A Celtic Wedding

I love it when the piper leads you into the ceremony.

There are countless cultural traditions that can be a source of inspiration for a wedding, but one of my very favorites is the Celtic, or Irish heritage. I’m not sure why, but there seem to be more rituals, customs and literary sources to draw from than just about any other group. There is a very strong identity for Irish people, so much so that even those with just a touch of Irish in their families want to tip their hat to this part of their background.

Let’s distinguish between Celtic and Irish, because Celtic encompasses more than just Ireland; it refers to territories in Brittany (the coast of Northern France), Scotland, Wales, Cornwall, Isle of Man, and Ireland. If you go back far enough – Celtic tribes once inhabited land all the way to what is now Germany, Austria, France and Spain, before the Romans. These areas shared cultural traits such as art, history, music, dance, language and literature. Once powerful, most of the Celts were eventually conquered, and left with only Ireland, Scotland and Wales.  They have kept some of their customs alive even while Ireland was under British rule.

What elements could you use to create a Celtic wedding? Many rituals are pagan, meaning coming from the time before the Christian era. If you are a Christian, you may still want use these symbols and rituals in honor of the past. If you are having a religious ceremony, however, you need to discuss this with your clergyperson. Most couples use these earth or nature centered rituals to show their love of nature. However if you are uncomfortable with the pagan aspect, there are other choices, notably music and literature.

Bagpipes – I truly do love them. I especially love it when a piper leads the wedding party down the aisle – procession or recessional! Of course there is plenty of classic Irish music that can be incorporated into your wedding, and anything from the Irish Harp, to fiddles, tin whistles, accordions, and a range of styles from folk to rock, playing jigs, reels, waltzes and polkas. Irish music continues to be popular, with bands like the Cheiftains. Any of this can add some Irish soul to your big day.

Rituals for your ceremony add the Celtic touch. One of the most popular is ‘tying the knot,’ or ‘handfasting’ which is thought to be one of the oldest symbols of marriage. There are different versions of this ritual and different explanations but the basic idea is the wrapping of cords or cloth around the couples’ wrists to bind them together. Historically this may have been for a trial marriage, much like an engagement would be today, but in more modern times it is most commonly used as a symbol of the marriage itself.

The Anam Cara is the ritual language that speaks to the joining of two souls while calling upon the ancient spiritual connection to the elements – fire, water, wind and earth.

The Irish Bell is a great story, sometimes known as the ‘Truce Bell,’ or ‘Saint Patrick’s Bell of Will.’  In this custom a couple is given a bell as a wedding gift, to be used to call a halt to arguing in the marriage. The sound of the bell ringing is to remind them of the gleam in their eye on their wedding day. Your officiant can ring the bell for your first kiss as a married couple at the conclusion of the ceremony! Tiny bells can be given to the guests as well – to help you ring in your new beginning. Similarly there is the Irish Loving Cup, to share the cup of life, and keep the cup for later use.

There is, of course, great literature associated with Irish culture, especially the many versions of the Irish and Scottish Wedding Blessings. There are also special wedding rings, that include Celtic symbols such as squares, spirals and circles, and knots; they all have specific meanings.

Kilts! I adore them! Scottish weddings use the family tartan, as the kilt, or as a sash. The groom can pin or place a sash from his family tartan to his bride as a symbol she’s joining his clan. Authentically every clan has it’s own unique plaid, but go ahead even if you don’t have your own tartan.

These are just a few of the many wonderful Celtic traditions, and there are many more, and that is probably why I love them. With so many to choose from it’s easy to find something that matches every Celtic couple’s personalities.

The tartan as a sash - very cool!

Photos provided by Lois Heckman

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Behind the Veil: Pre-Wedding Jitters

Photo credit: Susie Forrester

Emotions are something we often try to control and tears feel like they can get in the way. But it is perfectly normal to be nervous and tearful before your wedding. In fact, I would be worried about you if you were not somewhat nervous.

Before the big day, and just before that big moment when you walk down the aisle, give yourself permission to feel many things. There are often unrealistic expectations about the dream wedding, and what it will feel like. You think it will be the happiest day of your life, but it’s possible that it may turn out to be the most tiring day of your life. It is not unusual to have doubts, sadness, fear, and many mixed emotions, and there is also that adrenalin rush! While it is the beginning of a new era in your life, it is also the end of one. This is simply true and therefore ok to think about.

You are nervous because it is important. So while you may wish to work out all the little wedding details, the physical aspects of your celebration, do not ignore the psychological aspects and all of your feelings. Many people are just shy being the center of attention and speaking or performing in front of people. You really are in the spotlight on your wedding day!

