Some thoughts on guest books and other details

By Lois Heckman | Published: June 16, 2013 | 1 Comment

There are many customs and details that you can get caught up in when planning a wedding. Details are important, of course, and sometimes it’s those little details that can make your wedding very special. But don’t be afraid to toss out the things that are stressing you.

For example: the guest book. Are you thinking about having one? It may seem out-of-date, but a guest book is something you might treasure forever. It’s a way to remember who attended your wedding. Its fun to read the messages they shared with you on this important day. It’s a keepsake as well as a list of everyone who attended. It could come in handy for thank you notes! And signing the book is a great icebreaker for your guests as well.

LIsa Rhinehart creates beautiful guest books from the couple's engagement photo shoot.

There are many great new twists on this old tradition. There are stones to sign and place in a wish jar, a picture frame matt to sign, the tree imagine with signatures on the leaves, quilt pieces to be sewn together later. I’ve seen rustic benches to be signed and slices of trees to sign are being used to capture names and messages from guests. And my friend Lisa Rhinehart creates beautiful guests books from the couple’s engagement shoot. But don’t feel you must come up with the coolest guest book ever!

If you are the crafty DIY type – this is a place to really express that. A framed message standing on a tri-pod is an easy way to draw attention to your guest book. Allow plenty of room for writing and supply lots of pens. I know it seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many times I’ve seen a guest book with too little room to write.

Sometimes the best guest book is just that – a book! And if you are a book lover, a romantic or have an old-fashioned side to you, a gorgeous notebook is something that never goes out of style. Some day you may want to take down that framed wedding photo with everyone’s signatures someday, but the book can always remain on your shelf.

So – do you really need a guest book? No, not really. And if you having a photobooth you certainly will have a ‘record’ of your guests in that way.

When you go to a wedding, do you enjoy signing the guest book? If the answer is no, then maybe you shouldn’t have one at your own wedding. The cards you get from your guests are also a record of who attended complete with their wishes, so a book could be redundant.

But it is an old, lovely tradition, and completely optional!

Other details you may or may not want in your wedding include: a cake topper, aisle runner (please don’t use one outdoors), boutonnières for casual weddings, wearing a veil, Wagner’s Bridal Chorus, and programs. However you might really love to have any or all of these things! Trust yourself and choose the details that make sense for you.

 

Do you love books? Then a guest book is perfect for you.

As usual – thank you Lisa Rhinehart for the wonderful photographs

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Summer Wedding Tips

By Lois Heckman | Published: June 9, 2013 | Leave a comment

Staying cool in the summer (photo: Rhinehart Photography)

Summer’s here and it’s a beautiful time for weddings. It is a good idea to be prepared for all the season brings, and to let your guests know what to expect as well.

I’ll only just mention the importance of having a good rain plan, as I have written about this so much, I’m tired of hearing myself!

But how about have a sun plan? Prepare for heat and direct sun that might beat down upon your guests during your ceremony or party. Have water and non-alcoholic drinks readily available. Find or create shady areas. You can use market umbrellas or hang fabric in some way to create a sun screen. It is definitely worth investing in parasols to have at the ready!

Stock your restrooms with mini deodorants, sunscreen, blotters, bug spray and baby wipes.

Let folks know its ok to kick off their shoes! Maybe even have a basket of flip-flops for people to take.

Set your ceremony time a little later in the day to take advantage of the cooler temperatures, but beware of bugs at dusk. Have lots of citronella candles or torches and bug spray (the natural kind, I hope!)

Please support the groom and groomsmen in the choice to go without jackets! Suits and tuxes can be unbearably hot in the summer. I have seen more than one groomsman faint during a ceremony in the sun. A great vest or suspenders and tie can create a very cool look.

Take advantage of seasonal flowers and foods! And if it’s a DIY backyard wedding be careful about food temperatures to avoid any spoilage.

