomy and CSI every week, but what did Fox expect? It didn’t exactly pull in bang-bang ratings on Tuesdays last season, so why would it get them on TV’s most brutal night? The fact that it beats The Office/30 Rock should be enough for Fox. Keep it and move it if you want, but there’s no reason to cancel a show that has done everything it conceivably could, both critically and commercially. SHOULD IT COME BACK? Yes

24: Another surprising find on the list, even though the writing is on the wall. 24 should be like Joe Paterno — he gets to go when he wants to go. I’m not suggesting Jack wears out his welcome and sticks around for 50 years to the point where the terrorist will be 45-year-old Dev Patel, but it’s got to end at some point. And the sooner, the better, because 24 has lost its urgency. We no longer worry about Jack being tortured, we know he’s going to find his way out of it, no matter how complex the situation is. And that’s the problem — we don’t fear Jack’s death. Even when Audrey stabbed him a couple weeks ago, we might as well have been quoting Holy Grail: “‘Tis but a scratch.” Plot out some strategy, let everyone know this will be the end, and just end it gracefully — if that’s even possible anymore. People will tune in to see if Jack lives or dies, just like they tuned in to the Sopranos to see if Tony lived or died. 24 requires such an attention span and commitment that unless it’s the best show around, people aren’t going to be watching. That day is coming awfully soon. SHOULD IT COME BACK? Yes, for one more highly publicized year.

Community: In a decade marred with decisions that rank right up there with the XFL, give credit to NBC for one thing — it’s been very good on sticking with the Thursday comedy lineup because of its quality and hasn’t just blown everything up because it comes in fourth in the ratings every week. The network could do that in a heartbeat and no one would blame them. That dedication has given us one of the critical success stories of the year in Community, which is truly starting to give somewhat bland seasons of The Office and 30 Rock — the secret return of Dennis last week notwithstanding on 30 Rock — a run for their money. At least in quality. when NBC dumped My Name is Earl last year, the only way to accept it was wait until the fall to see if what was replacing it was better. Well, Community is better than the last two years of Earl. If NBC does decide to give up on Community — and again, we can’t blame it if it does — it better make sure there is something coming in the pipeline just as funny. Otherwise, it’s a disservice to us all. NBC has an extra five hours a week to program now, so unless a show is completely tanking, it will probably be back on the schedule next year. SHOULD IT COME BACK? Yes because there is no way NBC would come up with something funnier unless Modern Family all of a sudden wants to jump networks.

V: How can we know if V is headed in the right direction or not? It’s only been on for four episodes! Granted, those four episodes haven’t exactly been Mad-Men-esque, but for a high-concept, character-driven action piece that hasn’t even really made its big reveal yet when the aliens declare war on the puny earthlings, it hasn’t been bad. Not everything can be 24, where if you weren’t sucked in by the first four episodes of season 1, your family may have called the doctor to make sure you were really conscious. ABC’s decision to delay the return from February sweeps to March 30 is about as smart as Lloyd Christmas since people already were complaining about the two-month layoff in the first place. Now four months? That’s a month for every episode they’ve shown already! Weird. It’s like it’s being set up to fail. I’m OK with waiting, but it just seems like it’s going to get gobbled up by everything else coming back around then. SHOULD IT COME BACK? Not sure yet. Ask again in mid-April.

hey? where did my show go?

hey? where did my show go?

FlashForward: As a viewer, forget about what you feel about the show for a second, whether you like it or not. Think about it from the perspective of the people making it for a second, specifically former showrunner David Goyer, the man who co-created it. He’s also the co-writer of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight and whether he was locked-in contractually to write Batman 3 when he signed on for FF is immaterial. But when he approached ABC about FF, the question must have come up — what about your commitment to Batman? He obviously gave them a satisfactory answer. “I’ll be writing it, but I’m going to make time for the show” or something along those lines. He even let someone else be showrunner, probably at the prodding of ABC, just in case he got the Nolan invite away to write Batman 3. Then the first showrunner quit and left Goyer in charge of THE SHOW HE CREATED. Please keep that in mind. It was his show, the show he conceivablyspent months/years conceptualizing, writing, directing, pitching, casting and bringing to TV. It was his baby. Before ABC let him take over, they must have asked him again: What’s the deal with Batman 3? He again must have said, “I can do it on the show’s break.” No way ABC lets him take over its most prominent freshman show without some kind of assurance in that spirit. So what happens? About three months into his new job of leading the show he dreamed up, he decided to dump it off on someone else and move on to Batman 3, giving the show three bosses before the 11th episode has aired. Taking all of that into account — is this the kind of show you want to invest your time in on one of the most crowded time slots on TV? A show whose creator wants nothing to do with it? If this show comes back for a second season — and right now, that’s a huge if — it won’t look anything like this season. That, actually, good be a good thing. SHOULD IT COME BACK? No. It’s become a mess of plotholes, miscast actors and misguided plot twists that don’t matter to the essential point of the show, and it doesn’t seem like that will be changing.