When caught up in little worries about the day, try re-focusing your thoughts on your partner and the future you envision together. If you’re planning a honeymoon, send your mind to that sunny beach or wherever you’re heading!

Take a nice long walk on the morning of your wedding, and don’t forget to eat breakfast. Stay hydrated, too! When you are at your venue preparing, play soothing music, or have scented candles or other relaxing elements around you. That trendy British expression comes to mind: Keep Calm and Carry On!

However if you have made some discovery about your future spouse, such as drug or alcohol abuse or signs of controlling or other abusive behavior, these are serious and you should consider calling off the wedding. Nerves are one thing, but dread is another.

A wedding celebration is more than food, dancing, flowers and a big party. It is an important milestone in your life, so give it the emotional space it needs and deserves.

Thank you Susie Forrester for the lovely photograph!

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The Well Planned Wedding

These tall centerpieces work beautifully! (photo: Lisa Rhinehart Photography)

If you are getting married you are no doubt excited about taking one of the most important steps in life’s journey. But how do you handle all the ideas and pressures coming at you? You can have your wedding on your own terms, if you approach it thoughtfully. The very first step is to do nothing. Take the time to stop and consider what the two of you really want in your wedding celebration. Do not take a step without some thoughtful consideration. I’m calling this first step: breathe!

Hold onto being engaged for a while without making plans. Unless you have a compelling reason, such as health care, family issues or military deployment, if there is no urgency, take your time in setting a date and booking vendors. If you get ahead of yourselves you may wind up getting behind.

However once you set a date, find and hire your vendors as soon as possible, or you may wind up without the best choices.

I get calls all the time from disappointed couples who want me to officiate only to learn I’m already booked! Ask any good photographer, florist, musician, DJ or officiant like myself. We do book up well in advance.

I recently had a couple reschedule their wedding, moving it a full year later than originally planned because a financial bump in the road. This is a cautionary tale. If you are only one bump away from wedding meltdown, you probably are planning a wedding too big or too soon.

Here are some more ideas to keep in mind when attempting to be sensible about your wedding.

There are no “musts” – other than the legal requirements, that is. Nor are there “shoulds.” You must do this or you should do that are not how happy weddings are created.

Your wedding day is your dream and it’s all about you. NOT. Your wedding day involves everyone who loves you. Don’t be selfish.

Favors are not required, but thank you’s are.

Spend your money on the things that matter most and let go of the rest.

When your head is about to explode from all the wedding details – take a break. Swear off wedding planning for a few days and remember why you are getting married in the first place.

I hope you can keep your sanity when planning your wedding. It doesn’t have to be crazy. You can have a sane and sensible wedding.

Thank you Lisa Rhinehart for the wonderful photograph

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Redefining roles and rules

 

Your attendants can be whoever you want them to be. (Photo Credit: Lisa Rhinehart)

Couples sometimes wonder if the have to do ‘this or that’ for their wedding. I always assure them that for the ceremony there are only three things I consider necessary: that they exchange vows in some way, that I ‘pronounce them’ as married, and that the license is properly signed and sent. Other than that – while there are many traditions and customs – its’ really all up for grabs.

Today many couples are redefining their wedding rituals, especially when it comes to gender roles.

One of the biggest changes I’ve seen is the flexibility of the bridal party or attendants. It is no longer necessary for the bride to have bridesmaids and the groom to have groomsmen.  And for same-sex couples these ‘rules’ go out the window as well. The people who stand up with you for your ceremony should be those who mean the most to you. They are literally standing by you as well as symbolically. I’m hearing terms like ‘best woman’ and ‘best person,’ instead of Maid or Matron of Honor, or Best Man.

The walk down the aisle has new variations. Many women have both their parents escort them and ‘present’ them, not ‘give them away.’ Interestingly this has always been the Jewish custom. Some woman chose to walk alone. More adventurous couples I’ve worked with entered together, and if there are children involved, walking with them is very meaningful.

Some other customs being rethought are: the groom can’t see the bride before the ceremony; the rehearsal dinner; bride’s side/groom’s side seating. And do you have to leave from the wedding directly to go on your honeymoon? I don’t think so.

Many heterosexual couples are learning from same-sex couples how to use more inclusive or gender-neutral language, for their invitations, and especially their ceremony.

Women who don’t like a girly-girl look or care to wear a frilly gown often agonize over the limited choices of bridal looks. Don’t despair. Being comfortable and being yourself is what matters most.  You dress does not define you. And don’t get an ‘up-do’ if it’s not you! Who made the rule that you have to go to the hair salon because you’re getting married? If you love your hair the way you wear it everyday, then wear it that way!