Create an outdoor lounge by bringing indoor furniture outside for folks to relax and lounge in shady spots.

By following a few simple tips I hope you have a relaxed and comfortable summer wedding experience!

 

Enjoy all that summer offers for a summer wedding!

As usual – thank you Lisa Rhinehart for the wonderful photographs

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A welcome idea

By Lois Heckman | Published: June 2, 2013 | Leave a comment

Are you planning a spa visit before the wedding?

I love the idea of a welcome or hospitality basket which as especially great for out-of-town guests. This is becoming popular and I find it thoughtful and, well, welcoming!

Imagine arriving for a wedding weekend, checking into your hotel room, and finding a basket or more likely, a nice bag of some kind. It is filled with little useful items and tips for your stay. What should be in such a welcome bag?

Number one: include directions to the wedding, a map, and itinerary. If there’s a spa or golf event planned you certainly have to include those details. All the events of the weekend as well as suggestions for free time can be listed in many ways. A booklet or simply a piece of paper; be as creative or simple as you wish.

If there is golf involved – some tees or golf balls could go in the bag, if there is a spa involved, flip-flops for those pedicures are perfect.

Books or magazines are useful. Publications about the local area, local history, or guidebooks are perfect. In our area we have Local Flair, This Week in the Poconos, and this very newspaper, of course, which puts out seasonal guides. Puzzle books or humorous books are great to have during inevitable down time.

Throw in a few snacks, again especially if they have a local twist. In our community we have candy and pretzel makers. If its summer, it makes sense to include sunscreen. And any local souvenir makes a great keepsake, such as a baseball cap or t-shirt. For adult couples a scented candle for the room, or even a bottle of wine, sets a romantic tone.

I don’t recommend giving anything with your initials, name or the date of your wedding. Honestly, this isn’t something people probably will want to use again. I know when you are caught up in the details of your big day its easy to forget that. Rather than a cap that says ‘The Smith Wedding,’ try ‘The Lost Weekend in the Poconos,’ or a nice design of some kind.

If welcome bags aren’t in the works, what about morning-after gift bags? These need not be limited to out-of-towners – it works for everyone. You could put together aspirin or other painkiller, a power bar or muffin, sunglasses or eye-mask, water bottle, and a coffee gift certificate. Instead of the itinerary include a list of local coffee shops and breakfast places.

The little personal touches help make your wedding a memorable and fun experience for your guests.

Thank you Lisa Rhinehart for the wonderful photograph

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An appropriate puzzle book for your welcome bag.

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Effective Use of Readings

By Lois Heckman | Published: May 26, 2013 | Leave a comment

Many people choose to have readings incorporated into their wedding ceremony. It is a time-tested custom and popular both in church and other venues. When someone is asked to read it is, indeed, an honor. But besides prescribed biblical passages, how to you pick other types of readings, and how to you pick who should read? Furthermore, should you even do this?

The simplest answer to who should read is – the person who’s best at it. Trust your instinct. The anxiety of performing, which is what it is, can be real and worrisome for the reader. It can be a burden on some people, so choose your reader carefully.

Photo by Lisa Rhinehart Photography

More often than not, I hear readers who mangle the text, mumble and don’t project, or worse yet, just don’t seem to understand what they’re reading. This certainly doesn’t enhance your wedding ceremony. Conversely when there is someone or several people who are great in front of a crowd – viola, your readers! A good performer, someone with an out-going personality or passion to do this, is your best choice.  Try to discourage improvising. A ceremony reading isn’t a toast. If you can’t think of someone to read at your wedding you should probably skip it.

What should be read?  Almost anything that expresses your values, style, interests, and feelings. Poetry, prose, song lyrics, bible verses, cultural or ethnic background – all might be a source of inspiration. There are countless readings and the Internet will point you to lots of them. Spiritual, religious or secular, your choices help shape the tone and meaning of your ceremony. For interfaith or multicultural weddings it is great to have a reading from each tradition to offer balance and respect. Remember, the purpose of having a reading is to impart wisdom or insight into the importance of the day.