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too fat to fly?

Because I’m incapable of venting about this anywhere else, I spent my Valentine’s Day with a nasty, monstrous stomach flu and my wife spent my birthday Monday with the same stomach flu so I was on baby/bedmaster/housecleaner duty all day. Fun! I blame all the sick weight racers.

Anyway, that’s why I couldn’t blog yesterday. And because there was no way I working on my birthday.

So it’s time to play catch-up:

woooooo! I got kicked off a plane! wooooooo!!!

woooooo! I got kicked off a plane! wooooooo!!!

Maybe Kevin Smith needs to get himself into the Great Pocono Weight Race after being thrown off a flight because he was too, umm, fat. I’m a little more sensitive to these kinds of issues now after getting to know our weight racers, but I’m angry at the timing — this story is coming out at the same time his new movie Cop Out is about to hit theaters and the more I see of the movie, the more I think it’s going to need all the publicity it can get. The trailers seem like the antithesis of funny, and now that I’m looking at its pedigree, I’m even more concerned. It’s Smith’s first movie he’s directing that he didn’t write, an experience that apparently went so well the next three projects he has lined up he’ll going back to being writer/director. The guys who did write it — Philly’s Cullen Brothers -- haven’t ever written a big-time movie before and were responsible for the vastly underwhelming NBC show Heist. So it’s a bunch of Philly-Jersey guys getting together to make a movie. Other than Always Sunny, that doesn’t ever seem to go well. At least Willis was involved the last time it did in Unbreakable.

(24 spoiler alerts from last night) I’d have to undergo surgery too if someone had attached jumper cables to my testicles. Even if it was fake! Apparently that was Jack Bauer’s only body part 24 producers thought hadn’t been used to corrupt him in torture. Must have been a fun discussion to come up with it finally. “Arms? No, did that in season 2. Toes? No, we got those too. Nipples? Geez, don’t you remember? That was season 5? Oh, screw it. Testicles it is.”

This is it for Barbara Walters and her pre-Oscar show. In some circles, this is probably big news. There must be people who think of the show as being just as important as the Oscars and tune in every year, but I’ve never seen one because I can’t deal with butt-kiss questions like, “So Sandra Bullock, what does it mean to be a star?” or horse manure like that. I’m pretty sure I haven’t missed anything.

do twilight fans even know who quentin tarantino is?

do twilight fans even know who quentin tarantino is?

In the “duh” category of the day, the last Twilight book is going to be broken up into two movies. So instead of making $500 million on one movie, it’s going to make $1 billion on two movies. The road to this was paved by Harry Potter using the same strategy for Deathy Hallows, but could it first owe some gratitude to Quentin Tarantino? Isn’t this what happened with Kill Bill? It was done out of necessity more than anything else, no one has time or inclination to sit through a four-hour movie, so Miramax decided to split it in two and hope for the best. On a $30 million budget, the two combined to make $330 million worldwide, a figure the studio couldn’t have dreamed of if it were one movie. When a movie makes 11 times its budget, Hollywood takes notice.

Speaking of Quentin, you don’t always have to understand what the hell he’s talking about to be excited for one of his upcoming projects. Such is the case with his western slavery idea. Maybe I just need to read that article a couple more times, but it doesn’t seem to make sense. Whatever. I didn’t fully grasp all the moving parts in the descriptions for Inglourious Basterds, and that turned out like gangbusters.

Because there doesn’t seem to be an end to Hollywood reboots, we give you the Vacation franchise. I think we’re now at about 20 franchises that were run into the ground in the first place that are getting ready to be rebooted again. I have to blame Community for this one. We were all happy with Chevy Chase living his life as a completely irrelevant for the 21st century, but his praised “Hey, look at me!” role in Community has put him back on the radar and made him a legitimate option to continue these kinds of things. Now he’s making Super Bowl commercials and bringing back old movie characters. Maybe we can bring up the idea again of Kevin Smith rebooting Fletch too.