They say that rules are made to be broken, so if you are going to break some of the traditional rules, do it for a good reason, and you’ll be glad you did.

Thank you Lisa Rhinehart for the wonderful photograph

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Rituals are the language of ceremony

There are many kinds of rituals. (Photo: Garth Woods Photography)

Using meaningful, spiritual, or even fun or unusual rituals in your wedding is one good way to express what your commitment means to you. Religious ceremonies are full of rituals, which are specific to their faith traditions. The Stations of the Cross, Confession, Communion, Shabbat candles, as well as prayers or songs are all good examples.

There are secular rituals as well, such as raising the flag, pledging allegiance and even Thanksgiving. And almost every wedding has the rituals of exchanging rings and vows.

Then there are many specific cultural rituals, such as the Japanese tea ceremony, the eastern European bread and salt, the jumping the broom from African-American tradition and breaking the glass in the Jewish wedding.

I want to suggest a few ideas you may want to incorporate no matter what your faith or ethnic background, because, if chosen thoughtfully, rituals add beauty and character to any ceremony.

The Wishing Stone is a wonderfully inclusive ritual that is simple but lovely. Just have guests hold small smooth stones throughout the ceremony. They can write a wish, blessing or message on the stone itself, and then collect and keep them in a jar.

For the more adventurous this is taken directly from the Hindu tradition: The Seven Steps. Remember as modern people we may borrow from cultures everywhere and if this appeals to you perhaps you do this, even if you are not Hindu. The Seven Steps involves walking around a fire or in a circle while the officiant offers the following blessings of vows. These are loosely adapted from the Hindu Ceremony:

1. May this couple be blessed with an abundance of resources and comforts, and be helpful to one another in all ways.

2. May this couple be strong and complement one another.

3. May this couple be blessed with prosperity and riches on all levels.

4. May this couple be eternally happy.

5. May this couple be blessed with a happy family life.

6. May this couple live in perfect harmony… true to their personal values and their joint promises.

7. May this couple always be the best of friends.

If you able to walk around the fire, you will toss small bits of puffed rice into the fire to indicate you agree. You can vary a tradition in many ways. Perhaps just walk around a candle. Traditionally the bride’s sari is tied to the groom’s clothing, but you can simply hold hands!

And my final idea for today’s post is the Arras, or the tradition of the Thirteen Coins which comes from the Hispanic community. There are many variations on this but I have created a modern interpretation where the couple presents to one other the 13 coins. They are a symbol of care and your commitment to support one another. I’m sure you can understand that in earlier times the man gave the woman the coins to show he’d provide for her, but in our modern world we can pledge to care for one another. After all, its many a wife that support the family or puts her husband through school, and visa versa (of course!) Different explanations of the number 13 include that it represents Christ and his 12 apostles, or that thirteen represent the 12 lunar cycles of a year, and the thirteenth coin symbolizes the couple’s honeymoon. You can create many variations on this ceremony.

Let your creativity flow and borrow or invent traditions that work for you!

Thank you Garth Woods for the photo!

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Three big tips for your outdoor wedding

Warm weather has finally arrived in the Poconos and we can’t help turning our thoughts to outdoor weddings!  There is a reason outdoor ceremonies and celebrations are so popular. It is romantic as well as meaningful. Standing under the blue sky, with nature all around, is a dream come true. Whether the setting is fields or mountains, by a lake or stream, in a garden or woods, nothing speaks to our senses like nature. As a photographic backdrop – nothing beats nature either.

Whether you are having just the reception or both the ceremony and reception outdoors there are three very important things to keep in mind.

Photo Credit: Lisa Rhinehart

First and foremost, the obvious: beware of weather! Have a good backup plan. No, make that a great back-up plan. Whether a tent or indoor space, nothing is more important.

And number two: beware of weather! Not just rain, but wind might cause havoc for you and your decorations. Be sure they are heavy enough, or tied down!

Number three: beware of weather! Ok, you get it.

Please consider your guests – their comfort is important. Will it be too hot sitting in the sun? Is it too far for some to walk?

Outdoor weddings can be especially great for children and pets – as both have an opportunity to run around! Just make sure you provide water for them.

If it’s a DIY project – remember to consider what is behind you when setting up.  Try to see it from the photographer’s point of view – what is the focal point? Which way is the sun and will it be in your eyes?

Remember that in the warm weather flowers wilt, and drinks get warm, so plan accordingly.

Electricity. Is there a way to run extension cords and have enough power for musicians, caterers, lighting or other needs? Don’t run all of it off of one circuit.  If a generator is being used, where will it be set, because it will be noisy! And don’t forget about rest rooms.