Can you have too many readings and readers? Yes. If that’s your situation, try combining readers with two or more people sharing the piece. You can break up stanzas, or sections of the selection. This can be extremely effective.

Should you let your reader choose his or her own reading? Not exactly. It would be better to discuss it and have some ideas of your own first. You know what tone you want to set for your wedding. Giving the readers a choice from a few selections or point them in the right direction. It is not only better for you, but for the reader as well. Don’t leave them out there on the their own.

If you’ve been asked to read here’s the most important thing to do: practice, practice, practice! I don’t mean read it to yourself – I mean read it out loud. Several times. Print a copy with a large enough font and then underline or mark up your copy in whatever way helps you do the best presentation you can.

Readers can add so much to your ceremony, but only when done right!

Thank you Lisa Rhinehart for the wonderful photograph

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A Celtic Wedding

By Lois Heckman | Published: May 19, 2013 | 1 Comment

I love it when the piper leads you into the ceremony.

There are countless cultural traditions that can be a source of inspiration for a wedding, but one of my very favorites is the Celtic, or Irish heritage. I’m not sure why, but there seem to be more rituals, customs and literary sources to draw from than just about any other group. There is a very strong identity for Irish people, so much so that even those with just a touch of Irish in their families want to tip their hat to this part of their background.

Let’s distinguish between Celtic and Irish, because Celtic encompasses more than just Ireland; it refers to territories in Brittany (the coast of Northern France), Scotland, Wales, Cornwall, Isle of Man, and Ireland. If you go back far enough – Celtic tribes once inhabited land all the way to what is now Germany, Austria, France and Spain, before the Romans. These areas shared cultural traits such as art, history, music, dance, language and literature. Once powerful, most of the Celts were eventually conquered, and left with only Ireland, Scotland and Wales.  They have kept some of their customs alive even while Ireland was under British rule.

What elements could you use to create a Celtic wedding? Many rituals are pagan, meaning coming from the time before the Christian era. If you are a Christian, you may still want use these symbols and rituals in honor of the past. If you are having a religious ceremony, however, you need to discuss this with your clergyperson. Most couples use these earth or nature centered rituals to show their love of nature. However if you are uncomfortable with the pagan aspect, there are other choices, notably music and literature.

Bagpipes – I truly do love them. I especially love it when a piper leads the wedding party down the aisle – procession or recessional! Of course there is plenty of classic Irish music that can be incorporated into your wedding, and anything from the Irish Harp, to fiddles, tin whistles, accordions, and a range of styles from folk to rock, playing jigs, reels, waltzes and polkas. Irish music continues to be popular, with bands like the Cheiftains. Any of this can add some Irish soul to your big day.

Rituals for your ceremony add the Celtic touch. One of the most popular is ‘tying the knot,’ or ‘handfasting’ which is thought to be one of the oldest symbols of marriage. There are different versions of this ritual and different explanations but the basic idea is the wrapping of cords or cloth around the couples’ wrists to bind them together. Historically this may have been for a trial marriage, much like an engagement would be today, but in more modern times it is most commonly used as a symbol of the marriage itself.

The Anam Cara is the ritual language that speaks to the joining of two souls while calling upon the ancient spiritual connection to the elements – fire, water, wind and earth.

The Irish Bell is a great story, sometimes known as the ‘Truce Bell,’ or ‘Saint Patrick’s Bell of Will.’  In this custom a couple is given a bell as a wedding gift, to be used to call a halt to arguing in the marriage. The sound of the bell ringing is to remind them of the gleam in their eye on their wedding day. Your officiant can ring the bell for your first kiss as a married couple at the conclusion of the ceremony! Tiny bells can be given to the guests as well – to help you ring in your new beginning. Similarly there is the Irish Loving Cup, to share the cup of life, and keep the cup for later use.