USA’s has a definitive goal in mind and they’re working to it — have original programming on every weeknight. They’ve started the process with this viewing cycle, going Raw-White Collar-Psych-Burn Notice from Monday-Thursday for the first all-original week they’ve had. But in doing that, they’re moving some of their show from established spots, like taking In Plain Sight from its comfortable Sunday spot where viewers have gotten used to it for two years and moving it to Wednesdays where it will be competing directly with CSI: NY (a very similar procedural) and on the same night with Idol and ABC’s family comedy night. Last year I complained because it went up against Mad Men, but USA moved the premiere date back to March and it still effed up the lineup. And that original programming idea isn’t going very well so far, so bang-up job all around.

One show high on the list of TV shows I’ve always wanted out on DVD finally is coming to DVD — the MTV somewhat spin-off of Beavis and Butthead, Daria. Admittedly, I was standoffish to the show when it premiered, and it took a Presidents Day marathon in 1998 or ‘99 to turn me into a fan. Later, it was a late-night staple for my wife and on Nickelodeon’s Noggin and I realized it was one of the truly brilliant shows of the 90s, a more educated look at high school than the one-note — a very, very funny one note — joke of B&B. So I’m glad to see Daria finally is coming to DVD, it will be just as relevant to high-school eggheads now as it was then. Maybe the crowd that has gravitated to Glee will make its way to Daria.

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the remake police are on patrol

Still not sure how to feel about the We Are the World remake we’ll see tonight during the Opening Ceremonies of the Winter Olympics.

It’s probably the perfect confluence of circumstances — Michael Jackson’s death, the Haiti relief effort and the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony — to bring it back, but it just has the feel of a song that shouldn’t be touched. We’re entering an era where everything has already been done, so remakes in music, movies and TV are going to be an even bigger part of pop culture. We’ve seen it in for years starting to creep in, and it’s going to keep happening with far greater frequency. During that time, we’re going to have to fight to protect the originals that should stay original unless we want to end up every day thinking, “Don’t forget your booties, cuz it’s cold out there today!”

But is We Are the World one of those songs? Should we be in favor of the new version of We Are the World or not? Here’s the original to refresh your memory.

IN FAVOR OF REMAKING IT

is it just me or is lionel richie not aging?

is it just me or is lionel richie not aging?

--It’s not that good a song. It was written in haste and seems like a 12-year-old crack baby could have written it. If I was Lionel Richie, I’d look back on it and cringe remembering I had a part in writing it. Then again, he’s the same guy who wrote Dancing on the Ceiling and he’s never apologized for that or its corresponding video, so maybe he just doesn’t have any shame. Who knows? But there is room for improvement. Whether Kanye is going to be an improvement or not is any one’s guess. Can we please keep Dan Aykroyd away from this one though? Great.

--It’s perfect timing. Let’s all agree that we’re sick of Michael Jackson tributes, OK? OK. That doesn’t make us monsters or disrespectful, but it seemed like the Grammys was the perfect place to put the whole Michael Jackson thing to bed for good, or at least until the death anniversaries start coming around. But if there had to be one more tribute, this seems like the perfect way to pay final respects to Jackson — with the $60 million charity song that never would have happened unless he got involved. After this, it’s over. For a while.

--It’s been long enough. Anyone under 20 couldn’t name more than 10 of the 40+ people that took part in it so it’s pretty irrelevant at this point. Even people who lived through it in the age range of 35-50 probably can name only about half of the people. Don’t lie. You couldn’t pick Sheila E. out of a police lineup, let alone in a room of almost 50 music superstars. And Dan Aykroyd. This generation can have a new version if they want it.