If you have a large space – use it. Spread out and use a large area by setting up tables in one area, dancing, outdoor games, music, and ceremony all with lots of space between them! Enjoy the outdoors and make the most of it if you are planning an outdoor celebration!

 Thanks as always to Lisa Rhinehart  for the gorgeous photo!

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Timing is everything

What to do between the ceremony and reception ?? (photo credit: Susie Forrester

Two time related topics today: the gap between the ceremony and reception, and the receiving line. Both of these issues impact your guests’ experience because standing around doing nothing is not fun.

If you are having your ceremony at a house of worship, you may have little or no flexibility about the time it will take place. If your desired time slot is too close to regularly scheduled services, or there is another wedding scheduled on your date, you may have to take the time this is offered. Then, if the ceremony and reception are too far apart, what do your guests do in the gap?

Think this one through carefully. Out-of-towners won’t know where to go or what to do, and even locals may struggle. You don’t want them sitting in their car in a parking lot!  So if at all possible, tighten up the time between the ceremony and beginning of the party, usually a cocktail hour.

Give your guests great directions from location to location and if you must have that gap, include some places for them to stop at on the way. But this is still not ideal. After all, folks are usually dressed up for a wedding and stopping for coffee, or to go shopping just feels silly. And who wants to eat before a reception?

If your reason for a longer gap between the ceremony and cocktail hour is for your photos, consider extending your cocktail hour so you, the couple, can still be a part of it. Be clear with your photographer about the amount of time you are willing to give up to do this. There are other photo opportunities and getting to your own party to be with your guests is an important priority. This is one reason many couples are doing some or most photos before the ceremony and why the ‘first look’ photos have evolved.  (I’ll write about ‘first look’ another time.)

Bottom line: when booking venues check with your ceremony location (church, synagogue, mosque, etc) first, then figure out your reception time from there. This is one of the biggest reasons so many couples choose to have their ceremony and reception at the same location. It’s just an all around better experience for the guest.

The receiving line is another time thief. I’m glad this is waning in popularity, because after sitting at the ceremony (and hopefully it was a wonderful experience) most folks are anxious to get a drink, visit a restroom, or start mingling and celebrating. But remember, without a receiving line you have to be very committed to visiting every single guest at your reception. Don’t mess this up!

Sometimes an unintended receiving lines starts, so after the recessional be sure you know where you’re headed. If you stop at the end of the aisle, a line will form!

If you are having a receiving line, consider having drinks and even hors d’œuvres provided by wait staff. Taking it a step further, have your DJ or ceremony musicians continuing with music, something festive and upbeat! Or have some ritual or activity for your guests to participate in as they wait, such as signing a book.

If you want your wedding to be a wonderful experience for your guests think about it from their point of view and you’ll know what to do. Consider what you loved or disliked about wedding you’ve attending, and let experience guide you.

Thank you Susie Forrester  for the great photo!

 

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Why Marriage?

Photo Credit: Susie Forrester

I write a lot about weddings, but a wedding is merely the first step and symbolic transition in something bigger: marriage.  And while I love weddings and creating wedding ceremonies rich with meaning, it the lifetime that follows that matters most.

There’s a beautiful poem by Marge Piercy, an author I’ve always enjoyed, called Why Marry at All?  The piece addresses overcoming old constraints of marriage that limited a woman’s role in life, and celebrating the more modern idea of standing together through life’s challenges as equals. It’s a point of view I agree with completely. Because marriage like all societal constructs has evolved and grown. And this is a good thing.

The institution of marriage probably predates recorded history. Most ancient cultures valued a wife only as property, an idea that held on far too long. Over time, however, both religious organizations and governments began to set out rights and obligations between the spouses. Again, different religions and cultures have different interpretations of this. All agreed that intimate relations and procreation were an expected part of the union. Love between the couple came to be valued much later, really only in modern times.

Today most people choose whether or not to have children, and couples that do not want, or cannot have children, are not shunned, but live a happily married life. Over-population of the planet might figure into this equation as well.

And when many women no longer have to depend on marriage for survival, why would a woman want to get married? In the 1970’s feminists began asking this very question and rejected marriage. But ultimately the bond of love between two people is more powerful than social forces left or right.  And so feminists, too, choose marriage. People seem to just naturally want to pair-up. Most people do not want to be alone.

I believe in marriage because, at its healthiest and best, it creates a place of safety, where two people can grow, as individuals and as a couple. It has proven to promote longevity, stability, health and wellbeing. It also provides legal benefits including tax, social security, employment, medical, family, housing and other types of legal rights that vary from state to state.