There is, of course, great literature associated with Irish culture, especially the many versions of the Irish and Scottish Wedding Blessings. There are also special wedding rings, that include Celtic symbols such as squares, spirals and circles, and knots; they all have specific meanings.

Kilts! I adore them! Scottish weddings use the family tartan, as the kilt, or as a sash. The groom can pin or place a sash from his family tartan to his bride as a symbol she’s joining his clan. Authentically every clan has it’s own unique plaid, but go ahead even if you don’t have your own tartan.

These are just a few of the many wonderful Celtic traditions, and there are many more, and that is probably why I love them. With so many to choose from it’s easy to find something that matches every Celtic couple’s personalities.

The tartan as a sash - very cool!

Photos provided by Lois Heckman

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Behind the Veil: Pre-Wedding Jitters

By Lois Heckman | Published: May 12, 2013 | Leave a comment

Photo credit: Susie Forrester

Emotions are something we often try to control and tears feel like they can get in the way. But it is perfectly normal to be nervous and tearful before your wedding. In fact, I would be worried about you if you were not somewhat nervous.

Before the big day, and just before that big moment when you walk down the aisle, give yourself permission to feel many things. There are often unrealistic expectations about the dream wedding, and what it will feel like. You think it will be the happiest day of your life, but it’s possible that it may turn out to be the most tiring day of your life. It is not unusual to have doubts, sadness, fear, and many mixed emotions, and there is also that adrenalin rush! While it is the beginning of a new era in your life, it is also the end of one. This is simply true and therefore ok to think about.

You are nervous because it is important. So while you may wish to work out all the little wedding details, the physical aspects of your celebration, do not ignore the psychological aspects and all of your feelings. Many people are just shy being the center of attention and speaking or performing in front of people. You really are in the spotlight on your wedding day!

When caught up in little worries about the day, try re-focusing your thoughts on your partner and the future you envision together. If you’re planning a honeymoon, send your mind to that sunny beach or wherever you’re heading!

Take a nice long walk on the morning of your wedding, and don’t forget to eat breakfast. Stay hydrated, too! When you are at your venue preparing, play soothing music, or have scented candles or other relaxing elements around you. That trendy British expression comes to mind: Keep Calm and Carry On!

However if you have made some discovery about your future spouse, such as drug or alcohol abuse or signs of controlling or other abusive behavior, these are serious and you should consider calling off the wedding. Nerves are one thing, but dread is another.

A wedding celebration is more than food, dancing, flowers and a big party. It is an important milestone in your life, so give it the emotional space it needs and deserves.

Thank you Susie Forrester for the lovely photograph!

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The Well Planned Wedding

By Lois Heckman | Published: May 5, 2013 | Leave a comment

These tall centerpieces work beautifully! (photo: Lisa Rhinehart Photography)

If you are getting married you are no doubt excited about taking one of the most important steps in life’s journey. But how do you handle all the ideas and pressures coming at you? You can have your wedding on your own terms, if you approach it thoughtfully. The very first step is to do nothing. Take the time to stop and consider what the two of you really want in your wedding celebration. Do not take a step without some thoughtful consideration. I’m calling this first step: breathe!

Hold onto being engaged for a while without making plans. Unless you have a compelling reason, such as health care, family issues or military deployment, if there is no urgency, take your time in setting a date and booking vendors. If you get ahead of yourselves you may wind up getting behind.

However once you set a date, find and hire your vendors as soon as possible, or you may wind up without the best choices.

I get calls all the time from disappointed couples who want me to officiate only to learn I’m already booked! Ask any good photographer, florist, musician, DJ or officiant like myself. We do book up well in advance.

I recently had a couple reschedule their wedding, moving it a full year later than originally planned because a financial bump in the road. This is a cautionary tale. If you are only one bump away from wedding meltdown, you probably are planning a wedding too big or too soon.