AGAINST REMAKING IT

--It’s sacred. Band Aid came first, but this was the perfection of the “group charity song.” It’s been tried, but nothing else has ever come close to this, the only thing that rivaled it was Sending Our Love Down the Well. I can’t imagineanything will ever have the look, feel and immediacy of We Are the World — including tonight’s remake. So to remake it is for everyonetaking part in it to admit their inferiority. Each person doing it needs to know they will be compared to the original singer of the line, and I don’t think MileyCyrus wants to put herself up against Stevie Wonder. That’s a fight she’s not winning. Maybe she can request Darryl Hall’s line.

odds bruce shows up for this one: 1 trillion to 1

odds bruce shows up for this one: 1 trillion to 1

--What we saw in the video was the finished product. What we didn’t see was the infamous infighting between the spoiledbabiesover who’s singing what line — until the good ol’ Boss (according to Pop-Up Video) had to step up and put them all in their places. Is there going to be that kind of fighting again? And if there is, why bother? I can’t listen to the original now without getting angry at how ridiculous it must have sounded to hear these idiots pitching a fit over a Swahili line.

--It makes me feel old. Remakes are for stuff that happened when my parents were kids, not for stuff when I was a kid. Therefore, nothing post-70s should ever be remade, ever, or I come dangerously closer to just buying some black socks, tighty-whiteys and moving to a retirement village. Hard to believe no one was thinking of me when they decided to remake this, isn’t it?

I guess it’s OK to remake it, just don’t expect me to like it. Feel free to debate in the comments whether it should be remade or not, and what your favorite memory of the original is.

A couple extra links:

ah, memories

ah, memories

When the stranded-on-a-desert-island question turns to music, one of the first albums I’ll always count on is The Chronic, so it pains me that Dre isn’t getting paid for royalties on it and hasn’t for almost 15 years. Even though the album essentially killed good rap music forever, The Chronic was right in my wheelhouse, released during my senior year of high school and churning out hits in the magical summer between high school and college. Every party I went to that year, it was being played. We listened to it about 30 times during Senior Week at the Jersey shore. Nuthin’ But a G Thang was forever my on-call karaoke song just in case I ever got loaded enough to go on stage, including my brother Erik’s 21st birthday party when he couldn’t even stand up, but was able to perform Snoop’s lines somewhat coherently. The music business is hard enough these days without having people not being rightly paid for the work they did. Good luck, Dre.

Lots of summertime jockeying for box office position going on. Some for this year, some for next year. The really interesting one is the 2012 releases of the new Spider-Man and Star Trek 2 within a week of each other. Someone is blinking on that one, and I’m going with Spider-Man, which will end up being moved to May 3, 2013. Marvel already has the summer staked out with Avengers so it’s going to start looking to the future and there’s just too much riding on Spider-Man to take chances.

The only time I’ve ever relented and gone to see a chick flick on Valentine’s Day was Great Expectations in 1998. Suffice it to say, I will never be making that mistake again. So if you’re like me and looking for a different kind of Valentine’s Day movie, then this is a good list for you, filled with tons of great movies — none of which contain Drew Barrymore.

One last reminder to check out a live fitness chat at 12:30 today, where all your fitness and dieting questions will be answered.

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live chat and the end of friday night lights

Running a little short on time today, so one quick plug then on to some abbreviated links:

Friday at 12:30 p.m. we’re having a live fitness chat in conjunction with the Great Pocono Weight Race. Elevations Health Club trainer April Pansy will be online answering all of your fitness questions, and I’ll be along for the ride moderating. She’s going to be available for as long as people have questions (within reason) so if you’ve always wanted to ask a personal trainer questions about how to properly exercise, how to drop a couple pounds or how to diet but didn’t have the money, now you’ll have the opportunity to do it. April is really looking forward to it, so try to make it back tomorrow afternoon if you can.

Now links:

still a funny guy

still a funny guy

Some people are always “on.” No matter when you catch them, no matter where they are, they have something funny or cool to say. Everyone knows a couple people like that, but in the Hollywood world, it’s tough to come by because we associated certain people with a certain persona they play on the big or small screen. I distinctly remember being utterly crushed as a 9-year-old during some stupid “Salute to George Peppard” special that I sat through for an hour to see him talk and say cool things like “I love it when a plan comes together” — only he talked for about 30 seconds and walked off the stage. Great. But John Mayer is one of the guys who’s always on. The guy is a riot, no matter where you see him interviewed. the one-episode John Mayer show on VH1 from about seven years ago remains one of the most surprisingly funny things I’ve ever seen. But to keep coming up with quick, witty, material, sometimes you get a little too comfortable and go a little too far, and that’s exactly what happened to Mayer. Let this be a lesson to all celebrities — even though you’re funny, you could be setting yourself up for problems if you don’t keep a close ear on what you say.