The couples I speak with are very committed to equality between them and see their relationships as true partnerships.

This is why I support marriage equality. Gay and lesbian couples deserve all the same legal, spiritual, social, and emotional benefits of marriage. Because today, marriage is better than ever!

Photo credit: Jane Caruso-Dahms

Thank you Susie Forrester and Jane Caruso Dahms, Contemporary Concepts Photography

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Renewing your vows

There are many reasons couples choose to renew their vows, often on a special anniversary milestone. It’s a way to say to each other, and to family and friends: we still mean it! We still love each other and we want the world to know. You may feel closer than ever, having grown and overcome obstacles over the years. Worthy of celebration for sure!

Celebrating love at any age! Photo Credit: Michael Straub Photography

There are many ways to do this, and one of the best things about it is that you get to do it your way.

For some couples their wedding may not have been exactly what they wanted. They made compromises for various reasons. Sometimes it was because the family was paying the bill. It could have been about religion or tradition. Maybe you could not afford a nice celebration. And sometimes it was just all the expectations and social pressure that left you feeling disappointed with your so-called ‘big day’.

Other couples have nothing but the happiest memories of their wedding day and simply want to reaffirm their commitment to continue to be together always.

Whatever the reason, if you are considering renewing your vows – congratulations! From just the two-of-you to a big party, whatever you decide, this time it’s totally up to you!

If you’re more traditional or sentimental consider revisiting your original wedding or honeymoon location, or using some element from your wedding.  Maybe you’d like to do something you couldn’t have way back then; renew your vows on a tropical beach, or other exotic location.

On a spiritual or intellectual level renewing your vows gives you the opportunity to think about your journey, where you’ve been, where you are, and where you still want to go. It is an opportunity to reflect, solidify and deepen your relationship.  It is a time to consider what really matters in life, express appreciation for one another and the people you love.

Make sure you are both on the same page. This should be something both partners really want to do. I have been pleasantly surprised that men are more enthusiastic about it than I would have guessed.

You probably don’t want gifts – but often guests pay no attention what so ever to the ‘no gifts please’ memo, so consider asking for donations to a favorite charity in honor of this special occasion.

Because there is no legal component to a renewal of vows you are free to have anyone be your officiant. You can create your own ceremony in any way you wish! However a trained celebrant like myself can bring a lot of skill and creative ideas to the table.

If renewing your vows is in the cards for you, congratulations on a successful relationship! I hope you have the celebration you truly want.

 

Thank you Michael Straub for the fabulous photo!

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Words Matter

I never get tired of answering the question: what is a celebrant? That’s because I enjoy my work so much and I’m anxious to share the fact that couples outside of traditional settings can still have beautiful and meaningful wedding ceremonies.

Because a wedding is one of the most important days in someone’s life, the ceremony offers the opportunity to express a variety of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It is an opportunity to thank those who supported you throughout your life, your guests who are there to witness your commitment, as well as what this big day means to you. My role is to find the right words and actions that best express what is in the hearts and minds of the couple.

Every couple has a unique story to tell. Along with their personal journey, I enjoy exploring the ethnic, cultural, or faith traditions of the people I work with. Many secular couples are seeking a rich, meaningful ceremony, and that, too, is something I truly enjoy. Five or ten minutes in front of a judge just won’t do.

The joy that words can bring! (photo credit: Rob Lettieri)

I frequently create inter-faith weddings, and it’s marvelous to incorporate elements from different religions. When there are children, I strive to find a way to involve them and make them feel special, and important, because they are. A wedding is more than just the couple uniting, it is families joining together as well.

Most officiants will welcome your input. Even the shortest civil ceremony can greatly benefit with the addition of a meaningful story, reading or special vows. If it has not been offered, ask your officiant for an opportunity to provide input into your ceremony. You may be able to make some changes that matter to you. Sometimes just a few words can make a big difference. Would you want the words ‘love, honor and obey’ in your ceremony? Thankfully, that phrase is almost never used anymore, but it illustrates my point – that words do matter. And when you exchange your vows, you are giving your word, so choose them thoughtfully.

We are fortunate to have amazing wedding venues in the Poconos, and I have enjoyed officiating at so many of them. I know I am contributing to the beauty and meaning of the day, and that is a great feeling, as I learn and grow with each wedding.

Your ceremony is the time to time to say the important things in life. Emerson wrote: ‘Words are also actions, and actions are a kind of words.’ The words that are spoken at your ceremony set the tone for your celebration and are a reflection of your love and life. They should inspire and uplift you. You deserve no less.

 Thank you Rob Lettieri for the photo and my new blog masthead!

 
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