Here are some more ideas to keep in mind when attempting to be sensible about your wedding.

There are no “musts” – other than the legal requirements, that is. Nor are there “shoulds.” You must do this or you should do that are not how happy weddings are created.

Your wedding day is your dream and it’s all about you. NOT. Your wedding day involves everyone who loves you. Don’t be selfish.

Favors are not required, but thank you’s are.

Spend your money on the things that matter most and let go of the rest.

When your head is about to explode from all the wedding details – take a break. Swear off wedding planning for a few days and remember why you are getting married in the first place.

I hope you can keep your sanity when planning your wedding. It doesn’t have to be crazy. You can have a sane and sensible wedding.

Thank you Lisa Rhinehart for the wonderful photograph

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Redefining roles and rules

By Lois Heckman | Published: April 28, 2013 | Leave a comment

 

Your attendants can be whoever you want them to be. (Photo Credit: Lisa Rhinehart)

Couples sometimes wonder if the have to do ‘this or that’ for their wedding. I always assure them that for the ceremony there are only three things I consider necessary: that they exchange vows in some way, that I ‘pronounce them’ as married, and that the license is properly signed and sent. Other than that – while there are many traditions and customs – its’ really all up for grabs.

Today many couples are redefining their wedding rituals, especially when it comes to gender roles.

One of the biggest changes I’ve seen is the flexibility of the bridal party or attendants. It is no longer necessary for the bride to have bridesmaids and the groom to have groomsmen.  And for same-sex couples these ‘rules’ go out the window as well. The people who stand up with you for your ceremony should be those who mean the most to you. They are literally standing by you as well as symbolically. I’m hearing terms like ‘best woman’ and ‘best person,’ instead of Maid or Matron of Honor, or Best Man.

The walk down the aisle has new variations. Many women have both their parents escort them and ‘present’ them, not ‘give them away.’ Interestingly this has always been the Jewish custom. Some woman chose to walk alone. More adventurous couples I’ve worked with entered together, and if there are children involved, walking with them is very meaningful.

Some other customs being rethought are: the groom can’t see the bride before the ceremony; the rehearsal dinner; bride’s side/groom’s side seating. And do you have to leave from the wedding directly to go on your honeymoon? I don’t think so.

Many heterosexual couples are learning from same-sex couples how to use more inclusive or gender-neutral language, for their invitations, and especially their ceremony.

Women who don’t like a girly-girl look or care to wear a frilly gown often agonize over the limited choices of bridal looks. Don’t despair. Being comfortable and being yourself is what matters most.  You dress does not define you. And don’t get an ‘up-do’ if it’s not you! Who made the rule that you have to go to the hair salon because you’re getting married? If you love your hair the way you wear it everyday, then wear it that way!

They say that rules are made to be broken, so if you are going to break some of the traditional rules, do it for a good reason, and you’ll be glad you did.

Thank you Lisa Rhinehart for the wonderful photograph

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Rituals are the language of ceremony

By Lois Heckman | Published: April 21, 2013 | Leave a comment

There are many kinds of rituals. (Photo: Garth Woods Photography)

Using meaningful, spiritual, or even fun or unusual rituals in your wedding is one good way to express what your commitment means to you. Religious ceremonies are full of rituals, which are specific to their faith traditions. The Stations of the Cross, Confession, Communion, Shabbat candles, as well as prayers or songs are all good examples.

There are secular rituals as well, such as raising the flag, pledging allegiance and even Thanksgiving. And almost every wedding has the rituals of exchanging rings and vows.

Then there are many specific cultural rituals, such as the Japanese tea ceremony, the eastern European bread and salt, the jumping the broom from African-American tradition and breaking the glass in the Jewish wedding.

I want to suggest a few ideas you may want to incorporate no matter what your faith or ethnic background, because, if chosen thoughtfully, rituals add beauty and character to any ceremony.