American Idol is somewhere between “a scourge on American culture” and “the reason I’ll ultimately end up dropping out of society to live in a cabin in the woods.” Somewhere in there. That’s why it’s conflicting to hear Howard Stern talk about the rumors that he may take Simon Cowell’s spot — rumors he started, by the by. Would Stern’s presence make me want to watch? Probably not — I hate Idol that much. But even if he never takes over, he’s already got enough people upset that it’s generating buzz for Idol whether he’s there or not. I’ve stayed quiet on the rumors for the week because I know exactly why he started this crap, so he can campaign for it on the radio show and grab a little attention. But until Fox says something — either confirming or denying — this story is nothing. We should all treat it that way, including the Parents Television Council.

Seems like every movie that even has the potential to be a blockbuster is going to be released in 3-D, so it’s not surprising the Spider-Man reboot will be too. It’s also not surprising that a true visionary — someone like James Cameron — had to be the first person in Hollywood to take a chance on 3-D before everyone else followed suit. Then again, Cameron and Avatar could be the reasonwe lost out on having Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire involved in the fourth movie. I’ll buy that. Raimi had been establishing a reputation for the Spider-Man movies being the most visually stunning productions around. So when Avatar blows Spidey out of the water, the natural reaction is to want to do better and to make sure everyone is on board to want to make it better. When the studio isn’t, there’s a problem. Instead of putting yourself through a world of pain, just walk away. Gotta admire the guy for doing that.

hey, we at least got five years with them

hey, we at least got five years with them

The fact that Friday Night Lights even made it to a fifth year is incredible. So how can anyone be sad that it’s going to end after that fifth season? It’s more than any fan of the show could possibly have dreamed and it’s been blessing to have it in our lives this long. It’s like having a dog you really love stick around for three extra years after the vet claims he’s only got six months to live. You’re sad when the day finally comes, but you’ve prepared yourself for it and you’ve enjoyed every day with him since then. Making it to a fifth season also qualifies it to be discussed in the greatest shows of all time, since that’s about how long a show needs to stay on the air to make the discussion. Off the top of my head, it would probably inch toward my top 10 of all time as long as these next two seasons don’t suck.

When Martin Scorsese talks, you listen. He could be talking about foreign policy on Bolivia, but you listen. Good news — he’s not talking about Bolivia in this interview. That’s the great part about Scorsese in interviews — he’s always talking about movies. Why can’t all celebrities do that? Why this infernal need to try and sound ed-you-mah-kated by talking about something other than the thing we pay hundreds of a dollars a year to see you do? I’ll never understand it.

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snowy links

Don’t be fooled by the somewhat passable roads this morning. It’s nasty out. Stay home if you can and enjoy these links:

Take that theater owners! If you want to bitch and moan about how much you’re taking it up the tailpipe (yes, I watched Liar, Liar this weekend — twice) by the big, bad Hollywood movie studios, then those Hollywood studios that you need more than they need you will take their toys and go somewhere else — like DVD. Alice in Wonderland is going to be the first major movie release to tinker with the traditional Hollywood system of letting a movie completely burn out in the theaters ad instead take it out at its prime. Whether this is something movie theaters should be worried about or not, we don’t know yet. This is a special, family-friendly case that’s guaranteed to make a ton on DVD once it comes out. So why not get it out on DVD for the summer when the kids are home? It’s the perfect time to try this, and the perfect movie to do it with. Theater owners will be watching this, you can bet on that.

not so super anymore

not so super anymore

We already knew yesterday that Christopher Nolan was starting to get to work on his third Batman. Now even better news — he’s going to the Michael Corleone of the next Superman. Or at least Tom Hagen. Either way, he’s going to have something to say when it comes to making the next Superman, whenever Warner Brothers decides to make another. No idea of when that could be. Watching all these studios fail in bringing our favorite characters to the screen then asking for an immediate do over is kinda … weird. I’m starting to not be in favor of this practice.

It dawned on me late last night while scrolling through tonight’s TV lineup to make sure my DVR was set accordingly that tonight was the last Jay Leno Show. My exact reaction: “Huh.” And then I kept scrolling and I hadn’t thought about it again until it was the top story on Yahoo’s headlines this morning. It was about as anticlimactic as the end of Die Hard 3. Leno even botched his exit from his own show! Not a good couple weeks for Jay Leno and this “comedy” bit doesn’t really help matters. Seriously, getting Trump to do “You’re fired!”??? Even the Where’s the Beef lady must hate Jay Leno!

Wait, if I still haven’t even bothered to watch Mission Impossible III, then why am I excited for Mission Impossible IV? This will be an interesting experiment. Mission Impossible III did OK business, nothing special, especially in the states and in comparison to MI2. But two major factors have changed since the time it was released. 1. JJ Abrams is major-league player now. Back in 2006, he was the guy who made Felicity, Alias and Lost and was making peanuts for MI3 because he was just a TV guy trying to prove himself in movies. Now he’s got the controls to the Enterprise and he brought Tom Cruise back to Paramount. He’s now a guy whose movie you go to see because he did it. 2. Tom Cruise isn’t nearly as crazy as he was in 2006 when he went off the deep end crazy. Stanley Spadowski had it more together than Cruise on the talk show circuit in 2006. He’s since made Valkyrie and has a pretty sure bet for a hit with Knight and Day this summer, so he’s back in America’s good graces. Or at least he will be by next summer when it will be taking on Pirates of the Caribbean 4 and Hangover 2. Pretty tall order.

Man, Kings of Leon are still around? Isn’t that going to end anytime soon? At least take them off Alt Nation, please. But it sounds just about right that the first time a side stage act graduates to the main stage at the country’s biggest music fest is the first year that people will really start sounding off that the festival “isn’t what it used to be.” At least that’s my guess. It’s turning in to just another corporate gig, you might as well be playing in front of Apple’s research team. The days of me planning to someday get to Bonnaroo are over. Now the days of me wishing I could have gotten to Bonnaroo five years ago have begun. Good times. If you don’t believe me, then take a gander at how exactly they decided to unveil the lineup.

holy poop that's a sad looking mask. is it too late to get rid of it?

holy poop that's a sad looking mask. is it too late to get rid of it?

There was just no way the box office summer of 2011 was going to stay intact, and it’s getting blown up more every day. Marvel screwed with its lineup, first bumping Avengers to 2012 and then the next Spider-Man movie. Now Disney is blinking on Cars 2 — even though it called dibs on that release date two years ago — and moving it to December 2011. With the addition of Green Lantern to the schedule one week after Cars 2 and Tranny 3 on its heels after that, someone was going to blink, and Cars 2 wasn’t going to beat those big action movies. Plus, Kung Fu Panda 2 was coming out the week before. Those two weren’t surviving so close together, someone had to move. The date is open now, but it’s too crowded to expect anything to jump in immediately and take its spot. A comedy maybe? How soon can Judd Apatow churn out Knocked Up 2? What’s he need, a week? Two months?

The first thing I look for in an actress ready to take on the lead role in one of the biggest barrier-breaking TV shows for women is someone who doesn’t know the theme song. “Something incorporated” Jessica Biel says. So can you please find someone different if you’re going to go through with the ridiculous idea of a Laverne and Shirley movie? I know I’m a dork who’s watched too much TV, but that’s already insulting to me that Biel doesn’t know the theme to Laverne and Shirley. Even if that’s a pretty hard word — hasenfeffer, if you’re checking — at least take shot. I can excuse that, but “da da da” when it’s actually them counting? Inexcusable, unless she doesn’t know how to count, which is always a possibility. The theme would be in my top 20 TV themes of all time, and it may creep into the top 10:

NBC should try everything it can to get some of its old magic back, and if that means going back to recognizable faces from the 80s and 90s, so be it. Paul Reiser isn’t exactly Jerry Seinfeld, but at least it’s someone who will bring viewers to the network. Mad About You wasn’t my favorite show, but at least it was different. And that’s what NBC needs right now to establish a second comedy night it desperately needs right now.

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and your swimsuit cover model is …

Catch-up time since I missed yesterday:

and you guys are ... ?

and you guys are ... ?

If you gave me 100 guesses to pick the movie that would have knocked Avatar from the top of the box office chart, Dear John probably would have ranked somewhere around 82nd. It wouldn’t have even been the movie I picked last weekend. But I got a text from my buddy Stan who does freelance security at a local movie theater who told me all the Friday night shows for Dear John were sold out. I should have been the poster child for not answering texts while driving because I almost drove off the road. Almost as surprising was the fact that From Paris with Love tanked, although it seems the world is rightfully and officially done with John Travolta as some kind of demented mad man. Good for us!

not the same as it used to be.

not the same as it used to be.