The Wishing Stone is a wonderfully inclusive ritual that is simple but lovely. Just have guests hold small smooth stones throughout the ceremony. They can write a wish, blessing or message on the stone itself, and then collect and keep them in a jar.

For the more adventurous this is taken directly from the Hindu tradition: The Seven Steps. Remember as modern people we may borrow from cultures everywhere and if this appeals to you perhaps you do this, even if you are not Hindu. The Seven Steps involves walking around a fire or in a circle while the officiant offers the following blessings of vows. These are loosely adapted from the Hindu Ceremony:

1. May this couple be blessed with an abundance of resources and comforts, and be helpful to one another in all ways.

2. May this couple be strong and complement one another.

3. May this couple be blessed with prosperity and riches on all levels.

4. May this couple be eternally happy.

5. May this couple be blessed with a happy family life.

6. May this couple live in perfect harmony… true to their personal values and their joint promises.

7. May this couple always be the best of friends.

If you able to walk around the fire, you will toss small bits of puffed rice into the fire to indicate you agree. You can vary a tradition in many ways. Perhaps just walk around a candle. Traditionally the bride’s sari is tied to the groom’s clothing, but you can simply hold hands!

And my final idea for today’s post is the Arras, or the tradition of the Thirteen Coins which comes from the Hispanic community. There are many variations on this but I have created a modern interpretation where the couple presents to one other the 13 coins. They are a symbol of care and your commitment to support one another. I’m sure you can understand that in earlier times the man gave the woman the coins to show he’d provide for her, but in our modern world we can pledge to care for one another. After all, its many a wife that support the family or puts her husband through school, and visa versa (of course!) Different explanations of the number 13 include that it represents Christ and his 12 apostles, or that thirteen represent the 12 lunar cycles of a year, and the thirteenth coin symbolizes the couple’s honeymoon. You can create many variations on this ceremony.

Let your creativity flow and borrow or invent traditions that work for you!

Thank you Garth Woods for the photo!

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Three big tips for your outdoor wedding

By Lois Heckman | Published: April 14, 2013 | Leave a comment

Warm weather has finally arrived in the Poconos and we can’t help turning our thoughts to outdoor weddings!  There is a reason outdoor ceremonies and celebrations are so popular. It is romantic as well as meaningful. Standing under the blue sky, with nature all around, is a dream come true. Whether the setting is fields or mountains, by a lake or stream, in a garden or woods, nothing speaks to our senses like nature. As a photographic backdrop – nothing beats nature either.

Whether you are having just the reception or both the ceremony and reception outdoors there are three very important things to keep in mind.

Photo Credit: Lisa Rhinehart

First and foremost, the obvious: beware of weather! Have a good backup plan. No, make that a great back-up plan. Whether a tent or indoor space, nothing is more important.

And number two: beware of weather! Not just rain, but wind might cause havoc for you and your decorations. Be sure they are heavy enough, or tied down!

Number three: beware of weather! Ok, you get it.

Please consider your guests – their comfort is important. Will it be too hot sitting in the sun? Is it too far for some to walk?

Outdoor weddings can be especially great for children and pets – as both have an opportunity to run around! Just make sure you provide water for them.

If it’s a DIY project – remember to consider what is behind you when setting up.  Try to see it from the photographer’s point of view – what is the focal point? Which way is the sun and will it be in your eyes?

Remember that in the warm weather flowers wilt, and drinks get warm, so plan accordingly.

Electricity. Is there a way to run extension cords and have enough power for musicians, caterers, lighting or other needs? Don’t run all of it off of one circuit.  If a generator is being used, where will it be set, because it will be noisy! And don’t forget about rest rooms.

If you have a large space – use it. Spread out and use a large area by setting up tables in one area, dancing, outdoor games, music, and ceremony all with lots of space between them! Enjoy the outdoors and make the most of it if you are planning an outdoor celebration!

 Thanks as always to Lisa Rhinehart  for the gorgeous photo!

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