The advent of easy, free access to porn on the Internet, Victoria Secrets catalogs and the rise of men’s magazines like Maxim has rendered the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue almost completely irrelevant on the cultural radar. But in case you’re wondering, the cover model is Brooklyn Decker. Doesn’t exactly have the same kind of oomph as Kathy Ireland, TyraBanks or some of the other previous cover models, does it? There is no way I’d advocate that teen boys should be subject to the same kind of rules and limitations as I was in the 80s and early 90s, but it’s hard to describe exactly what the euphoric feeling was when that swimsuit issue came delivered to my door every year right around my birthday. There really was nothing like it.

Kansas isn’t exactly on the PopRox radar, but just in case anyone in downtown Stroudsburgwas wondering why they couldn’t hear slight reverberations of Dust in the Wind tomorrow night, the show has been canceled. Carry on, my wayward sons. Was that enough Kansas knowledge-dropping? Good.

Seeing as I was off yesterday and any Super Bowl insight is two days late, I won’t bother. But here is where the sports world intersects with the pop culture world on the news that the Super Bowl was the most watched show ever. The funny part of that story is the writer had the foresight to call Alan Alda to give the eulogy for the series finale of M*A*S*H. For some reason that cracks me up. “Hey, Alan, can you talk about the show you haven’t been on for 30 years? Thanks!” We probably should have seen this Super Bowl rating coming since the conference championships sported their highest ratings ever, but I thought that was the Brett Favre factor, I didn’t think it had so much to do with the Saints. The ironic thing is that this doesn’t do that much for CBS, which broadcasted the game and had to deal with the headaches of not being able to increase the ad prices for the game from last year because of the bad economy. It benefits Fox, which gets the game next year, and can charge a trillion dollars for ad time and everyone has to pay it, like it or not. Kinda sucks for CBS.

Although I must say I’m completely and totally shocked at the Letterman-Leno ad for The Late Show with David Letterman. I was out watching the game, so I didn’t get a terribly good look at it, but I would have swore Leno was somehow CGI’d in there. Or something. I never, ever would have guessed those two would have ever worked together again. It’s a great move for Leno, who has taken a major hit in the last couple months and has lost just about every ounce of credibility he’s had in the comedy world. Now? There are millions of people once again who believe he’s got a sense of humor.

About three years ago, a 24 movie would have been pretty much the coolest thing ever. Now? The show just isn’t what it used to be. We want it to be, we hope it can be, but it just isn’t. It’s still great TV — it’s just not as addicting as it used to be. We all get the been-there-done-that feeling from Jack Bauer — until Renee accidentally stabs him in the tummy and we’re all left gasping. But that’s short-lived. Then we’re back to where we just hang around for a couple months waiting for something to happen and wading through weird B-stories of hot chicks helping douchebags steal from the police. And that’s where we are in the state of 24 right now. So pardon us if we’re not jumping for joy. If anyone is angry at this, it’s got to be Freddie Prinze Jr. He was obviously brought on this year to someday take Kiefer Sutherland’s place on the show and keep thefranchise going. Sutherland goes through the 24 motions on a weekly basis just biding his time until he can sit back and collect his executive producer paycheck and not have to get stabbed in the stomach anymore. Tough to blame him. Since he doesn’t have a contract for next year, this would have seemed like the perfect season to kill him off and let Prinze take over. But with the movie in the works, you can’t kill Jack off and now if Sutherland wants his movie check, he’s got to keep Jack-ing it up until the movie is ready. Sucks to be him.

good luck finding their chemistry again

good luck finding their chemistry again

Mr. and Mrs. Smith ranks fairly near the top of movies I didn’t think I’d like that I absolutely loved, so hearing it’s already getting the reboot treatment is a little weird. It’s only a couple years old! The next logical step is to remake movies before they’re released. So watch for the hastily produced Shutter Island remake this weekend before the real one comes out the next week.

Take this piece of news as either good or bad, it’s up to you. FlashForward show-runner David Goyer is leaving the show immediately to concentrate on writing the third Batman movie. Well, the third Christian Bale Batman movie. You could either cheer and say, “Hooray, they’re finally starting to make the next Batman!” which would put it on target for a summer 2012 release. Or you can be p!ssed off that FlashForward is getting yet another boss after just a handful of episodes. The choice is yours. Something needs to be done with that show, though, it’s a mess of a mess that doesn’t seem to make much sense at all.

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